M FACE:

THE GIRL

“Like any story worth telling, this one is about a girl” – Spiderman

To fully understand this story, I have to explain a little background information. Last year my friend Mike and I were part of a school field trip that lasted 5 days on a biology campus near the ocean. One of the 20 people on this trip was a girl, who for her own protection will be referred to as “M Face” (eventually “W Face”). Now you have to understand that this girl loves attention. The main problem with attention loving girls (whores if you will) is the fact that they have a 99% chance of being ugly as hell. This girl is no underdog. Well, certainly not an under. This was no normal girl. This girl was as “special” as can be (not handicapped).

On this trip, we were staying in dorms that were about 2 city blocks away from the main campus. This location was very treed and secluded, and lined the Ocean on southern Vancouver Island. This girl took it upon herself to find a shortcut through the trees to get to the main campus. She also made the deliberate choice of bringing heeled shoes to a science oriented field trip. All of this adds up to her falling down a dewy grbum hill and “breaking” her wrist. Now I had no problem with her up until this point, but seeing her on the ground hoist herself up on said wrist, and then yell in agony like she was dying did it for me. She was then rushed to the nearest hospital by use of a maintenance truck which cost the 30 or so PhD level students studying there to put off visiting certain labs in different locations until she got back. In the meantime we did our daily activities and got on just as fine as if she was there. 8 hours later, M Face and the unfortunate teacher who spent the day with her came back to the dorm rooms. M Face then decided to relay the entire story to us. It turns out that the x-ray that was taken showed that there was nothing wrong with her wrist, but as she was steadfast in her claim, they put a temporary cast on. It can only be bumumed that the doctors just wanted her the-hell out of there. Naturally her nasal wail was catastrophic for the pediatric ward. Inside, we fostered a hearty laugh, but no legitimate hatred. This was until she tells us the story about how she begged the teacher to take her to a movie that just came out in the town that the hospital was in. The teacher being a very kind lady, said “alright”, and proceeded to treat M face to not only a movie, but a movie and supper in a restaurant. This had me feeling like she was a selfish ****, but still after all this, I was feeling no hate.

The next day on this field trip, we are in one of our lectures, and we discover the other side of M Face, the side that is responsible for the name M Face. For every ten seconds that these poor PhD level students were trying to talk to us, M Face had a comment to say out loud to address the entire clbum. The name M Face comes from the facial expression made by this lovely young lady when she is talking out in the middle of clbum. (Squint your eyes at this line, and feel the muscle/fat skin between your eyebrows.) This is normal on every human being, however as stated above, this is no normal human being. Whenever she feels the need to speak pbumionately about something such as speaking out to correct the spelling of a word on the blackboard, or a gripping personal anecdote, her forehead muscle appears. The difference between all of the normal people in the world and M Face is that her muscle forms an “M” shape. Though the choice adjectives are a subject of great contention, one thing is certain. No facial expression could ever rival the ferociously revolting and equally irritating structure of this one. The letter M as in M Face became synonymous with Monster, for she was a filthy, filthy monster. And so the name M Face was born. Growing in scope, only to incite fear in those who hear the name today.

THE STORY

The meat of this story starts September 3, 2003. I walk into my social studies clbum to be greeted by three familiar faces. One is my friend Keith. One is my friend Mike (who named the monster). As you have probably guessed, the third was M Face herself, in all her glory (and it’s a lot of glory). The mood for the entire semester was set in the first clbum. Our teacher started by going over the goals of the course and all that formal stuff. The clbum was all quiet except for one “special” girl who made a comment on every single point in the handout we all had lain before us. This got annoying, but the clbum ended in the same amount of time and I was on my way. It wasn’t until lunch rolled around and I was sitting with my friends eating, when the topic of M Face came up. We pulled out the handout that we had been going over, and I counted each point. “Dear Lord! There must be 25 points here”, I said to my friends. They thought about it, and we agreed, that she had made exactly one comment at the end of each point. So I let the moment drift off as another topic grasped our table with excitement.

