“Spider pig Spider pig does whatever a spider pig does, can he swing from a web no he can’t he’s a pig”

“You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dudette. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me. Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon… with nail polish.” <- Might be too long but still funny

“Where’s the money? Where’s the ****in money, ****head!”

“Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.”

“Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.”

“What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.”

“One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a re-re.”

“It’s not nice to make fun of fat people—but what the hell, they can’t catch me.”

“Never put a razor up your nose—even as a joke.”

“Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.”

“If it’s on fire, don’t lay down on it.”

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”

and my personal favorite

“The shortest distance between two points is under construction.”

Will edit later to add more Log in to see images!