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List of Gifts

talk: willies

  • Add a "Usable By" column listing which clbumes can use which junk come episode 2
  • need verify Spamminator 2000™ v2.0 can be obtained as gifts
  • add any items not on list
  • editing note: when taking the url for pictures of items sometimes after .jpg is followed by ? and some jibberish, you can delete everything after the .jpg

Kelenius:

  • Base Cost can be learned through Kyoubai.
  • Flezz value at 10 frugality = BC*0.665
  • Selling price starts with 50% at 0 frugality and gets 1.65% for each point until 10.
  • Max Selling Price is achieved at Frugality 10
  • Price is rounded down. Human skull: 30*0.665=19.95. Sells for 19.
  • Don't forget to remove space after name and description!
  • Copy (from edit page) and paste thing:

|- |Log in to see images!||Name_goes_here |Description_goes_here |[insert.link_to_image.here link]||000000||000000


List of Unusable Gifts

Icon Name Description Image Max Selling Price Base Cost
Log in to see images!Chinese Takeaway These crispy noodles are six months old, but you’d never know it due to the extremely high amount of MSG; not only is it a great preservative, but it’s also a powerful deliciousizer. link000001000001
Log in to see images!Marble Lost your marbles? Here’s one.

Also works as a poor man’s anal bead.
link000001000002
Log in to see images!Dishwashing Brush Hey, when it comes time to start scrubbing ‘tween yo momma’s fleshy flab-folds, this wiry brush will really get those bedsores, um…somewhat less festering? link000001000003
Log in to see images!Ironic Egg Timer There’s something inherently disturbing about a chicken going out of its way to remind you that its unborn fetus is about to become breakfast.

Will there be a pleasant chime when your baby dies?
link000003000005
Log in to see images!Retro Calendar The flipping mechanism on this calendar is broken, but don’t let that stop you from placing it prominently in your living area.

Hey…at least it’s right once a month.
link000003000006
Log in to see images!Vinyl Record This novelty record from the early ‘60s is by an obscure singer by the name of “Tubbs Parcheesi” who began a dance craze called “The Sitdown.” The song finally cracked the Billboard 1000 after he choked to death on a peanut bumer ‘n kielbasa sandwich. link000004000007
Log in to see images!Tomato Soup Can The educational system in California has really gone downhill in the last few years…. link000005000008
Log in to see images!Birdhouse Attract soothing songbirds and, occasionally, a homeless man’s smegma. link000005000009
Log in to see images!Rusty Old Kettle This is a magical pixie kettle. If you rub it just right, absolutely nothing will happen, because magic doesn’t exist, you superstitious male reproductive organhead. link000007000011
Log in to see images!Approxim-o™ Knife This unpopular cousin of the famous utility knife makes a great toy for children and pets. link000008000013
Log in to see images!Dried-Out Cheese This wedge of cheese is just big enough to fit into the average American hamburger. Bon appetit, fatso! link000011000018
Log in to see images!Abandoned Tire Someone’s horrendous accident is now your windfall! Enjoy, you heartless monster! link000014000022
Log in to see images!Expired Ground Pork Although this may look like maggots, this is actually ground pork.

The maggots are underneath.
link000016000025
Log in to see images!Human Skull This decomposed human head doesn’t do anything for you, but there’s probably some Wiccan out there who would like to stick a candle in its eye sockets, then leave it on their desk as a reminder of how badbum they really are. link000019000030
Log in to see images!Anvil With this anvil, you have the potential to become the best “Black Smith” since The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Yo homes, smell ya later!
link000026000040
Log in to see images!Fish Head Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads.

Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, man them ****s is delicious. Aw yee.
link000033000050
Log in to see images!Genuine Asimov™ OS IX OS IX is the latest release of the Asimov Operating System™ for Asimov™ Super Computers. New features in OS IX include:

Support for Keyboards and Mice:* You may now use the latest in computer inputting technology to communicate with Asimov OS.

Deleting of files:* Tired of buying new hard drives every time your old one filled up with junk? Throw those worries away with our new and novel file deleting commands!

Digital Rights Management:* Sleep well at night knowing that the copy of the software you purchased is actually owned by you, and that the profits of the Asimov Corporation™ are safe!

Very rarely causes your computer to burst into flames*
link000055000083
Log in to see images!Children’s Playhouse Kit This fun playhouse has been pre-bumembled for your convenience. Just add chains, padlocks and a hornet’s nest! link000066000100
Log in to see images!Empty Gas Pump For fun, turn this into a homemade colonic irrigation system. Just fill it with lukewarm coffee and you can become the next Tubgirl! link000099000150
Log in to see images!McBuggy Anti-Anti Virus™ Is anti-virus software getting in your way constantly? Do you hate feeling protected and safe? If so, McBuggy Anti-Anti Virus™ is the software for you!

Simply install this software, and like magic your anti-virus software will go away. Say goodbye to a life free of infection!

Say hello to McBuggy.
link000199000300
Log in to see images!Bicycle They say that bicycles are the most efficient form of transportation. We say, ever try to **** a chick on the backseat of a bicycle? That’s what we thought, fabulous persongitron. link000332000500
Log in to see images!Motherboard Your motherboard? I’d **** her. link000997001500
Log in to see images!Deed to Indian Burial Ground This is an old deed for a parcel of land currently inhabited by the ghosts of 1,000 dead Crow Indians. Perfect for setting up your mini-golf course or dream (nightmare?) home. link001995003000
Log in to see images!Electric Transportation Device This marvel of human engineering uses six gyroscopic sensors to make you look like the biggest douchebag on the police force stuck on the “convention center beat.” Easily chase down crooks (as long as they stay away from stairs). link002992004500
Log in to see images!Sexual Relations With That Woman It’s the closest thing you’ll ever come to ****ing Bill Clinton…even if your name happens to be Hillary Clinton! She’ll let you stick a cigar in her twat, and will even perform analingus on you while calling you “Mither Prethiden.” link003541005325
Log in to see images!Jew’s Harp This ancient mouth instrument produces a highly unusual twanging sound, and has no actual relationship with the Jewish people other than the fact it is highly overpriced and will only marry other Jew’s Harps. See JHarpDate.com. link003990006000
Log in to see images!Pipe Organ It’s the only musical instrument whose name consists of two euphemisms for the male reproductive organ, and that alone makes it valuable. Also useful for seducing nuns and choirboys. link004987007500
Log in to see images!Justin Timberlake’s Mobile Phone Even though he sings like a homo, this guy actually gets more celebrity tail than Ol’ Blue Eyes did, back before he needed ol’ blue pills. Hell, he even ****ed Britney Spears back when she was hot and was smart enough to run out before she went all fat, bald and floppy-snatch’d. You can call up pretty much any young starlet and when they see the caller ID, they’ll be flying out to **** you before you can say “great times Me a River.” link005852008800
Log in to see images!Seasonal Centerpiece This is a slightly used centerpiece celebrating the autumn harvest. It reminds you of all the artsy crap your Aunt Charlotte used to make after she found out your Uncle male reproductive organ was leaving her for the poolboy. She had so much love to give… link007514011300
Log in to see images!Preorder Receipt for Duke Nukem Forever This proves you paid a $10 deposit for a copy of Duke Nukem Forever on August 10, 2001. Keep holding onto the dream. link011147016763
Log in to see images!Pearl Necklace Necklace Made from globules of human semen, this is meant to increase a Camwhore’s Sexiness when equipped.

Unfortunately, its powers dried up after about three minutes. It’s a pheromone thing.
link014779022225
Log in to see images!Tome of Blasphemous Horrors This book is said to contain secrets that man should never know — tales of eldritch terrors beyond comprehension and non-Euclidean geometry. Merely touching it is supposed to drive a man insane.

Kind of unimpressive compared to goatse, though.
link022044033150
Log in to see images!****in’ Pimp Hat Regardless of how awesome this hat is, no, you will NEVER be a pimp, and yes, you’re still ugly.

Sweet hat, though.
link021612032500
Log in to see images!Disgusting Clump of Hair Wet, smelly, and stuck together with mold. At least, you think it’s mold…oh dear god. link025268033150
Log in to see images!Wooden Figurine Man, I’d sacrifice a few ribs to be able to do that too. link025602038500
Log in to see images!‘90s Senior Picture Although not quite as clbumy as Glamor Shotz™, these ‘90s senior pictures are radical!

Get yours holding an electric guitar with a stylish mullet, in your favorite pair of Zubaz pants! Not your style? Then how about putting up a peace sign while wearing your I Log in to see images! Say “cheesy”!
link027481041325
Log in to see images!male reproductive organ Mug Do you like drinking hot coffee? How about sucking male reproductive organ? Now you can enjoy both at the same time with this male reproductive organ-shaped mug! Sucking male reproductive organ has never been more stimulating! (Okay, it was more stimulating once, but that’s it.) link028628043050
Log in to see images!Roll of Toilet Paper Whether it’s used for wiping your bum, clogging up a drain or TPing someone’s house, toilet paper is just plain awesome. And when you’re done using the paper you can pretend you have a cardboard spyglbum!

This particular roll consists of the nice soft kind of ****paper — not the gray, recycled, scrape-your-bum-lining stuff.
link030922046500
Log in to see images!Cosplaying Gloves Left behind at DragonCon ‘07, these gloves carry with them a legacy of whispered legends and flights of fancy. Some say that actual Mark Hamill himself wore these the day before he went on the set of Star Wars for the first time, while others say that they were created late one night by Darren Aronofsky.

Realistically? Some 300-pound guy made these for the Ye Olde Renaissance Faire and came inside them. Five times.
link031920048000
Log in to see images!Toenail Clippings In WWII, kamikaze pilots would sometimes put a collection of toenail clippings in a box to be buried in the likely event that they didn’t return. These aren’t from a Japanese pilot; they’re just the disgusting toenail clippings from some random filthy miscreant. But it makes for an interesting story, doesn’t it? link032585049000
Log in to see images!The Pleasure Bag™ When ****ing with the lights off is out of the question, reach for your trusty Pleasure Bag™! Can also be used to crudely conceal the identity of local rapists, i.e., you. link033250050000
Log in to see images!Branding Iron Oh, burn! Few items out there that can produce this much pain while making you look so damn trendy! Public humiliation is so hot right now. link035245053000
Log in to see images!Lump of Used Copper Wire Copper wire is a staple of DIY projects, such as gauss guns or home abortion kits. link037240056000
Log in to see images!Venus de Milo Considering that this famous statue represents the goddess of love and beauty, she’s actually not as hot as you’d expect! Her mammary glands are small, her hair is too short, she’s got a face that says PMS, her arms are missing and her legs seem kinda fat underneath that sheet she wears.

Perhaps the French adore her because she has no armpit hair. One thing is for sure: they’re pretty ****ed off that their “beautiful” statue is no longer in the Louvre.
link039900060000
Log in to see images!Six Trillion Zimbabwean Dollars Okay, there’s no way of telling if there are precisely 6,000,000,000 bills here, but they’re Zimbabwean dollars. No matter how many of them you have, you’ll never be able to use them because they have less monetary value than pocket lint. link046550070000
Log in to see images!Phone Book of Cthulu The Call of Cthulhu always comes when your in the shower or the crapper and he never leaves a message. This book lists Cthulhu’s 666 digit phone number as well as the other Great Old Ones. Never miss a call from the True Gods again. link540000813500

List of Usable Gifts

Icon Name Description Use Image Base Cost Max Selling Price
Log in to see images!My Dinner with Randy: An e-Biography A digitally signed e-book by the popular blogger/privacy advocate Doctor O. It’s a painstakingly thorough biography of Randy Constan, a cosplayer and Peter Pan impersonator who became an internet meme thanks to his bizarrely androgynous fashion photos.

We literally can’t give this stuff away, folks.
Booklink000001000000

List of Gift Items (old)

Image Name Description Clbum Flezz value (Frugality 1) Flezz Value (Frugality 10)
Log in to see images! Chinese Takeaway These crispy noodles are six months old, but you’d never know it due to the extremely high amount of MSG; not only is it a great preservative, but it’s also a powerful deliciousizer. ? 1 1
Log in to see images! Marble Lost your marbles? Here’s one.

Also works as a poor man’s anal bead.
? 1 1
Log in to see images! Dishwashing Brush Hey, when it comes time to start scrubbing ‘tween yo momma’s fleshy flab-folds, this wiry brush will really get those bedsores, um…somewhat less festering? ? 1 1
Log in to see images! Toy Eyeball Absolutely ****ing useless. ? 2 2
Log in to see images! Moldy Growth This isn’t the good mold, like penicillin. This is the kind with spores that cause respiratory diseases. It does taste delicious if crumbled over a salad, however. ? 2 3
Log in to see images! Ironic Egg Timer There’s something inherently disturbing about a chicken going out of its way to remind you that its unborn fetus is about to become breakfast.

Will there be a pleasant chime when your baby dies?
? 2 3
Log in to see images! Retro Calendar The flipping mechanism on this calendar is broken, but don’t let that stop you from placing it prominently in your living area.

Hey…at least it’s right once a month.
? 3 3
Log in to see images! Vinyl Record This novelty record from the early ‘60s is by an obscure singer by the name of “Tubbs Parcheesi” who began a dance craze called “The Sitdown.” The song finally cracked the Billboard 1000 after he choked to death on a peanut bumer ‘n kielbasa sandwich. ? 3 4
Log in to see images! Tomato Soup Can The educational system in California has really gone downhill in the last few years…. ? 4 5
Log in to see images! Birdhouse Attract soothing songbirds and, occasionally, a homeless man’s smegma. ? 4 5
Log in to see images! Raffle Ticket Each ticket you purchase gives you a chance to win the Christmas raffle. ? 1 1
Log in to see images! Rusty Old Kettle This is a magical pixie kettle. If you rub it just right, absolutely nothing will happen, because magic doesn’t exist, you superstitious male reproductive organhead. ? 5 7
Log in to see images! Pirate Flag There’s no subtler way to sneak up on an unsuspecting sea vessel than to hoist this menacing skull-and-crossbones on your ship’s jigger-mast. Yaargh. ? 6 7
Log in to see images! Approxim-o™ Knife This unpopular cousin of the famous utility knife makes a great toy for children and pets. ? 6 8
Log in to see images! Used Asthma Inhaler A homeless person once used this as a crack pipe, so not only will you catch your breath, but you’ll also catch a wicked buzz!

Note: Do not touch to mouth.
? 7 9
Log in to see images! Remote Control This remote control is held together with scotch tape, elastic bands and sheer desperation. ? 8 10
Log in to see images! Rubber Chicken This has a panoply of uses, including: beating cripples over the head; luring children to your house or shanty; and, of course, masturbating. ? 8 11
Log in to see images! Dried-Out Cheese This wedge of cheese is just big enough to fit into the average American hamburger. Bon appetit, fatso! ? 9 11
Log in to see images! “Magic” Mushroom This mushroom is not actually “magic.” It simply contains a small amount of poison that causes you to hallucinate…right before you die.

Caution: May contain a family of Smurfs.
? 10 13
Log in to see images! Box of Internal Mystery * What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!?!? ? 10 13
Log in to see images! Abandoned Tire Someone’s horrendous accident is now your windfall! Enjoy, you heartless monster! ? 11 14
Log in to see images!A full spamming suite that includes email crawling, a fake “remove me” option and a database of 5,000 different ways to spell Viagrow. ? 12 16
Log in to see images!Yes, we realize that African-Americans sometimes call each other “dawg,” but that doesn’t count. ? 12
Log in to see images! Expired Ground Pork Although this may look like maggots, this is actually ground pork.

