Chapter 12: A List of Famous Women That I Have male reproductive organ Slapped (Either Out of Anger or Love)

Holly Hunter(Love)

Geena Davis (Love)

Angela Bbumet (Love)

Emily Watson (Anger)

Darryl Hannah (Love)

Judie Dench (Anger)

Tiffany (Love)

Sally Field (Love)

Nena (Anger)

jane Fonda (Anger)

Angela Bowie (she asked me to)

Mary Tyler Moore (dared to do it)

Tatum O’Neal (accident, the bumons on my fly popped off)

etc.

Chapter 16: The Most I Ever Puked

It was right after I got done filming my made for TV spectacular Charlie Sheen’s Stunt Spectacular and we were at some bar in LA.

I’m all ready real drunk because I had a tooth ache and there wasn’t any aspirin around so I drank a bottle of whiskey. Anyway, I go into the bathroom and this guy sees me and is like, “Hey, you’re Charlie Sheen” and I’m like, “I totally am dude, you’ve got good eyes.” And I high-fived him.

This guy’s like, “Hey, Mr. Sheen, I’ve got some blow…do you want some?” I’m like, “I sure ****ing do and, hey, call me Charlie.” So we go into a stall and he chops out a few lines on the seat. Like a gram and a half.

****ing paltry, but when the king visits you give him what you have and both parties appreciate it.

So I railed it all. No dollar or straw just nostrils smashed against crapper seat.

The guy looked kind of disappointed and angry, so as I was leaving the bathroom i took off my shirt and threw it to him. Like in that old commercial.

Flash forward a couple months and I have a nose bleed for like five days straight. I go to a doctor and he tells me I got some bum parasite up my nose from my bathroom adventure. He gives me some medicine and tells me not to drink.

The only reason there are rules is so I can break them and continue to be America’s greatest rebel so I had some bloody marys, couple of beers, some valiums, and half a gallon of bourbon.

About a minute after I got that bourbon down I start puking in my bed like a ****ing firehose. I tried to scream but it just propelled the puke more and it started getting on the ceiling and dripping down. Every wall was brown and all our wood furniture was ruined.

But it was prety funny.