So…

Life without ForumWarz…

What can I say?

It’s boring.

But, not being one to take it sitting down, I decided to hack the personal computer files of a dear friend of ours in British Colombia, Canada.

A dear friend that is typically inebriated — even on Tuesday.

It seems that with Tubsweetie planning on retiring from ForumWarz… he’s planning on making a career-move that all of us have considered at one time or another:

Tubsweetie is planning on becoming a romantic advice columnist.

Now, without further adieu, from the hard-disk of Tubsweetie, in the file adjacent the directory marked “illegal animal porn”, I bring to you…

****THE TUBSWEETIE GUIDE TO PICKING UP A HOT BABE****

Hello folks. It’s me. Your old friend, Tubsweetie. If you’re reading this, your success in romance is somewhere between ‘hopeless’ and ‘suicidal’.

That’s why I’m here.

To increase your success to something in between ‘pathetic’ and ‘laughable’.

For the remainder of this exercise… please imagine… that you’re me.

(read: start drinking NOW.)

It’s Tuesday. I’m already ****faced. I wake-up half dazed with my face in a pile at the bar’s countertop. Log in to see images!

Not being one to know when to quit, I order myself my 7th Martini. After all… after this, I’m just heading home to enjoy what fleeting pleasures I can from a bottle of hand lotion and: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9j277kzgaA

All of a sudden… I hear a sound. I look to my left

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and see…

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the most…

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beautiful…

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woman …

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I’ve ever seen. What the… CRAP!

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SHE’S LOOKING STRAIGHT AT ME!

Alright…! No time to panic!

Just got to put the THE TUBSWEETIE GUIDE TO PICKING UP A HOT BABE to good use!

STEP1 — START A CONVERSATION

There is only one opening line that is worth remembering. I sometimes keep it written on my hand. It’s worked for hundreds of years. It’s cliched, and dusty, and stupid, and highly effective. I just say: “Hi, haven’t I seen you at the…

• Jaguar dealership?

• gym? (Ha, ha, ha. No. It has to be a little realistic. If I tried this one, she’ll just think that I clean the toilets at the gym.)

• hospital where I’m Chief of Special Surgery?

The “where” part varies and changes based on my intended victim, uh, potential companion. I just remind myself not to say “strip club” or “porn shop” or “family reunion.”

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If she smiles at me like this, I try to remain calm and proceed to Step 2.

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If I see this, I remember that women drink with a straw for only one reason. They know it drives men crazy. Think about it. Have you ever used a straw to drink booze. You have? Then GTFO. If she puts her straw to her lips, I proceed to Step 2.

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Tough call. Is she indicating that my amusing opening has turned her on so much that she wants to forgo any additional conversation or foreplay and get right to it? Or is she telling me to **** off. She’s so hot I ignore the obvious conclusion and go with optimism. On to Step 2!