The maggots are underneath.
? 12 16
Log in to see images! Human Skull This decomposed human head doesn’t do anything for you, but there’s probably some Wiccan out there who would like to stick a candle in its eye sockets, then leave it on their desk as a reminder of how badbum they really are. ? 15 19
Log in to see images! Mix Tape of Novelty Songs, Awful Covers and ‘80s TV Theme Songs Pop this antiquated mixtape into your cbumette player when you really need to rock out with your male reproductive organ out. Sixteen hatingly selected tunes that’s sure to bring out anyone’s inner douchebag. Troll 17-18
Log in to see images! Anvil With this anvil, you have the potential to become the best “Black Smith” since The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Yo homes, smell ya later!
? 20 26
Log in to see images! Fish Head Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads.

Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, man them ****s is delicious. Aw yee.
? 25 33
Log in to see images! IP Privately™* Can’t IP in public? Use this masking program to mask your identity when surfing.

Now you can launch all the hack attacks you want and download the most inappropriate porn your hard drive can handle, and the feds will be none the wiser!
Hacker(?) 35
Log in to see images! Genuine Asimov™ OS IX OS IX is the latest release of the Asimov Operating System™ for Asimov™ Super Computers. New features in OS IX include:

Support for Keyboards and Mice:* You may now use the latest in computer inputting technology to communicate with Asimov OS.

Deleting of files:* Tired of buying new hard drives every time your old one filled up with junk? Throw those worries away with our new and novel file deleting commands!

Digital Rights Management:* Sleep well at night knowing that the copy of the software you purchased is actually owned by you, and that the profits of the Asimov Corporation™ are safe!

Very rarely causes your computer to burst into flames*
? 42 55
Log in to see images! Children’s Playhouse Kit This fun playhouse has been pre-bumembled for your convenience. Just add chains, padlocks and a hornet’s nest! ? 51 65
Log in to see images! Empty Gas Pump For fun, turn this into a homemade colonic irrigation system. Just fill it with lukewarm coffee and you can become the next Tubgirl! ? 77 99
Log in to see images! McBuggy Anti-Anti Virus™ Is anti-virus software getting in your way constantly? Do you hate feeling protected and safe? If so, McBuggy Anti-Anti Virus™ is the software for you!

Simply install this software, and like magic your anti-virus software will go away. Say goodbye to a life free of infection!

Say hello to McBuggy.
? 155 199
Log in to see images! Bicycle They say that bicycles are the most efficient form of transportation. We say, ever try to **** a chick on the backseat of a bicycle? That’s what we thought, fabulous persongitron. ? 258 332
Log in to see images! Buy This Book: The Complete Guide to Buying this Book Alternate title: “How to Con Someone Out of a Thousand Dollars.” ? 505-530
Log in to see images! Motherboard Your motherboard? I’d **** her. ? 776 997
Log in to see images! Deed to Indian Burial Ground This is an old deed for a parcel of land currently inhabited by the ghosts of 1,000 dead Crow Indians. Perfect for setting up your mini-golf course or dream (nightmare?) home. ? 1,552 1,995
Log in to see images! Electric Transportation Device This marvel of human engineering uses six gyroscopic sensors to make you look like the biggest douchebag on the police force stuck on the “convention center beat.” Easily chase down crooks (as long as they stay away from stairs). ? 2,328 2,992
Log in to see images! Sexual Relations With That Woman It’s the closest thing you’ll ever come to ****ing Bill Clinton…even if your name happens to be Hillary Clinton! She’ll let you stick a cigar in her twat, and will even perform analingus on you while calling you “Mither Prethiden.” ? 2,755 3,541
Log in to see images! Constitution of India We know this sounds racist, but this literally does include the right to smell a helluva lot like curry at all times. Don’t believe us? Check out its Wikipedia history: revision as of 12:52, 14 October 2007. ? 3,027 3,890
Log in to see images! Jew’s Harp This ancient mouth instrument produces a highly unusual twanging sound, and has no actual relationship with the Jewish people other than the fact it is highly overpriced and will only marry other Jew’s Harps. See JHarpDate.com. ? 3,104 3,990
Log in to see images! Pipe Organ It’s the only musical instrument whose name consists of two euphemisms for the male reproductive organ, and that alone makes it valuable. Also useful for seducing nuns and choirboys. ? 3,881 4,987
Log in to see images! Pocket Watch Why wear a watch on your wrist like a normal person, when you could be pompous and carry it around on a chain in your vest pocket? As for its handy chain, if you ever get it stuck up your bum—and let’s face it, who hasn’t—you can just yank it back out like a rusty, ****-covered tampon. Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’. ? 4,357 5,599
Log in to see images! Justin Timberlake's Mobile Phone Even though he sings like a homo, this guy actually gets more celebrity tail than Ol’ Blue Eyes did, back before he needed ol’ blue pills. Hell, he even ****ed Britney Spears back when she was hot and was smart enough to run out before she went all fat, bald and floppy-snatch’d.

