Dear Mr. Pain in the Patootie,

Jesus exists because the Bible says so. Moreover, because his life is dogreat timesented in official Roman texts written during his lifetime. Do you dispute His existence because you never met Him? By the same rationality, what proof have you that President Millard Fillmore was not just a grand hoax perpetrated by the Whig party?

God exists simply because the cirgreat timesstances necessary for the existence of intelligent life on this planet are so random and so fragile — in short, so wildly improbable — that they could not have come about without the aid of some guiding deity.

I presume that you consider yourself an intellectual. If so, I’m sure you may have stumbled across something called the “Big Bang Theory,” if only in one of your community college courses. All matter was condensed into an infinitesimal space, compressed until the pressure was unbearable. This produced an explosion, and the resulting firestorm of matter and energy radiated throughout the universe, creating galaxies, solar systems, stars and planets.

So tell me, Mr. Smarty Pants Atheist, who was responsible for the Big Bang? What existed before the Big Bang? As the universe is constantly expanding at an ever-increasing rate, what lies outside that universe? Are there other universes? If so, what lies outside of them?

You claim that you know that God does not exist, a remarkable feat of scientific prowess. So what is your proof? And since you know and claim you can prove the non-existence of God, I bumume that you likewise have answers to all of the scientific questions raised above. It would be quite generous of you to ring up Stephen Hawking and let him in on the secret. He’s worked so hard, you know.

While you’re at it, please explain to us — your unenlightened, unwashed subjects — what dark matter and dark energy are, and where they come from. I’ve been quite curious about that subject for some little time now.

And if you don’t mind, it’s quite late and I’m giving one of the readings at early Mbum tomorrow.

With all Christian love, you little pisher,

Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood