A guy calls the hospital. He says, “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!”

The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”

He says, “No! This is her husband!”

You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it. A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”

She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ‘em.”

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing?

He says, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.”

The second guy says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear… I only have to outrun you.”

Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Planel anding and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, “Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on.”

The co-pilot says, “Yeah, and so wide.”

A guy walks into Dunkin’ Donuts. He says, “Excuse me, miss. How many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?”

She says, “I think it’s a seven-cup thermos.”

He says, “All right…give me two black, three cream and sugar.”