Janie Posted:

I TRY to spell her name right. It’s just so many aiaiaiaiaias. Eirairaianna, I don’t know if you can read this, but if you can, don’t worry about RustyBlade. He can find his own way home. You just shoot this **** and run.

P.S. Lightning Bolt isn’t gonna cut it on this one. Use real ammo.

Rusty Blade won’t be finding his way ANYWHERE unless she knocks it off — and knocks it off she has. Or she’s knocked out. Whichever. Who knew that “does this rag smell like chloroform to you?” would work so well?

Hahahaha, her little “lightning bolt!” didn’t do **** all against chloroform.

Now, Janie dearest, let’s discuss what you know about Ms. Kali if you ever want to see the dog OR Eirairaianna again.

We’ve been all over Hollywood. Seriously, it’s been terrible. The traffic out there is unbelievable. Literally, three hours near Hollywood and Highland. It was enough to make us take out Hayden ourselves, were we given to that sort of activity.

Other suggestions?

OK, I’m here. But I have no idea where Kerri is. Now gimme my damn dog.

Eirairaianna Posted:

...huh? Wah— wahts’ going on? Were… o… im’ stil in tihs stikney car. Unghh… Hey Mis fake polise ladei, are we tehre yet? I hav too pee adn, my hed hurts. I,m dizy. I had a weerd dreme yo uwant too here about it? I dremed i was in teh forets adn… o… urgh.. I feel… urp… my stomick…

Ungh… sory about taht. I… taht smel… it…

O. Sory agen. I gess taths’ yor perse. I dont’ usualy get carsek , not usualy but…the smel adn the dizy feelnig… Im’ sory abotu your pants. O hey lok you ca nsee the popcron i had for sanck tihs mornig. So, are we tehre yetttt?

Ps. liteni… urp… ugh… sory agen.

. . . JESUS. Jesus CHRIST. My purse! My . . . oh man.

Look, get in the back of the car. I’m putting up the grate in between the front and the back. We’re almost there. We’re dropping the dog off but you’re staying with us. For now.

What happened in your stupid dream about garbage?

If she’s being so much trouble, I think you should just drop her off and go. If you can find Kerri, I hope she uses her shovel on you. She’s good with it. And if I find you, I’m going to turn Biff 2 and Janie 2 on you for what you did to my Biff!

Janie Posted:

If she’s being so much trouble, I think you should just drop her off and go. If you can find Kerri, I hope she uses her shovel on you. She’s good with it. And if I find you, I’m going to turn Biff 2 and Janie 2 on you for what you did to my Biff!

I didn’t do anything to your Biff! I was serious! I gave you information about combatting scorpion venom!

Jesus. See what happens when I try to be helpful?

This has been the worst week I have ever had.

Eirairaianna is returned. My car smells like vomit and popcorn. Vomited popcorn. Whatever. I don’t know how it got on the ceiling liner. The dog is returned. Biff is off doing whatever Biff does. Aleks is returned. We don’t have anyone in our custody and frankly, we don’t want any of you in our custody. I have never, ever dealt with a more uncooperative hostage (while being strangely cooperative).

I have paperwork to do and then I am going back to the office and requesting rebumignment. You all are on your own. I’ve been trying to HELP around here, and I’m SORRY if I’m not good at conveying that. You can just see if you like the next person any more than you like me, you hateful, inconsiderate people!

Venom Biff Tannen declares that this has been an awesome week. Spiderman and me are going paragliding then we’re judging the local H00ters beauty pageant!!

I will find “Spiderman”, and I will rip his stupid pajama uniform from his stupid body before cramming his webslinging wrist-whatevers down his overused throat!

Venom Biff Tannen Posted:

Venom Biff Tannen warns Isaac to run! She’s even more clingy than Mary Jane.

I don’t pretend to know much about this “spiderman” ****, but isn’t spiderman Peter Prick or something like that? Something doesn’t add up here. And when things don’t add up, my fingers get twitchy.