A koala is sitting up in a gum tree … smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, “Hey Koala ! What are you doing?” The koala says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?”

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”

So the koala looks down at him and says:

“Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude … how much water did you drink?!!”

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These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.

The first guy says, “It’s gotta be the booze. I’m always drunk.”

The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.

The guy’s thinking, “**** yeah! Look at all this alcohol!” and runs into the room.

The second guy says, “It’s the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife.”

The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn’t believe it and his male reproductive organ got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.

The third dude says, “It’s gotta be the bud. I’m always tokin’ up.”

The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can’t believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.

One hundred years pbum and the Devil returns to check on the three men.

He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He’s got an empty bottle in one hand, he’s completely naked, hasn’t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, ****, and ****. “I’ll never drink again!” he says. The devil says it’s good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. “I’m ****ing gay!” he screams. The devil figures he’s learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.

The Devil asks him if he’s learned anything.

The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, “Dude … you got a light?”

———————————

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.”

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.”

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A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.

One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

“Yes, but you know how I love to fish…”

“But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”

“Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish”

A few hours later, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”

“I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…”

The following day: “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”

“Yeah, but she’s got phyrrea; and you know how I love to fish…”

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.”

“It’s ‘cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”

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Two couples go on a second honeymoon to put some excitement into their sex life. After two days they are completely bored and are talking in a bar. The bar tender tells them that where he comes from, they swap partners to put some zing into their sex lives.

The couples decide to try it and head back to their hotel rooms. After about an hour of pbumionate sex, one pair is finished and come out of their room. “That wasn’t as good as it’s cracked up to be” said one to the other, “let’s see how the girls got on”.

—————————

A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife

in bed with another man.

“Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“It’s all right for you to say,” answered his buddy. “But what

if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with

your wife?”

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane

and kick his seeing-eye dog in the bum.”

—————————-

A beautiful young woman is about to undergo a minor operation.

She’s lying on a trolley in a hospital corridor, awaiting medical attention, when a man in a white coat approaches her, lifts the sheet covering her, and performs a physical examination of her body. He then walks away poker-faced, consults with another man in a white coat, who approaches and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches, the girl asks, concerned, “is everything okay? When is the operation going to begin?”

“Your guess is as good as mine, lady,” the man says, shrugging. “We’re just painting the corridor.”