Folks

I’d like to sing a song about the American Dream

About me

About you

About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottoms of our chests

About that special feeling we get in the male reproductive organles of our hearts

Or maybe below the male reproductive organles

Maybe in the sub-male reproductive organle area

Maybe in the liver

Maybe in the kidneys

Maybe even in the colon

We don’t know

I’m just a regular joe

With a regular job

I’m your average white

Suburbanite slob

I like football, and porno, and books about war

I’ve got an average house

With a nice hardwood floor

My wife, and my job

My kids, and my car

My feet on my table

And a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain’t enough

To keep a man like me interested

Oh no, no way, uh uhh

No, I gotta go out and have fun

At someone else’s expense

Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow

In the ultra-fast lane

While people behind me are going insane

I’m an bumhole

(he’s an bumhole, what an bumhole)

I’m an bumhole

(he’s an bumhole, such an bumhole)

I use public toilets

And I **** on the seat

I walk around in the summer time sayin’, “How about this heat?”

I’m an bumhole

(he’s an bumhole, what an bumhole)

I’m an bumhole

(he’s the worlds biggest bumhole)

Sometimes I park in the handicapped spaces

While handicapped people

Make handicapped faces

I’m an bumhole

(he’s an bumhole, what an bumhole)

I’m an bumhole

(he’s a real f**king bumhole)

Maybe I shouldn’t be singin’ this song

Ranting and raving and carrying on

Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong…

...

NAAAHHHHH!

I’m an bumhole

(he’s an bumhole, what an bumhole)

I’m an bumhole

(he’s the world’s biggest bumhole)

You know what I’m gonna do?

I’m gonna get myself a 1967 Cadilac El Dorado Convertable

Hot pink!

With whale skin hub caps

An all leather cow interior

And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights

YEAH!

And I’m gonna drive around in that baby

At 115 miles per hour

Getting one mile per gallon

Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers

And when I’m done sucking down those grease-ball burgers

I’m gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag

And then I’m gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side

And there ain’t a Goddamn thing anybody can do about it

You know why?

‘Cause we got the bombs, that’s why!

Two words: Nuclear F**kin’ Weapons

Okay!?

Russia, Germany, Romania

They can have all the Democracy they want

They can have a big Democracy cake walk

Right through the middle of Tienemen Square

And it won’t make a lick of difference

Because we got the bombs

Okay!?

John Wayne’s not dead

He’s frozen!

And as soon as we find a cure for cancer We’re gonna thaw out “The Duke”

And he’s gonna be pretty ****ed off

You know why?

Have you ever taken a cold shower?

Well, multiply that by 15 million times

That’s how ****ed off “The Duke”’s gonna be

I’m gonna get “The Duke”

And John Cbumavetes

And Lee Marvin

And Sam Peckinpah

And a case of whiskey

And drive down to Texas

And-

(Hey, Hey! You know you really are an bumhole)

Why don’t you just shut-up and sing the song, pal?

You know, the whole time I thought I was that bumhole

And it turns out it was him

What an bumhole!

I’m an bumhole

(he’s an bumhole, what an bumhole)

I’m an bumhole

(he’s the worlds biggest bumhole)

A – SS – HO – LE!

Everybody!!

A – SS – HO – LE!

*dog barking noises*

I’m an bumhole and proud of it!