A man is lost in the desert and he stumbles across an old brbum lamp, but it doesn’t have any water in it and he dies a day later.

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?

Nevermind, it’s pointless.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head “Yes” and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, “No” and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ’’The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.’”

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the

White House. “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the

country?” Clinton asked.

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George.

The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark

bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

Clinton asked.

“Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.

Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure

moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the

best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked.

Abe replied, “Go to the theater.”

1338h4x Posted:

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Micheal Jackson molests little boys.

A guy decides he wants to learn how to hunt. Needing a good hunting dog, he visits a farmer who has been advertising hounds in the newspaper. The farmer shows him several dogs, but the guy doesn’t like them. Then he spots one hound that the farmer hasn’t shown him. The guys asks, “What about that one?” “Oh, no,” the farmer replies. “That one’s my special dog.” “What’s so special about him?” “Let me show you.”

The farmer leads the guy and the dog to a field, lifts up one of the dog’s ears, and orders, “Go find the birds!” The dog charges to a nearby bush, points and barks once. “That means there’s one bird in that bush,” says the farmer. “No way!” exclaims the guy. The farmer takes a stick and pokes the bush, and a huge pheasant flies out.

To further convince the guy, the farmer again lifts the dog’s ear and repeats, “Go find the birds!” This time the dog streaks off to another bush, points, and barks twice. “That means there’s two birds in there,” says the farmer,

taking his stick and poking at the bush. Two huge pheasants pop out and fly away.

“I’ve gotta have that dog!” says the man. “Well, okay,” replies the farmer. “But it’s gonna cost you a bundle.” The guy forks over the bucks and takes the dog.

A month later, the farmer has to go to the city, and decides to visit the guy who bough his prize hound. When he asked the guy about the dog, the man replies, “A couple of buddies and I went hunting, and when we got to a field the damnedest thing happened. I went up to the dog, lifted one of his ears, and said ‘Go find the birds.’ The dog

took off like a bat outta hell and ran into the field, barking and running around like crazy. Then he jumped on my leg and started humping it like I was a **** in heat. After that, he grabbed a stick and started shaking it violently at me! I thought he’d gone nuts for sure, or maybe had rabies or something. So I shot the ****er.”

“You blithering idiot!” yelled the farmer. “He was just telling you that there’s more ****in’ birds out there than you could shake a stick at!”

Irish Joke.

Two Irish menwalk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat’s dem!” The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage dere,” says Gerry, “Put dem in a peeper bag.”

The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. “Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.

“Oh, yeh, dis looks good,” replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.

“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ‘SPLAT’. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “dis budgie jumpin’ is too dangerous for me!”

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop. He walks up, carrying the familiar peeper bag. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

“Hi, Paddy. Watch this,” Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, “An’ oim never troyin’ dat parrotshooting nider!”

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head. “First der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you, hen gliding!”

Andy wanted to buy a birthday present for his new girlfriend. As they hadn’t been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriend’s sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop bumistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Andy got the knickers. Without checking Andy sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because i’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with bumons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

Andy.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

Today’s headline:

New study of obesity looks for larger test group