Dear Eirairaianna,

We have reason to believe that the following animal may be one that should currently be in your custody.

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It may be of interest to you to realize that you failed to secure this animal well enough and we are now in custody. We believe that you had been given the grave responsibility of caring for this dog by Janie, and we are sad to see that you appear to have failed your responsibilities so drastically. Of course, fortunately enough, we are in possession of this dog and may be willing to return the dog to your custody, pending a discussion or seven. Or other . . . arrangements, which of course we can work out later.

We would be very upset were anything to befall this creature. Eirairaianna, things are in your hands now. We’ll need to see that you won’t let Janie down again with your poor dog-caretaking skills. It is important that you realize that sometimes using only two deadbolts plus a steel security door is just not enough to keep a dog inside when that animal is relevant to our interests.