A guy tells his psychiatrist: It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me? “Well,” says the psychiatrist. “Maybe she didn’t get your telegram.”

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“No, she got it” replies the man. They both remain silent for the rest of the session, after which the psychiatrist proceeds to charge the man $60 for it.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it’s a bird of prey.

An Italian, a German, and a Pollock all work construction. They are sitting on a girder 15 stories up, when the whistle sounds for lunch. They all open their lunchboxes to find that their wives had made them the exact same lunch that they always made them, 73 days in a row.
“If I get one more Salami Sandwich” I am jumping off this girder, says the Italian.
“If I get one more Bratwurst, I am jumping off this girder”, says the German
If I get one more Pieroghi, I am jumping off this girder, said the Pollock.
They all go home to their wives, and explain they would like some variety in their lunch. The next day they get something different, and everybody lives happily ever after.

What’s worse than a dead baby?
More than one dead baby.

A klansman, a black guy, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
They have an argument because of their differing points of view.

Why did the monkey fall off the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

A priest a nun and a rabbi walk into a bar. Only – the nun and the rabbi weren’t really there, and it wasn’t really a bar, it was my eighth birthday and the priest was molesting me. Only it wasn’t a priest, it was my father. My father molested me on my eighth birthday.

So a bearded lady and midget are walking down the street. A guy seeing this asks them to do a trick, thinking that they were from the circus. The couple look offended and the midget man says “Excuse me sir, this is my wife. And we don’t do tricks.” The guy apologizes and continues on with his day, feeling horrible. He promises from now on never to judge simply based on appearances.

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says “Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!” But the cash register attendee doesn’t speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he’d need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

What’s black and white and red all over?
The question is too vague; lots of things could be colored that way.