You can call up pretty much any young starlet and when they see the caller ID, they’ll be flying out to **** you before you can say “great times Me a River.”
? 4,554 5,852
Log in to see images! Mary Magdalene This is a nude depiction of Mary Magdalene, the only woman fortunate enough to have had anointed Jesus’ flesh-flute with that sweet little mouth of hers. She claimed his semen tasted “pretty normal,” but then again she was a huge whore, wasn’t she? Historians are uncertain as to whether she also juggled his Easter eggs while she penetrated his holy ****hole with her leprous pinkie. I'd so hit that. ? 5,175 6,650
Log in to see images! Middle School Art Project This misshapen abomination from the bowels of art clbum is proof that not all children are special. ? 5,433 6,982
Log in to see images! Seasonal Centerpiece This is a slightly used centerpiece celebrating the autumn harvest. It reminds you of all the artsy crap your Aunt Charlotte used to make after she found out your Uncle male reproductive organ was leaving her for the poolboy. She had so much love to give… ? 5,847 7,514
Log in to see images! Preorder Receipt for Duke Nukem Forever This proves you paid a $10 deposit for a copy of Duke Nukem Forever on August 10, 2001. Keep holding onto the dream. ? 8,674 11,147
Log in to see images! Pearl Necklace Necklace Made from globules of human semen, this is meant to increase a Camwhore’s Sexiness when equipped. Unfortunately, its powers dried up in after about three minutes. It’s a pheromone thing. ? 11,501 14,779
Log in to see images! Ex-Parrot Someone has nailed this parrot to the perch to prevent him from pushing up the daisies. He’s expired and gone to meet his maker. His lifeless eyes seem to be following your every move. He’s a reference to Monty Python. ? 16,262 20,897
Log in to see images! Actual Garbage This wastebasket is full of the vile refuse of a typical internet nerd. In other words, semen. Perfect for cloning, identity theft, or just harvesting biombum for all your biological warfare needs. ? 16,301 20,947
Log in to see images! Autographed Jimmy Carter Photo It’s signed “For all the [something] at [something] [something] — Jimmy.” You’re not sure which is sadder: that such a great man has such lousy handwriting, or that if you post this on the internet, someone will bumuredly masturbate to it. ? 16,560 21,280
Log in to see images! ****in' Pimp Hat Regardless of how awesome this hat is, no, you will NEVER be a pimp, and yes, you’re still ugly.
Sweet hat, though.
? 16,818 21,612
Log in to see images! Tome of Blasphemous Horrors This book is said to contain secrets that man should never know — tales of eldritch terrors beyond comprehension and non-Euclidean geometry. Merely touching it is supposed to drive a man insane.

Kind of unimpressive compared to goatse, though.
? 17,155 22,044
Log in to see images! Hyperdimensional Resinator bumistors Sure, these may look like ordinary quartz crystals to some, but time-traveling dimension-hoppers can see these crystals for what they truly are: the last and most important part of a hyperdimensional resonator. With these, you can finally prove all those naysayers wrong! Laugh all the way back to the future! THE FUTURE! ? 17970 23092
Log in to see images! Stack Of Burnt DVD's “Yarr, mp3s off the port bow! Stand by ta board yeoldepiratebay.org fer sum lootin’ an’ plunderin’!”

More stolen data than you can shake a hard drive at, this’ll keep you entertained for YEARS. Now, which disc has the granny porn, asks I?
? 18,033 23,173
Log in to see images! His and Her Masks Robbing banks (with the help of a loved one) nets a lot more Flezz than pawning off weird-lookin’ plastic masks at the Ppwn Shoppe. Just sayin’. ? 18,824 24,189
Log in to see images! Superi-Os™ Every box of Boast™ brand Superi-Os™ is composed of 90% vanilla pieces and only 10% “chocolate,” ensuring that those ugly, disgusting brown pieces are segregated to their proper place in your bowl. Boast™: economic food products for the white supremacist power structure. ? 18,862 24,239
Log in to see images! Disgusting Clump of Hair Wet, smelly, and stuck together with mold. At least, you think it’s mold…oh dear god. ? 25,286
Log in to see images! Wooden Figurine Man, I’d sacrifice a few ribs to be able to do that too. ? 19,923 25,602
Log in to see images! Sand Castle bumembly Kit This seems to be a kit comprising everything you need to build a sand castle: a rough sketch of what it should look like, a tiny plastic shovel, a tiny plastic bucket, and about four hundred pounds of sand. Here’s hoping the box doesn’t leak. ? 20,493 26,334
Log in to see images! ASCII Porn These discs contain a collection of the hottest ASCII porn known to nerdkind! Fapping was never better than in the innocent ‘80s. Now all you need is a floppy drive and a green monochrome monitor. ? 26,433
Log in to see images! Old Porn Magazines Secondhand porn! As long as you ignore the stains and stuck-together pages, it’s practically as good as new.

The fact that most of the women in these mags are now old enough to be your mother is something you’d rather not think about. Hey, wait a minute…that is your mother!
26,433
Log in to see images! Used Credit Cards While these cards are almost certainly canceled or overdrawn, you can still use them to pick locks, just like in the movies — if you ever did anything as exciting as lock-picking, that is. If you’re lucky, they may still have trace amounts of cocaine! ? 26,600
Log in to see images! Great-Grandpa's Phone You remember the days before cell phones, when landlines and AT&T ruled the universe? No? Well, that’s okay, my great-grandpa doesn’t remember either. That’s how I got this phone. My gift to you. ? 20,700 26,600
Log in to see images! 90's Senior Picture Although not quite as clbumy as Glamor Shotz™, these ‘90s senior pictures are radical!

Get yours holding an electric guitar with a stylish mullet, in your favorite pair of Zubaz pants! Not your style? Then how about putting up a peace sign while wearing your I Zack Morris T-shirt and leggings?

Say “cheesy”!
? 21,385 27,481
Log in to see images! Slightly Used Hypodermic Needle Like a lottery or a box of chocolates, you never know what you’ll get. Could it be heroin? AIDS? Or Nazi gold?

