The Story Of Zonbei

Zonbei's Dad

It was thirteen years ago to the day that Zonbei’s dad left for 7-11 and never came back. It was a special day -- Zonbei's birthday -- and his father knew just the present to get his four-year old bundle of joy: poptarts. Zonbei's father left the house with a skip in his step . . . and never returned.

Zonbei waited and waited for his father to come back; he was excited for his birthday and really wanted those poptarts! They had just introduced strawberry frosting and he was excited about the prospect of a new frosting flavor to coat his mouth with. He had seen commercials about how delicious this particular poptart frosting was on the television.

To this day, Zonbei has yet to eat a strawberry-frosted poptart because he wants to share his first one with his dad. Every day he wakes up and frantically looks around the house, hoping against hope to see his father smiling and holding that box of poptarts out towards him, an open invitation to smear some tasty strawberry frosting all over his face. Sometimes he thinks he sees his father out of the corner of his eye -- but when he turns, his father is gone.

Zonbei has started to believe that his father is just playing an elaborate game of hide and seek with him when, in reality, his father has a new family in Freemont, Arizona with children who are not fabulous persongy internet disappointments.

Zonbei has an unfortunate tendency to call random phone numbers; if a male answers, he screams, "YOU GOT ME! SEE YOU IN FIVE MINUTES!" If a female answers, however, he has two variations: in option one, he vents about how girls only want the "bad boy" and never him and it's discouraging because he's a nice guy and doesn't want sex without a relationship and is, thus, supervirgin; in option two, he invites himself to Australia.