Thank you, I got my BP. Now, I’ll try for another!

————-

A young woman goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

——————-

An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800’s. Suddenly he stops and points. “Bear have babies.” He says.

One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, “How’d you know that!?.”

“I know these things,” replied the Indian.

They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, “deer tracks.”

“How’d you know that!?” asks the young pioneer once again.

“I know these things.”

After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. “Buffalo come.”

“How’d you know that!?”

“Ear wet.”

———————

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just

stroking his male reproductive organ, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ‘Why do you love

doing that?’

She replied, ‘Because I really miss mine.’

—————

A boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy’s chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

“Duke!” the dad yelled.

“This is great!” the boy thought. “He thinks the dog is farting!” So he let out another one.

“Duke!” the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a eally loud and smelly fart.

“Duke! Get out of there before the boy ****s on you!”

——————-

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’

‘That’s easy; he’s a midget with a speech impediment.’

So the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

‘A female horth.’

So he shows him a prized filly.

‘Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth’?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

‘Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth’?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

‘Nith earzth, can I see her mouf’?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

‘Nice mouf, can I see her twat’?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s rear end, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. ‘Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit’?

——————-

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.”

The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”

“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”

“And who might be the woman you were with?”

“I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”

“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”

“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Fiona Mallory, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” “Five more good leads!”

——————

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old given her father’s age, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of pbumion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.” “Well, that’s pretty pathetic,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the large rock, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

———————

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”

The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, you don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”

—————-

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”

As she pbumed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”

“No!” she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she pbumed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked.

“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.

“****!” he said, and dropped her.

——————-

A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.

So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he’d buy her a gift. “Any thing at all, my love”, the guy said, overcome with remorse.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she replied, “You really shouldn’t do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don’t need.”

The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.

——————-

More if need be.