Let’s face it, probably heroin and AIDS.
28,528
Log in to see images! male reproductive organ Mug Do you like drinking hot coffee? How about sucking male reproductive organ? Now you can enjoy both at the same time with this male reproductive organ-shaped mug! Sucking male reproductive organ has never been more stimulating! (Okay, it was more stimulating once, but that’s it.) ? 22,287 28,628
Log in to see images! Wolf Shirt It’s a shirt with a wolf on it. Your diabetic, 1/16th Navajo neighbor wears one each day of the week. Still ****ing epic, though. I mean, look at it. ? 28,628
Log in to see images! Satanic Fish Here is wisdom. Let he that hath understanding count the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man; and his number is six hundred threescore and six.
— Rev 13:18
? 29,625
Log in to see images! Ten Miles of Orange Yarn Great Halloween decoration! Loads of fun for unsupervised babies and toddlers! ? 23,132 29,725
Log in to see images! Wad of Adhesive Putty No, it’s not Smurf semen. It is, however, a useful tool for affixing your pornography to that inflatable doll you bought from Scamazon.

You kinda wish it was Smurf semen though.
30,756
Haunted Doll ? 30,772
Log in to see images! Leaked Children's Novel This is a leaked advance copy of the latest book in the popular “Wizard Boy” series. The writing might be overrated, but the sweet tears of children and immature, sexless adults when you spoil the book for them sure won’t be! ? 30,822
Log in to see images! Roll of Toilet Paper Whether it’s used for wiping your bum, clogging up a drain or TPing someone’s house, toilet paper is just plain awesome. And when you’re done using the paper you can pretend you have a cardboard spyglbum!

This particular roll consists of the nice soft kind of ****paper — not the gray, recycled, scrape-your-bum-lining stuff.
? 30,922
Log in to see images! Mutilated Toy Koala This loyal companion has endured vomit, bludgeoning, mud, sand, washing machines, rabid pets, falling, biting, hugs, tears and consistent sexual abuse. And yet he STILL loves everyone who ever owned him…until he fell into your hands, that is! 46,350 30,822
Log in to see images! Gilded Walnut This gilded walnut is a relic of last year’s (rather gaudy) Christmas decorations.
You feel an inexplicable urge to talk to the walnut. “S’up, nut?”
? 30,922
Log in to see images! Suntan Lotion It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the sunburn again! ? 24,193 31,088
Log in to see images! Discount Furry Mask Want to yiff in hell, but don’t want to sell your soul to the Devil in exchange for a decent fursuit? This discount mask will get you on the road to anonymous sex with sweaty men in funny animal costumes faster than you can say “paw off.” ? 31,255
Log in to see images! #1 Dad Mug This mug clearly indicates that the owner is, in fact, the “number one” Dad.
While its shape is perfect for holding liquids of all kinds, the primary function is to notify nearby fathers that they are in the presence of fathering greatness.
? 24,581 31,587
Log in to see images! Experimental Jet Helicopter Someone must have acgreat timesulated a ****load of Pepsi Points to get this.

Unfortunately, as amazing as this thing would be to fly, with gasoline prices being what they are you’d have to be a millionaire just to take it out for a day trip. And Pepsi Points don’t buy gas.
? 24,801 31,870
Log in to see images! Cosplaying Gloves Left behind at DragonCon ‘07, these gloves carry with them a legacy of whispered legends and flights of fancy. Some say that actual Mark Hamill himself wore these the day before he went on the set of Star Wars for the first time, while others say that they were created late one night by Darren Aronofsky.

Realistically? Some 300-pound guy made these for the Ye Olde Renaissance Faire and came inside them. Five times.
? 24,839 31,920
Log in to see images! Toenail Clippings In WWII, kamikaze pilots would sometimes put a collection of toenail clippings in a box to be buried in the likely event that they didn’t return. These aren’t from a Japanese pilot; they’re just the disgusting toenail clippings from some random filthy miscreant. But it makes for an interesting story, doesn’t it? ? 25,357 32,585
Log in to see images! Grandma’s Cat Purse She sent it to you for Christmas, and didn’t even leave a forgotten penny floating around in there. She did pre-coat it with cat fur, though. Just hold on to it until next Christmas and re-gift it back to her. There’s no way she’ll remember. ? 32,967
Log in to see images! Plush Toy Unicorn Legend says the unicorn was a mythical beast who loved hanging around virgins, making this adorable plush toy the perfect gift for 90 percent of the internet. 33,017
Log in to see images! Courtney Love's Used Underwear A pair of undergarments that once belonged to “America’s Sweetheart,” Courtney Love.

You won these panties in an online auction because they’ve touched “Celebrity Skin” (and Hole), but “All the Drugs” are probably why these things are so “Awful” and “Uncool.”

Concerning this underwear, your best bet is to “Use Once and Destroy,” as they technically count as a medical biohazard.
? 33,250
Log in to see images! The Pleasure Bag™ When ****ing with the lights off is out of the question, reach for your trusty Pleasure Bag™!

