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TUBSWEETIE GUIDE TO PICKING UP A HOT BABE
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So… Life without ForumWarz… What can I say? It’s boring.
But, not being one to take it sitting down, I decided to hack the personal computer files of a dear friend of ours in British Colombia, Canada. A dear friend that is typically inebriated — even on Tuesday.
It seems that with Tubsweetie planning on retiring from ForumWarz… he’s planning on making a career-move that all of us have considered at one time or another: Tubsweetie is planning on becoming a romantic advice columnist.
Now, without further adieu, from the hard-disk of Tubsweetie, in the file adjacent the directory marked “illegal animal porn”, I bring to you…
****THE TUBSWEETIE GUIDE TO PICKING UP A HOT BABE****
Hello folks. It’s me. Your old friend, Tubsweetie. If you’re reading this, your success in romance is somewhere between ‘hopeless’ and ‘suicidal’.
That’s why I’m here.
To increase your success to something in between ‘pathetic’ and ‘laughable’.
For the remainder of this exercise… please imagine… that you’re me.
(read: start drinking NOW.)
It’s Tuesday. I’m already ****faced. I wake-up half dazed with my face in a pile at the bar’s countertop. Log in to see images!
Not being one to know when to quit, I order myself my 7th Martini. After all… after this, I’m just heading home to enjoy what fleeting pleasures I can from a bottle of hand lotion and: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9j277kzgaA
All of a sudden… I hear a sound. I look to my left
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and see…
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the most…
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beautiful…
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woman …
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I’ve ever seen. What the… CRAP!
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SHE’S LOOKING STRAIGHT AT ME! Alright…! No time to panic! Just got to put the THE TUBSWEETIE GUIDE TO PICKING UP A HOT BABE to good use!
STEP1 — START A CONVERSATION There is only one opening line that is worth remembering. I sometimes keep it written on my hand. It’s worked for hundreds of years. It’s cliched, and dusty, and stupid, and highly effective. I just say: “Hi, haven’t I seen you at the… • Jaguar dealership? • gym? (Ha, ha, ha. No. It has to be a little realistic. If I tried this one, she’ll just think that I clean the toilets at the gym.) • hospital where I’m Chief of Special Surgery?
The “where” part varies and changes based on my intended victim, uh, potential companion. I just remind myself not to say “strip club” or “porn shop” or “family reunion.”
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If she smiles at me like this, I try to remain calm and proceed to Step 2.
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If I see this, I remember that women drink with a straw for only one reason. They know it drives men crazy. Think about it. Have you ever used a straw to drink booze. You have? Then GTFO. If she puts her straw to her lips, I proceed to Step 2.
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Tough call. Is she indicating that my amusing opening has turned her on so much that she wants to forgo any additional conversation or foreplay and get right to it? Or is she telling me to **** off. She’s so hot I ignore the obvious conclusion and go with optimism. On to Step 2! MercWithMouth edited this message on 11/10/2009 11:13PM |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:11PM |
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STEP2 — MOVE IN FOR THE KILL
I slide on over and ask her if she needs another drink. Cliched, but the drunker she is, the more likely it is she’ll overlook my painful short-comings and getting this babe unconscious is a worthwhile goal. I start talking and don’t stop for at least 3 minutes. I observe her reaction.
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She’s still smiling! I think she really likes me! Or maybe her hit of Ecstasy just kicked in. Either way, I proceed with haste to Step 3.
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Hmmm, I’m either boring her senseless (not necessarily a bad thing — senseless is just a few inches from unconscious) or she’s trying to figure out if she can fit me in, between Canadian Idol and CANADA HOCKEY NIGHT. I proceed to Step 3.
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If she reacts like this, I won’t give up hope. It could be a little indigestion, or perhaps the return of an unpleasant memory, or I could be the biggest loser that has ever bought her a drink. I’m a betting man that always loses so let’s go with indigestion. I proceed to Step 3.
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No matter how much vodka and cranberry she may have spilled on her hand, this is a sure sign she’s starting to likes me! bumuming my jockeys aren’t soiled (well, they probably are, but still…Log in to see images!, I proceed to Step 3.
STEP3 — POP THE QUESTION No, I’m not going to ask her to marry me— although this woman is pretty damn fine, I’m already trying to figure out how many carats I can get with 3 month’s salary. I ask her the question, you know, nudge, nudge, say no more. I ask her if she wants to…
• join me in reciting, “OH!!!!! Canada!” • make the beast with two backs, one really hairy like a Canadian moose, the other just fine like a shaved Canadian beaver • be ridden hard and put away in a wet maple syrup puddle • get busy (in a vain attempt to seem “hip” you may also offer her some “bling-bling”Log in to see images! • bump uglies until dawn (she’ll figure I’m the ugly one and understand the bumping part) • Or I just say, “so, you’re from Canada, eh?”
Whether or not I really use any of these lines depends on how drunk I really am. Hopefully, instead I’ll just approach it all simple like and ask her if she’d like to finish her drink while watching the stars from the terrace my room.
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I hate when this happens. I’ve apparently lost all control, whipped it out and wiggled it at her. Haven’t I? Dammit, I have. I punch out like Maverick. I hang my head in shame, take another long, pathetic stare at her body, and proceed to Step 5.
