I really should be writing my history paper, but instead I whipped this up for BP. It’s not really in the form of “something that happened to someone”... but if you like political satire… =)

June 1st, 2009

Dear North Korea… oh, sorry, I mean “Democratic People’s Republic of Korea”

Look. We’ve spent a lot of time talking behind closed doors, spying on China, witholding information from our citizens, and all that bull****. Now, I think it’s time we just come out and say it: you guys are ****ing up bigtime.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re ****ing up even more than the Soviet Union because you aren’t actually accomplishing anything. Back in the good old days, Truman would wet his panties every time Stalin twitched. But with you guys, Kim Jong-Il can make as many bomb threats until he’s anemic, and South Korea is just like “Uh-huh, yeah, shut the **** up because we’re sick of your whining, you twats.” Not to mention the Soviet Union actually kicked our bumes with Sputnik and you guys can’t even fire a missile successfully. Unlike Stalin, you don’t have any Jews or ethnic minorities to prosecute, so instead you just starve everyone in your damn country. (OK, props for equality, I guess. We are big fans of that over here.)

I know that every country goes through an evil dictator stage where they just want to make tons of big, long nuclear warheads and go waving them around in other people’s faces. Please, get over your male reproductive organ fixation. We find it sickening. (Well, specifically, I find it sickening, and I think Obama finds it arousing.) I admit that the United States pioneered the art of nuclear douchebaggery, and some find our condemnation of nuclear weapons hypocritical. But wouldn’t we know best? Doesn’t America always know what’s best for the rest of the world? (Contradict me and you die, insolent flea.)

Oh, about that: you guys seem pretty convinced that America is out to get your bumes. I know that we have a long tradition of screwing over every other struggling third-world country that even mentions the possibility of Communism or nuclear bombs, but hey, you should just ignore all that! The Cold War is totally over! America loves peace and freedom again! Right? Right. So, don’t panic when we send troops into your country to dismantle all of your nuclear bombs. We are totally just trying to make the world a better place. Even if we are packing more warheads than you’ll ever be able to manufacture. They’re just “deterrents”.

Sincerely,

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Secretary of State