Can also be used to crudely conceal the identity of local rapists, i.e., you.
? 33,250
Log in to see images! Molestache Comb No one likes hair where it shouldn’t be; especially you, Mr. Molestache wearer! Keep your facial hair under control with this new molestache comb.
Roam neighborhood parks without fear of your ‘stache looking all unkempt. Those pesky parents won’t suspect a thing with your well-groomed molestache!
? 26,392 33,915
Log in to see images! Deluxe Makeup Kit This makeup kit is pretty complete. It has everything you need in order to smear yourself with pigments as you stare mournfully into the mirror, thinking about how daddy never thought you were pretty enough. But you’ll show him, won’t you. Won’t you… ? 26,547 33,915
Log in to see images! Child's Drawing Swiped from a children’s sick ward, it’d be wise to hold onto this one for a while. Everyone knows the value of art SKYROCKETS after the artist croaks. ? 34,014
Log in to see images! Branding Iron Oh, burn! Few items out there that can produce this much pain while making you look so damn trendy! Public humiliation is so hot right now. ? 27,382 35,245
Log in to see images! Important-Looking NASA Components This stuff turned up in the NASA trash bin a few days after the Challenger took off and subsequently exploded.
Probably just a coincidence.
? 28,255 36,309
Log in to see images! Toy Castle "Camelot!"
"Camelot!"
"Camelot!"
"It's only a model."
"Shh!"
? 36,575
Log in to see images! The Color Orange This is the actual color orange, not the fruit. So don’t confuse the two of them. Orange. It’s not as nice a color as red or purple, but there are worse colors out there. Orange is noticeable and…um…did I mention noticeable yet? ? 28,462 36,575
Log in to see images! Lump of Used Copper Wire Copper wire is a staple of DIY projects, such gauss guns or home abortion kits. ? 29,031 37,240
Log in to see images! Weeping Blue Orchid A beautiful little flower, characterized by botanists as the saddest flower on earth.
Typically found in dying woodlands after being carried away from its mother plant by the unfeeling winds, it blooms only in the wintertime, growing cold and alone on the sides of hollow tree trunks, naked to the harsh elements that surround it.
Go ahead and pick it out of its misery. Maybe even give it to your sweetie-pie for the prom. Because your lover’s chest will be the only ‘tang it’ll be getting in its sorry lifetime.
? 29,070 37,240
Log in to see images! Laundry Cat This cat has been specially trained to fold your laundry. Too bad all it really does is sleep throughout the whole day and shed all over your clean clothes. But this is probably the only woman's genitals you’ll ever get, so you might as well take it. ? 29,186 37,240
Log in to see images! Easter Eggs OMG EASTER EGGS! ? 29,963 38,403
Log in to see images! Moist Sock This sock is moist. Have fun with it. I sure did. ? 29,924 38,453
Log in to see images! The Italian A false mustache, made of only the finest pubic hair.
Rumored to have been invented by Gianni Versace whilst blowing heterosexual fashion designer Calvin Klein, “The Italian” became an overnight success shortly after his death.
Enjoying most of its popularity in Italy, this fashion accessory has been masterfully crafted from the pubes of the most beautiful models and porn stars. Comes in many shades of black, red, and blond; ask a store employee for help on matching it with “the carpet.”
? 29,885 38,570
Log in to see images! Improvised Fleshlight I know what you’re thinking, but take it easy on the guy who made this. Remember when you were 15 and nobody would buy porn for you? Remember when you were 16 and you started shoving anything you could find up your bum? Remember that time you put a melon in your microwave and tried to **** it? That was only last week, so probably.
That being said, this thing is pretty pathetic. Putting your male reproductive organ into this is about as safe as putting into in a running blender. But I guess if it happens to be a Friday, and you just happen to not have a date…
? 30,532 39,235
Log in to see images! Brolex Watch Feel like ballin’, but ain’t got ‘nuff ice on yo’ wrist? Have no fear, playa. The Brolex is so icy cold, foolz gotta wear a coat!
Yo’ homiez will be puttin’ on them SHADES when they see how shiny this bling be.
DISCLAIMA: The Brolex may cause envy among er’y nug on tha block, so best carry a piece. Fool.
? 30,817 39,600
Log in to see images! Venus de Milo Considering that this famous statue represents the goddess of love and beauty, she’s actually not as hot as you’d expect! Her mammary glands are small, her hair is too short, she’s got a face that says PMS, her arms are missing and her legs seem kinda fat underneath that sheet she wears.

Perhaps the French adore her because she has no armpit hair. One thing is for sure: they’re pretty ****ed off that their “beautiful” statue is no longer in the Louvre.
? 31,049 39,900
Log in to see images! Six Trillion Zimbabwean Dollars Okay, there’s no way of telling if there are precisely 6,000,000,000 bills here, but they’re Zimbabwean dollars. No matter how many of them you have, you’ll never be able to use them because they have less monetary value than pocket lint. 46,550
Log in to see images! Mixed CD from an Ex A mixed CD made by someone’s ex. This is only good for microwave light shows; all exes have terrible taste in music. That’s part of the reason they’re exes. ? ~24,500
Log in to see images! Yellowed Pirate Shirt This yellowed shirt has some of the fanciest sleeves you’ve ever set your one good eye on. Perfect if you ever want to masquerade as a gay pirate! (And you do. You really do.) ? ~26,000
Log in to see images! Buddha Statue Buddha proves that you don’t have to be all skinny and tortured in order to be worshiped. You can be fat and happy, and still have plenty of followers!
This bronze Buddha statue is sure to bring serenity to any home, and it’s the perfect way of showing just how open-minded and enlightened you are…unless it’s one of those Buddha statues with a swastika on it.
? 31,776
Log in to see images! Dismantled Video Game These are the sad remains of what can only be a failed attempt to hack a clbumic video game for a top score. ? 34,576
Log in to see images! AOL CD Mosaic This second-place award-winning mosaic of one giant AOL CD, comprised of 30,000 individual AOL CDs, will take your breath away.
This-one-of-a-kind item is priceless. Literally. The CDs were free.
? ~22,000
Log in to see images! Falcon Preservation Donor Receipt This receipt proves that someone was willing to blow a whole wad of cash over some falcons. Special Items About 53,000
Log in to see images! Expired Nerve Gas This single canister used to be enough to kill a small city, but now all it can do is get you seriously high and put the country on its maximum state of alert.
Log in to see images! Phone Book of Cthulu The Call of Cthulhu always comes when your in the shower or the crapper and he never leaves a message. This book lists Cthulhu’s 666 digit phone number as well as the other Great Old Ones. Never miss a call from the True Gods again. 540 K
Log in to see images! Holographic 1st Edition Base Set Charizard Card Remember when you used play card games with your buddies and you opened that one booster pack? Then Billy broke your nose and took your precious shiny card. He sold it. You have it back. And you’re going to sell it. You soulless ****wad.
Log in to see images! 1992 Toyota Camry Remember how exited you were when you turned 16 and your parents gave you this exact car?

