“Kaiser Wilhelm II”

Word: Kaisers

King Krimson Posted:

The title: My day as a Catholic pageboy

And, rather predictably, the word: Sodomy.

“Aren’t you ready yet?”

“Yeah, just a sec,” I responded. “I think this tunic makes me look fat.”

”’Just a sec’ is not the same thing as ready,” said Sandra as she came into the bedroom. She looked at me, impatiently, as I frowned at myself in the mirror. “C’mon, let’s hit it. You look fine. A perfect pageboy,” she said. “Altar boy,” I corrected her. “Pageboys are those kids who are, you know, the ring bearers in weddings.”

“Well, whatever,” said Sandra. “If would make you feel more authentic, we can have some quick sodomy before we go. I’ll even let you call me Father.” “Ew, no,” I said. “But, you know, thanks. I’ll keep it in mind.” “Your loss,” Sandra said, shrugging. “But really, let’s go. Don’t forget your mask and bag. We’ll blend in perfectly with the trick-or-treaters on the street.”

We walked out of the apartment and down the street. Just before we got to the house, I turned to her and said, “You know, we don’t have to do this. Why don’t we just take off somewhere? Take a vacation? We have enough money by now.” Sandra stopped, turned to me, and said, “You can’t possibly be getting cold feet now. This whole thing was your idea. ‘One more job before the Feds get too close.’ Well, it’s one more job now and they’re one town behind us. Do you want to do this or not?”

“I’m just saying,” I explained, “if you don’t want to do this one, it’s okay. We can still walk away.” “Oh my god, you’re such a woman's genitals,” said Sandra, as she started walking. “And you love it,” I quipped, as I rushed to catch up. “Well, yeah,” she responded.

We arrived at the door and fitted our masks over our faces. Sandra rang the bell. A man answered in a zombie costume, holding a bowl of candy. “Back up and put down the candy,” said Sandra, through her mask, as she pulled a gun from her bag. “We want what’s in the safe and nobody gets hurt.”

And then so many things happened at once. The bowl of candy dropped to the floor, scattering the pieces. The zombie lifted his arm, pointing the gun from inside the bowl at Sandra’s chest. Three FBI agents rushed into the yard behind us and aimed their rifles at our backs.

The zombie yelled, “Freeze! Put down your gun, Sandra. It’s over.” And looking at me, he said, “Good job, Amy. We’ll keep up our end of the bargain.”

“You ****,” said Sandra, looking at me with disbelief.

“Yeah,” I said. “I know.

Woof

Woof

mterek Posted:

”woman's genitalsicles”

“puissant”.

woman's genitalsicles was a poor farmer in the valley of Crotching. One year, just before harvest, a gigantic sand storm came through the valley and destroyed all but three kernels of corn from his crop. Distraught, woman's genitalsicles went to the temple of Phallus and brought with him the three kernels. He placed them in front of the great statue of Phallus and said, “Oh Phallus, you who are more puissant and majestic than any other god, please help me, or else my family will starve.”

Phallus was moved by this offering and appeared to woman's genitalsicles, saying, “since you have sacrificed the last of your food as an offering to me, I will save your family. When you return to your farm, every grain of sand left in your field will have turned into a kernel of corn.” woman's genitalsicles was elated and thanked Phallus. Phallus responded, saying that for the next three years, woman's genitalsicles must bring half his crop to Phallus’ temple or suffer dire consequences. woman's genitalsicles immediately agreed and rushed to return to his farm where his jubilant family was waiting.

The next year, woman's genitalsicles’ harvest was bountiful and he immediately took half his crop to the temple and laid it at the statue of Phallus. Phallus was pleased, but grew greedy. He said, “next year, you must bring me 75% of your crop or you will suffer dire consequences.” woman's genitalsicles was afraid, but knew there was nothing he could do, for Phallus was a god and he was not. His crop was not so good the next year, but he brought 75% of it anyway. Phallus was displeased to receive a lesser payment than the year before, and told woman's genitalsicles that next year, he must bring 85% of his crop to make up for it. woman's genitalsicles worried, knowing that if his crop did poorly again, he would have little chance of survival. woman's genitalsicles returned home and confessed the worsening situation to his wife, who told him, “Stupid husband, did you not know that Phallus is untrustworthy? I will fix this.”

And so woman's genitalsicles’ wife went to the temple of woman's genitalsta, who was Phallus’ enemy in the Pantheon. She prayed to woman's genitalsta, who took pity on her and, seeing an opportunity to damage Phallus, told her that on the day of payment, she must dress up as her husband and instead of bringing crops, deliver large baskets filled with sand. However, she must say nothing the entire time she is in Phallus’ temple or the spell will be broken and Phallus will quickly take revenge.

woman's genitalsicles’ wife did exactly as she was told on the morning of her husband’s payment and brought many large baskets filled with sand to the temple. Just as she was about to leave, Phallus appeared to her and said, “woman's genitalsicles, you have managed to bring me even more food than last year. I am pleased. How did you do this?” And woman's genitalsicles’ wife stood silently, remembering her instructions. “woman's genitalsicles, do you mock me?” asked Phallus. His voice boomed so loudly that the pillars of his temple began to shake. woman's genitalsicles’ wife shook her head and bowed to Phallus, then quickly ran out of the temple. As soon as she exited the temple, woman's genitalsta’s spell was broken and Phallus saw he had been tricked. His temple shook and the walls cracked from his anger.

This is why, to this day, the constellation Phallus chases woman's genitalsta in the sky, and why the small constellation woman's genitalsicles points out from woman's genitalsta toward Phallus as an irritant should he get too close.