OrsonScottCard Posted:

Dr. Fingerz, sometimes when I wake up in the morning there’s a white spot on my sheets. Could I have cancer?

SHEETSOTHELIOMA IS A VERY SERIOUS CANCER CAUSED BY MASTURBATING TOO OFTEN TO IMAGES SEEN ON THE INTERNET. AT THIS TIME THERE IS NO KNOWN CURE, THOUGH TREATMENT WHICH INCLUDES DISCONNECTION OF INTERNET SERVICE IS PRODUCING FAVORABLE RESULTS IN TEST GROUPS. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TRY TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE MORE AND STAY AWAY FROM THE INTERNET- I RECOMMEND FOR THE NEXT 3 WEEKS AT LEAST. HOPEFULLY IN THAT TIME YOU CAN MEET A WOMAN- MIRACULOUSLY, ALL SUFFERERS OF SHEETSOTHELIOMA WHO FIND GIRLFRIENDS SPONTANEOUSLY RECOVER FROM THIS DEBILITATING, HORRIBLE DISEASE.