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<Mercwithmouth> THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO

<Mercwithmouth> before the dawn of man as we knew him,

<Mercwithmouth> there was Sir Santa of Claus

<Mercwithmouth> an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste

<Mercwithmouth> hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year

<Mercwithmouth> These so-called “toys” were buried as witches

<Mercwithmouth> and defecated upon

<Mercwithmouth> and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children

<Mercwithmouth> It wasn’t a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed.

<_2Dum2Kno> Well, that still doesn’t tell me why you…

<Mercwithmouth> I’m not finished

<Mercwithmouth> YOU should have gotten a snack

<Mercwithmouth> A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet…

<Mercwithmouth> landed on the ice-encased Earth

<Mercwithmouth> and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology

<Mercwithmouth> Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like “train,”

<Mercwithmouth> but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid

<Mercwithmouth> Christmas still sucked, in a big way.

<Kumdumpstaz> Boy, this IS a long story. Maybe I WILL get something to eat.

<LHO_> Yeah, I think I’m gonna get drunk while I listen.