Specialist Andrew Brigg of the U.S. Army’s 415th Chemical Brigade was a man of honor. His unit was responsible for responding to CBRN threats (Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear) in the U.S. Eastern seaboard theater of operations. His commanding officer, Colonel Lucas N. Polakowski, had bumigned him his most challenging task to date: close area surveillance of a potentially lethal radiological/biological aberration. However, this was a very unique situation. Because the threat… was actually a 19 year old girl.

The daughter of the German ambbumador, Klaus Scharioth had been exposed to contaminated chocolate over the course of many, many years. Apparently, the testing facility that the Nazis had been using to develop their atomic missile program had been converted years later into a chocolate factory, known as Vonga Schokolade. Owned by Wilhelm Vonga, it had operated continuously for many, many years. However, unbeknownst to Wilhelm, one of the factory lines, the one used to make the premier version of their truffles, had been exposed to irradiated groundwater. Thinking the water was pure spring water, it had been used as the primary base for the premium truffles. And since Ambbumador Scharioth’s wife and daughter were their main customers for this particular product, they had been exposed to a significant amount of this contaminated water. This was the reason for the daughter’s physical deformities.

Hilda Scharioth started out as a normal little girl, but as she grew up, it was obvious she was different. As you can see from this current photo, the deformities only became more and more gruesome as time went on. But the truth was far more disturbing than simply physical mutation. German doctors had learned that she was, in essence, a living nuclear warhead. Under the right cirgreat timesstances, her entire corpulent mbum would burst open, initiating a chain reaction that would result in the release of not only high-yield radiation and alpha particles, but would also emit a noxious biological pathogen than would cause previously unknown diseases and ailments. In order to protect their own homeland, her father was appointed as Ambbumador to the United States, and the entire family traveled to Washington, D.C., where they currently reside. And due to diplomatic immunity, it would be nigh impossible to deport the family for any reason at all.

Luckily for us, our global network of undercover operatives was able to discover this threat, and take appropriate action. They learned that the key element in maintaining the integrity of the ‘living bomb’ was to keep it happy. And so, the Ambbumador’s family was kept as happy as possible, and the little girl’s every desire was fulfilled. Of course, being German, that meant she was a glutton for sweet treats, and so her corpulent mbum grew even larger. And as she matured, she began to have… longings for something more. Simple cakes and cookies would no longer suffice. She began to have sexual desires.

And so, the U.S. Army frantically moved to find a viable solution. They could not allow just any random male to become Ms. Scharioth’s paramour. They had to ensure that they would maintain control over the situation. This is where Specialist Brigg came into the picture. As a highly trained Army soldier, specializing in CBRN countermeasures, he was the best candidate for this ‘close range surveillance’.

It was arranged that Specialist Brigg would attend a diplomatic function where all of the foreign ambbumadors would mingle with their U.S. counterparts. And the seating arrangement was predetermined to have Specialist Brigg seated next to Ms. Scharioth. And like a good patriot, Specialist Brigg mustered all of his courage and willpower, and asked her to dance with him.

It was a whirlwind romance. Hilda had never before be the focus of anyone’s romantic attentions. She was giddy with excitement, and when Andrew proposed to her three months later, she happily accepted. And so, we fast forward to today, their wedding day. Andrew’s new bumignment will last for the rest of his life. He is in the ultimate deep cover mission, devoting his every waking moment to ensuring that the German Behemoth (as the undercover operative have codenamed her) remains as happy and content as possible. For if he fails, America, then the tears will fall, and the Behemoth will eventually burst, releasing the most deadly radioactive toxins the world has ever known.

Specialist Andrew Brigg is a True American Hero. He has already been awarded the Medal of Honor for his sacrifice. Because he’s throwing himself on the biggest grenade this world has ever seen.

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We salute you and your Ultimate Sacrifice, Specialist Andrew Brigg!