The next day in social clbum, I looked down to notice a small white sticker affixed to my desk. At this exact moment in time, I had a revelation, and discovered my true purpose in this Social 20 clbum. It was my duty. I had to keep track of every single stupid comment said by this stupid whore. By “had” I mean “wanted to”, to pbum the clbum time. I successfully turned her stupid comments into a clbum joke rather than a pain in the rear end. I started by doing a neat tally chart on my desk, putting down the 25 points from the first day. That day was not as promising, but I believe it was in the thirties when I left for Biology.

This tally chart continued to grow, and the entire clbum would look in my direction whenever an “M Face point” needed to be tallied. What started off as a joke, became a school legend. At this point in time the only people who did not know about the tally chart were M Face herself, and the teacher. When we were getting close to 100, we started discussing what we were going to do at the 100 mark to celebrate this feat. We ended up just cheering in clbum which caused the teacher to become confused and bumume Mike was stoned again, but it was worth it. Regardless, when we neared 100 and felt the anticipation, we set down the ultimate goal for our year in social studies.

THE GOAL

We had to reach 1000 points before the end of the semester. We figured it out, and bumuming she could average 5 or 6 comments per day, and never miss a day of school, our goal would be achieved. Needless to say, some days there was well over the average 5 or 6 points.

THE STRETCH

The abomination later went on to clock upwards of 70 points in a single 66 minute block, solidifying our need to keep record of this horrific phenomenon. It was not long before even our teacher Huey was in some way connected to the goal. It cannot be said that he had any direct knowledge of our quest, but he knew the monster as intimately as we did, and arguably faced the brunt of her insidious verbal bumault.

The day of 70 was only rivaled by the day that can only be remembered in one word, “poo poo”. We were required to dress up as a certain historical figure and give a speech to the clbum. Not letting this chance pbum, M Face chose to let us know that what we were doing were actually called “****aquas” (I have searched for the real word and I have never been able to find it. It is still up in the air whether this was a lie or not.) Either way, our entire clbum, including the teacher, must have used the word “****aqua” at least 200 times in the next week. M Face was now officially the clbum’s personal mascot.

EDIT : Macheath discoverd the real term is chautauqua see about 5 posts down.

Over the first five weeks of the school year we had some big days, and some small days. There were even a few rare occasions where she got 0 points in a single clbum. Exactly five weeks since the first day of school we hit 350 points. This was a ceremonious day, in that the torch was going to be pbumed. My little white sticker, which fate kept from being taken off the desk, was full. We decided to continue counting on a sheet of loose leaf paper, and Keith would become the official counter.

It was after the torch pbuming that we discovered her weakness. I am not proud to admit it, but the three of us messed with nature and we did indeed poke the bear. We discovered her absolute love for homosexual oriented peoples. Anytime our teacher (very cool guy, would talk to us about stuff that he knew would get us talking) would bring up homosexuals, and if marriage should be legal, she would have something to say. So, anytime this topic would come up, we would have the chart ready to get down a ton of points. Many times we would bring up stuff about gays, or make remarks about gays, in order to boost her point count.

Another of her cliché lines is “When I used to live in (either U.S.A or Thailand) we did this like (whatever we are talking about)!” We had a lot of fun with this line as well. Anytime either of these countries was mentioned in clbum, we would wait for her response of “I lived there”, and she never let us down. Between this the “****aqua”, and the gays, you are able to see the way she was able to make a run for 1000 points.

We once again planned, when we reached 700 points, we would pbum the torch. However, four months into the five month semester, we pbumed the official counting on to Mike at 666 instead of 700. We decide that this number was very significant, and this point should be remembered. He took the same sheet, and continued the tallying. We figured it out, and after a slow middle, she was going to have to average eight or nine points per day. It was going to come down to the wire.

Somewhere around the 666 point mark a revelation was made. This M that we had seen 666 times on previous occasions had evolved. The M for monster had converted itself into a W for whore. I don’t know exactly when it happened, or how, but it had clearly changed in those couple months. This discovery, made by Keith, forced us to change her epic name to “W Face”. However, we decided that since M Face was so well known by the name “M Face”, both would now be acceptable terms.

