Bill_Murray_-
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It’s general knowledge that most males overestimate their manliness…so I have taken it upon myself to compose a short guide, for which all cultures can agree on a common definition for what a man is and is not. If you do not fit the basic criteria outlined in this guide, then I’m sorry – you’re not a man…or at least, not much of one.

#1: Nobody under the age of 18 can be considered a man. More important than anything else, nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to bear the title of “man”. I don’t care if you got your driver’s license when were 16, I don’t care if you had your first **** when you were 14, and I don’t care if you shot your first deer when you were 12 (more about guns later on… Log in to see images!.

#2. Men have beards.. The beard is the universal badge of manhood – by simply growing one, a man can exponentially increase his manliness. Furthermore, a man can develop his manliness by increasing his beard level – either by growing his beard longer and fuller, or by growing it so it looks cooler and more aesthetically pleasing than other beards. It’s important to note that growing a full, thick beard increases one’s beard level far more than a short, stylish beard – but not only are some men not physically able to grow a truly epic beard, but we all know that many women (and so-called “men” ) do not understand the relationship between a beard and manhood – so at times, it may be more advantageous to own a “better looking” beard than a manlier beard.

Of course, a person who grows a beard and understands nothing of the culture makes them no more of a man than putting a suit on a monkey makes it human (ironically, the suited monkey is exceedingly more manly than these posers), so DO NOT overestimate the effects of a beard.

But of course, some men just look better without a beard, and will incur a hefty penalty to remain clean shaven. In these cases, the guide recognizes that these men can make up for this decision by exceeding in the next two categories.

#3. Men punch things. Men express their violence through their fists. This punching can be directed at anything – another man’s face, a wall, a woman's genitals…just as long as it’s a punch out of manliness. If a person simply punches out of anger, the punch is not an expression of manliness – so “beating your wife because she didn’t have dinner ready” or “hitting them because they wouldn’t let you enjoy them” will not make you more of a man.

This guide recommends punching at least one thing a week. How ever, the most epic and heroic of men are known to punch several things EVERY DAY.

#4. Men bend things. MEN BEND THINGS. PERIOD. If you don’t find enjoyment in bending, then ****ing give it up – YOU WILL NEVER BE A MAN. In fact, bending steel is the true test of ultimate manliness – if you can do this, then congratulations…you’re a specimen of true manliness.

#5. Real men do not own guns. This may surprise many readers, but it’s true: the second you become a gun owner, you are forfeiting your manhood forever. Many males (and even some women) delude themselves into believing that gun ownership will make them a man. But this is wrong, wrong, WRONG.

As previously mentioned, men express their violence through punching. Standing fifty feet away from a target and pulling a tiny trigger requires absolutely no manliness – true men throw themselves directly into the action, and relish the feeling of a properly thrown punch. Weapons such as swords, axes, and ninja-thrown shuriken are pretty bad-bum, and the guide recognizes ownership of these and similar items, but they are far less manly than punching.

It is also a universally accepted fact that a gun is a male reproductive organ substitute. And while the size of a person’s male reproductive organ actually has very little to do with their manliness, gun ownership is an admission of bearing a small male reproductive organ, and is a perfectly acceptable reason to point and laugh at someone.

and finally…

#6. Men pull their pants down, all the way. when a man sits on a toilet to ****, he pulls his pants all the way down to his ankles. The guide recognizes that it is manly to do this for the process of urination, but stresses that you’re better of standing up to urinate.

I don’t care if it’s embarrbuming – real manliness is not about caring what others think of you. And if you think it’s too cold out…well, then just buy a warmer pair of panties, like the rest of the women do.

That concludes this basic outline of manliness. While true manliness is far more complex, and would require an expansive series of texts to truly define, this guide will point you in the right direction.

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