MC Banhammer Posted:

Descartes is sitting in a bar. Bartender asks him if he’d like a drink. Descartes says “I think not” and vanishes in a puff of logic.

That reminds me of this one (not an official entry)

Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who askes: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg replies: “No, but I know exactly where I am”

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).

The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

So this neutrino walks through a bar…

Your momma’s so fat, I had to integrate her by parts.

Math puns are the first sine of madness.

If I could be any enzyme I wanted, I would be helicase, so I could unzip your jeans.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

A: Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher are taking a walk through the Scottish highlands when they come across a black sheep. The engineer blurts out “hey look, the sheep in Scotland are black!” The experimental physicist turns to him and says “some of the sheep in Scotland are black.” The theoretical physicist, looking bemused, chuckles and says “actually, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black.” The philosopher, who had been kneeling to examine a flower, looks up and says “on one side, anyway.”

Two men are having a drinking contest.

“I’ll have some H2O”. The bartender gives him a glbum and he drinks it down.

“Give me some H2O too!. The bartender serves him. He drinks it down and dies.

I’m on a roll here. In fact I’m gonna win all 6 remaining BP now that we’re allowed to have as many entries as we want.

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are all paid to observe this house. They watch it for a week and nobody enters, or leaves the complex. On the 8th day somebody walks in, and on the 9th, two people walk out.

The biologist says: “Clearly they must have reproduced.”

The physicist says: “Obviously our initial observations were incorrect.”

The mathematician says: “If one more person walks into that house, there will be nobody in it.”

An architect, an engineer, and a physicist are all hired by a farmer to help him design a fence. He tells them, “I want to enclose the largest area using the least amount of materials.” The architect draws a square. The engineer draws a circle. The physicist takes the engineer’s circle and writes “outside” on the inside.

There was a bus conductor, and he was good at his job.

He worked at it for a long time, and after several years of this, he ended up dissatisfied.

One day, he went into work, and the first person who asked him for money had 3 screaming children. They just wouldn’t shut up, no matter what he did.

The next person didn’t have change, and had to break a £20. By this point the Conductor was just fuming.

“One more person ****es me off today,” he says “and I swear I’m going to slaughter the whole damn bus!”

Sure enough, the next person who he asks didn’t have any money at all. He flipped, pulled out a machete, and killed everyone on board.

He was taken away, and the Judge, appalled by the severity of his crime, issues the Death Sentence.

So he lives in Death Row for a few years before finally being led to the Electric Chair.

The executioner asked him what he wanted for his last meal. “A green banana” says the man. So the executioner hands him a green banana. He very deliberately eats it, before being led away.

He straps him into the machine, and turns the electricity on. After a minute, they shut the machine down. The man is sitting there, completely unharmed. “Hmm… maybe the machine’s on the blink. We’ll try again tomorrow.”

So the next day, they try again, and again ask him what he wants as his last meal. Again, the man asks for a green banana. One again, he eats it, they strap him in, and again, leaving it on for a minute, the man is there, completely unharmed.

This follows on for the next week, each time the man eating a green banana, then the electrocution failing.

Eventually they decide they’re going to have to try the lethal injection.

This is going to be a different executioner, so the first executioner says to the man “can I just ask you one thing?”

“Sure” says the doomed man.

“What’s your secret? What is it about the bananas that makes you invulnerable to electrocution?”

“Nothing,” says the man “I’m just a bad conductor!”