deMonSPaWN Posted:

SuperMonkeyMan Posted:

If I was your English teacher, I’d give you a C.

If you were his English teacher that would be the least of his worries.

BoP I would like the ending to be slightly less preachy. The message is already clear—presented less forcefully it wins more style points.

Furthermore, from skimming over your first drafts, I got the feeling that this story was far from being complete. I mean, those two parts you posted would have made a serviceable introduction to a longer story (perhaps a novel) had you tweaked things a bit, but you need to add more to this story. Still, it’s not as bad as SuperMonkeyMan puts it, hehe. Log in to see images! xXxJUNEGUY1xXx edited this message on 11/06/2008 2:10AM