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“GODDAMMIT!” I tell myself, “Tubsweetie, put it away! We’re trying to pick up a woman not ANOTHER restraining order!” I then make a mental note to call
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Three minutes of conversation and I put her to sleep. Freakin’ terrific. Sleep is not as useful as unconsciousness. I stare for awhile, and give her a sniff. I touch her arm lightly to confirm how soft her skin is and then proceed to Step 5. NOTE: this is usually the outcome MercWithMouth arrives at.
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Is she dialing 911 or canceling dinner with her fiance? Who the hell am I kidding!? When this happens… I RUN!! Never mind proceeding to Step 5, I just RUN!
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Holy crap… I, um, well… I take hold of her hand gently and walk slowly to parking lot that we might take my ‘96 Buck to proceed to Step 4!
STEP 4 — HOURS OF AMAZING PLEASURE AND GRATIFICATION Wait a minute. Did I really get to Step 4? No way. Way? Unbelieveable. Hmm. I really should take some pics. Merc would never believe me otherwise. I should also tell him that I’m gonna want an advance on that book-deal we were discussing.
STEP 5 — 2MINUTES OF NUMB PLEASURE
Sigh. I’ve been here more than a few times. I head to my car and drive home. I log onto 4chan. I start searching, ‘+camwhore +canada +self-degradation’. I dump contents of hand lotion tube into right hand. And then I dump contents of blue balls into stolen hotel handtowel. Ah well. Maybe things will go better next time.
Dedicated to Shank Ninja. |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:12PM |
Rate this Post: 2
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Alright…
So, what the hell is all this?
A few weeks ago, I drafted the “TUBSWEETIE GUIDE TO PICKING UP A HOT BABE” and posted it to the ORIGINAL WeChall at http://www.wechall.net
I dedicated it to Shank Ninja for crafting a kick-bum game avatar.
Then I got banned. Log in to see images!
Oh well. Happened to Fingerz too. Log in to see images!
I mentioned the “TUBSWEETIE GUIDE TO PICKING UP A HOT BABE” to Tubsweetie and half-joked that I’d post it to Forumwarz if I were unbanned.
He told me to do it.
I laughed and told him I was joking.
He responded that he already unbanned me, and that unless I posted the guide to FWZ asap…
he’d increase my ban time dramatically. Log in to see images!
And so… in a fit of fear and cold-sweat… and ever mindful of the Wrath of Tubsweetie… I found the old post and made it BBCode ready the better that it might be put on FWZ. Log in to see images!
And now… several hours later… (converting to BBCode is no joke… ) I present to you… the fruits of my Plea Agreement.
All hail Tubsweetie! Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:13PM |
Rate this Post: 4
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lolwhat! |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:14PM |
Rate this Post: 2
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read like 5 words it was awful not readin anymore ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~````````````````````````````````````````~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Log in to see images!
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:14PM |
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View Indiana Jonas's Profile
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Why the **** are you unbanned? Dysnomia Posted: |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:15PM |
Rate this Post: -3
View Skyman747's Profile
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lol Tubs the drunkmaster Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Buying a lot of zomg im so fat.xpeg – 500 each Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:15PM |
Rate this Post: 6
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Skyman747 Posted:
Log in to see images! Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:15PM |
Rate this Post: -5
View Master_Troll's Profile
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ITT: Mercs guide to Log in to see images! Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:17PM |
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View Inconnu's Profile
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In before Merc is permabanned for taking advantage of Tubs in his vulnerable and drunken state. GO GO GADGET RON PAUL
Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:17PM |
Rate this Post: -2
View Ricket's Profile
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Skyman747 Posted:
Dear Mods: My birthday is tomorrow and I would love to wake up and find that merc is permabanned. Dysnomia Posted: |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:18PM |
Rate this Post: -4
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This is totes inaccurate, Tubs can drink way more then seven martinis Log in to see images!
(would make better comment but **** if I’m reading that piece of ****) Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:18PM |
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Omg is Merc Log in to see images!
*Still reading…* |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:19PM |
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duca Posted:
Tubs can also write in an entertaining way. This **** is just awful, trite, and, well, awful is really the only way to put it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~````````````````````````````````````````~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Log in to see images!
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
NINJA TURTLE COMING SOON
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:19PM |
Rate this Post: -2
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valka Posted: valka Posted: valka Posted: Dysnomia Posted: |
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| Posted On: 11/10/2009 11:23PM |
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Inconnu Posted: [12:05] <Stumpy_Mike> you can be kind of a **** sometimes [15:12] <funjeh> UR A SKANK Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 11/11/2009 12:21AM |
Rate this Post: -3
View Vageena Davis's Profile
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diddnt’ readd that ws**** also rebann mercc.. also haboooort goof trehd got fowed be4 i got home. |
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| Posted On: 11/11/2009 12:44AM |
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View ChilePepino's Profile
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wtf is the point of banning someone for “douching up the environment around him” if you’re going to unban him every time he wants to make a horrible thread? |
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| Posted On: 11/11/2009 12:56AM |
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wtfmcnuggets Posted:
because tubs trolled both fwz and merc by unbanning then rebanning and its awesome Log in to see images!
Green porno!
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| Posted On: 11/11/2009 1:06AM |
Rate this Post: -4
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Fortunato Posted:
Tubs is p awesome imo Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Buying a lot of zomg im so fat.xpeg – 500 each Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 11/11/2009 2:01AM |
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