Child

My uncle Donald says that we can go the happy room when he’s watching me during my parents’ vacation. I’m so happy about the happy room. I love the happy room. I wonder what he has in the happy room? I hope it’s a fun place to go. Do you think the happy room will have teddy bears and rainbows in it? Uncle Donald says it will be full of magic and that he’ll help fill me up with magic when we go there.

Creepy man

I like the way you smell, sometimes. When you sweat, you get this sheen on your hair and I kinda want to touch it. Can I touch it? Oh god, I’m sorry, I mean I just want to think about what you’re like when you work out, I think it’s really sexy when you work out. You get into those light blue shorts and that purple sports bra.

Old Man

Kids don’t appreciate okra. When I was young, we ate okra and liked it. Okra grows everywhere, and these lousy kids don’t appreciate it. Too slimy, they say. Well it’s not too slimy. And that’s all there is to it.

Young Woman

God, Tiffany is such a ****. What-ever. See if I ever talk to her again. Let’s like, tape her to the flagpole and teach her a lesson. Then I’ll spread a rumor that she’s got herpes and she gave it to derek. Who cares if it’s true? Everyone’s gonna believe it because I said it anyway. So then, like, I went to the mall and hot topic was out of black eyeshadow AGAIN! Dammit! I had to do my eyeliner with a ballpoint pen! It took HOURS and my eyes are starting to itch!

Insane Man

Did you ever get an itch behind your eyeball that you had to dig out with a spoon? I have, man. That’s the kind of ingenuity that keeps America running strong. No rest for the inventor, no sir. you just keep moving and keep pushing through even though they tell you you should stop and that you’re a danger to others WELL **** THEM AND **** YOU TOO MOTHER****

Cajun Man

We know how to treat a guest! Cuz, why don’t you break out the crawdad cooker, I’ll pull some legs off o’ them frogs all over the bayou, we’ll fry up some snails n’ red beans, be delicious I guarantee! Why, I’ll take you fishin’ in the gulf o’ mexico! Jump over the side, swim on down to the bottom of the bayou, catch yourself a alligator, clean ‘im, we’ll have supper fryin’ before you know it! All with that authentic blend of spices. Sea salt, ground varmint, deadly nightshade powder, peach pits, and some o’ that tar from the roadside. Stole it from a construction crew.

Salesman

Good evening! Have you ever wanted a way to read and drive at the same time? Well now you can! Just order the DriveReader Four thousand by dialing the number at the bottom of your screen! Yes, the Drivereader four thousand is fully customizable,and is completely opaque so that when it’s in front of your face as you’re driving down the highway, you can make out every word. War and peace? More like Snore and peace! But not with the Drivereader Four Thousand! Hurry, operators are standing by!

Burnt-out Rock Star

Hey, is this thing on? That’s ****in incredible. I… uh. I forgot what I was gonna ask about. Uh. So. Why did you call me? What do you mean I called you? You called me. Oh right, this was about my appearance at the mall opening oh. Can you get me some yellow margarine for it? I want to rub it on my leather jacket. I do that every tuesday. I wish you wouldn’t ask why, it’s really my business.

Snobbish Character

Did I ever tell you about the time I happened to come across my old acquaintance Reginald Bullworthington? I have? Well every good story needs a retelling…or several! So I was attending a makeshift debutante ball, or as she called it, a Sweet Sixteen, of my niece on my darling wifes less than affluent side, though i harumph at the notion of such a celebration of such an occasion without much cause for “partying”, as you commonfolk put it. Why, by the time I was sixteen I had already made my first million! But I do digress, my apologies…

Old Lady

Hey, little nephew! This internet thing sure is fun! I just spent the last three hours looking at cats! Everyone’s cats are so cute! Oh! Oh my! I just clicked a link to wet woman's genitals and it wasn’t at all what I expected. Oh my. Oh my. She looks like she won’t really have a problem having a child like your uncle Charley, he only weighed a pound when he came out. We had him on life support for three months!

TIPS AND HINTS

I will have A LOT of mail to go through. Follow the format as described above. Don’t think that adding another five minutes to your two minute improv will make me like it more. It will just make me turn it off sooner. Again, I’d like to emphasize that this is about acting and your voice, so please select characters you know you would sound good for before you pick characters you would enjoy reading. Be thoughtful and put care into your entry. Above all, I will have a lot to sort through, so try not to take it too hard if you’re not selected.