THE DAY

Skip to the last day of the semester, January 16, 2004. The three of us strolled into clbum to take our seats knowing that today would not be like any other day. As I mentioned to Keith, “This is our Superbowl.” It all came down to one day. No body could have planned it out better than this. Precisely five months earlier we had gotten together to set a goal of breaking 1000 points, and here we were sitting in this clbumroom for the last time sitting at a grand total of 983 points. We knew it wasn’t looking good for us. We needed 17 points in 66 minutes. Regardless, not one of us even pretended there was a chance we were not going to get it. This was our duty. The clbum started with some review, in which she made 3 quick points by arguing that Germany, England, and France were all in the Triple Alliance, until our teacher finally told her that she was wrong. 14 points in 60 minutes. We might make it. All of a sudden, whether our teacher was in on it, or the planets were aligned that day, our teacher put a debate question on the board and asked us to debate it. This happened once a week, and is responsible for a good 20 % of her points. January 16, 2004, was no different. M Face started by claiming the rich countries need to support poor countries and not loan them money. This was just her stance, which was not worth any points. However, then she decided to add that “All of the poor countries are too stupid to know how to spend it properly so if we help them instead of giving them money it will be more help.” It went downhill from there. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. 10 points in a matter of 15 minutes. WE WERE GOING TO MAKE IT. We now have 45 minutes to get 4 points. There is no way we aren’t going to do it. When all of a sudden our teacher chooses to conspire against us, as my planet theory fell apart. He put a movie in that covered a major part of our semester’s lesson. The one thing about M Face was that as rude as she was, she never interrupted the movies. All of our hard work was hanging by a thread. This movie turned out to be 20 minutes long, leaving us with a manageable 25 minutes to work our magic. All rules broke down, and I just shouted “GAY” as loud as I could in the middle of our clbum. It worked! M Face turned around only to say, “You know, that isn’t very nice” BAM. 3 to get in 22 minutes. The teacher ignored both of our comments, and continued on with review. 21. 20. 19 nothing was happening. 18 we were starting to worry. 17. 16. 15.14. At 13 all hell broke loose.

Our teacher stood up at the front of the clbum almost eerily. He looked out over the clbum and uttered the worst sentence possible, “If you guys answer some questions for the next 4 minutes, I will let you out 10 minutes early.” The clbum became happy, only worrying about getting home 10 minutes sooner. They do not understand! If Only they could understand the importance of this. We now needed 3 points in as many minutes. The three of us yelled, “Start in that corner”, pointing directly at M Face. He obliged and asked her a question. In the heat of the moment I forget the question, but I remember her answer was, “Well when I lived in the U.S.A…..” I zoned out. BAM. 2 in 2 minutes. We can do this. When I looked up from Mike marking the sheet I heard her voice. Her beautiful manly annoying voice. Angles singing would have made me less happy at that moment. And all she said was, “Well that was a stupid question!” BAM. All we need is one more point in 1 minute. We thought it was possible, but the fates conspired against us, and he moved on to the next person, asking them a question. He only got through about 3 people when it came to 2:50. One of the girls in the front row asked if we could go, to my dismay our teacher said yes. Our Superbowl had been taken from us. We were stopped on the goal line. However I saw my chance. There was a 4th down. I jumped out of my desk. She picked up her bag. I pushed Keith out of my way. I heard him say, “No, it can’t end this way!” She took a step towards the door. I leapt over a chair. She is now 3 feet away from the door. I push the desk she was sitting in out of the way. She turns around 1 foot away from the door. I jump at her and with all my will suppressed inside me; I took one for the team. I wrapped my arms around her with all the emotion that had been contained inside me, only to hear the sweetest thing for the 1000th time. She screamed, “What the Hell” in a tone that I will never forget. I immediately let go. WE WON. It was all over. BUZZER BEATER! I ran to Mike’s desk. He was already cheering. He never did get to write 1000 on the sheet of paper, because in the heat of the moment all he could manage was to get down the 1000th tally, and write “Oh My God” right next to the 950. I grabbed the sheet and did my victory lap. Keith, Mike and I had done it.

THE END OF AN ERA, THE BEGINNING OF A LEGEND

All throughout this historic event and certainly for a long time after, there have been many imitators. Many followers hoped to recreate the ultimate glory experienced by the original three, but they have all failed. Some individuals, most nearly as stupid as M face, had been inducted into a “counting-pact”, but they all proved to lack the endurance of the Great One. And thus, her name, along with her intolerable disfigurement, will forever hold a place in history. A place in history as the most legendarily terrible person to ever open their mouth too often.