Well, now its a useless piece of ****. You should have sold it years ago, but you still kept it as a reminder of your sad, pathetic teenage years. You loser.
Log in to see images! Battlethreadz Orange A bunch of useless upgrades to the internet parody game Battlethreadz created with the sole intent of stealing money from idiots.
Log in to see images! A piece of the Mir Space Station Unbelievably, that decrepit Commie space station didn’t completely disintegrate when it re-entered the atmosphere: a few pieces survived, like this melted blob. To space geeks, it’s a historical artifact. To you, it’s a lot of instant Flezz.
Log in to see images! Helen Keller's Ultimate Guide to Seeing Are you blind? lazy? just plain stupid? If you fit one of these three categories, then this blind harlot’s step-by-step Aesthetics guide is for you.

Only one problem, you cannot see to read this book if you need it, rendering it absolutely useless.
Log in to see images! The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien This legendary late night show only lasted seven months, despite the involvement of America’s favorite 6’4” red-head.

NBC got rid of him after they discovered that the 60+ demographic who watches Jay Leno was much more valuable.
Log in to see images! Dehydrated Water Finally, the solution to all of Africa’s thirst problems! Dehydrated Water, just add water and BAM! INSTANT WATER!

Now you too can sell this dehydrated water to Nigerian Princes for those millions of Flezz they keep offering to you via tubmail.
Log in to see images! Abandoned World of Whorecraft Account Despairingly parted from its original owner after his mom didn’t want to pay the subscription fees anymore. The account is now yours, in all its ‘Level 60 Dark Elf Monk’ majesty.

..Eh, better sell it to some nerds before it starts demanding payment.
Log in to see images! Complex Web Spider Unlike the simple web spider we all know and love, this updated model spends its time whining about how no one understands it, and no one cares about it’s true purpose, and not doing the damn thing it’s supposed to.
Log in to see images! Poseidon's Trident Controlling the sea has never been easier. Poseidon’s Trident gives you all the power of the sea and super-human strength to boot. You might want to keep this item for pranks on your friends.

Oh wait, you aren’t a demigod? Guess this is just junk.
Log in to see images! 1 Acre of Land on the Moon Someday they’re going to colonize the moon and when they do, you want to be in the ground floor. With your own property on the moon you will have the perfect vacation spot or can rent it out for a profit!
Log in to see images! Africa Wouldn’t you like to be your very own warlord? Well now you can by purchasing all of Africa! Recruit child soldiers, contract HIV, commit genocide and cut off the limbs of your enemies and the ones that bring you disappointment!
Log in to see images! Majority Stock in SEGA Ever since 1995, SEGA’s had a hard time accomplishing anything. Probably because they let Sonic Team do stupid things with their hedgehog. Or perhaps because Pretendo beat their bumes bad in the Console Wars. Either way, stock is worth a little.
Log in to see images! American Health Insurance Policy This dogreat timesent is so complex and detailed that nobody actually knows what you are covered for. But don’t worry, even though it’s illegal for them to NOT try and screw you over the Free Market will protect you.

Or are you a filthy Commie?
Log in to see images! Mysteriously Glowing Briefcase The interior of the case glows with an unearthly golden light. What IS in that thing, anyway? The soul of a mob boss? Heaps of gold? No one really knows…but for some reason, everyone wants it. And now you’re going to sell it. Go capitalism!
Log in to see images! US Congressman Buy a Congressman! It’s not illegal – in fact, according to the Supreme Court, it’s actually an expression of your first amendment rights.

Special Offer – For a limited time only, buy a Senator and get an extra Representative FREE!
Log in to see images! Stack of Old College Textbooks You bought these on the first day of the semester from the bookstore and then never opened them. Even though they’re useless to you now, you just can’t seem to part with them. At least they make a good doorstop.
Log in to see images! Genuine E.T. Atari 2600 Cartridge E.T. for the Atari 2600 is said to be possibly the worst video game ever made, so god awful and unplayable, it makes Battlethreadz look like Super Mario Bros.

So you have essentially a piece of ****.

A super rare, super collectible piece of ****.

Notes

  • Box of Internal Mystery, Spamminator 2000™ v2.0, Dog Spray, Genuine Asimov™ OS IX and IP Privately™ have been spotted at the Ppwn Shoppe, and bought / resold for their prices.

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