I travel with work sometimes.

I live and work in London, but I’ve had meetings in the North of England, and I’ve got more meetings in the same sort of area tomorrow so I’m staying in a very cheap hotel up here tonight. The hotel room consists of a bathroom, a bed, a TV, a kettle and some 1980s carpet and wallpaper.

The couple next door to me is having sex.

It’s very slow and rather rhythmical… I can hear a very loud slap, then a grunt from him, then a squeal from her… Then a pause, then the same again. At first I thought that he was giving her some sort of spanking, but it sounds far too slow and methodical for that.

She says, every now and again, in her broad Northern accent, “That’s it, right there, I love it when you do it like that.” Occasionally the wording is slightly different, but it’s pretty much the same each time. I’d say that she make such an expression every 4 strokes/slaps or so.

I’m probably too drunk to masturbate, but not quite drunk enough to knock on the door and offer to join in.