Dear Evil Trout,

I-I…*sob* remember *choke* five days ago when you took me up to…to *boohoohoo* M-m-m-miller’s Bridge and you told me you…YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME TROUTY!*whimper* And I let you get elbow deep in my bumhole *cry* for love! FOR LOVE. And then you gave me that haxploitation peen and *aboobooboo* I haven’t heard from you since.

Then this morning, I woke up *sob* and the peen was gone! Now, I know it’s a meaningless internet achievement that I DIDN’T EVEN EARN, Trouty. I only got it because someone close to me felt like sharing it, because he wanted some anal fisting in return. B-b-b-but *sob* my parents raised me to be a self-entitled male reproductive organ which is why I **** about stuff like this and why everyone hates me!

With huggles

Phugit The Unknown Comic

Borrowed your e-mail, man, hope you don’t mind.