MC Banhammer Posted:

Don’t ****ing celebrate birthdays!

Birthdays were first celebrated in 1910 when then-president William Howard Taft decided he needed a way to spy on Americans. So he invented the “birthday” concept as a way of tracking time and then came driver’s licenses at 16 and beer at 18 or 21. The government requires bakeries to put little micro-devices in birthday cakes so when you eat them the government can track your every move. That’s why bakers only eat birthday cakes they make in their own homes. It’s true! Not everyone knows this but I have a cousin who’s a baker and she told me that and gave me a micro-device as proof. I CAN FIND MYSELF WITH A GPS DEVICE BECAUSE OF THAT!

Bake sales were introduced in schools in the 1930s to try to sway people into thinking that cakes are safe, and really took off in the 50s with the Commie scare.

One of the lolliest thing I’ve read in a while