Well today it’s officially 2009 and that means it’s time to retire a bunch of jokes from my act. Eventually a joke just isn’t topical anymore and you’ve got to let it go. So here we are, the last time these jokes will ever appear in my act:

Have you guys seen that new show ALF? What a weird looking thing ALF is. I will say it is a very bold choice to finally have a Puerto Rican as the title character on a sitcom!

So airline food is pretty bad, huh? Man that must’ve sucked for everyone on TWA 800. OH MAN THIS SALMON TASTES LIKE COD OH **** WE’RE DYING!

So, Led Zeppelin played around here recently. Look, if I wanted to hear someone shouting about hobbits and witches then I’d enjoy my nerdy newphew. He doesn’t mind, hes just happy to be having sex!

Have you guys heard about this crack stuff? Finally, a way to bond with my son!

President Carter isn’t doing much to help this hostage crisis. REALLY? YOU CAN’T SOLVE THIS PROBLEM BY GROWING PEANUTS YOU INBRED ****? But don’t blame me, I voted for Billy Carter!

How about this Great Depression? I don’t see what’s so great about it…oh wait! The guy I owed money to just jumped out a ****ing window! NOW I GET IT!

The War of Northern Aggression? MORE LIKE A CHINESE BUFFET! HEY MEDIC I’M HIT BRING OVER THAT MORPHINE! Thank you Abraham Lincoln for getting me high!