i will write you a collection of sonnets which will not only be published, but will top Oprah’s bookclub for nearly 7 months. it will be titled “wielder of the colossus” and feature a photo of you with john holmes male reproductive organ shopped onto your crotch.

i will masturbate to the thought of your kneecap everyday.

i will become the first man to woman sexchange operation recipient capable of childbirth and will bare you 7 beautiful children, each named after a main character from the original power rangers tv series.

i will make the voices stop.

i will help you save christmas whilst zany hijinks ensue.

i will kill everyone you hate, learn the black arts, resurrect them, then allow you the satisfaction of killing them yourself.

i’ll make you feel young again.

i won’t ever fill your harddrive with kiddy porn and contact the fbi

i won’t tell them about what you’ve already got either.

i’ll show you the joy that only a mother may know.

i’ll stop hitting on your sister.

oh, and i’ll give you links to watch bootleg movies — http://www.megavideo.com/?v=WHBXBZYD