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Heartless's Flamebate Posts
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CLOSED: Win a free Episode 2! Or lots of BP!Flezz 56,001
Cred 1052370 (view post) |
09/03/2008 | |
Domination Team changingThanks guys.Log in to see images! (view post) |
09/01/2008 | |
Domination Team changingCan I change my domination team? I’m in Purple Tenticle, and I hate it there. 81 members.. and several destroyers amound them. Basically have to clan up or you get blasted down every time. I can’t raid on wednesdays, I have a job thing.
If I could get into another team bracket, maybe I’d stand a chance to medal something someday. (view post) |
08/31/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)I know this is almost over, but I had to share this for you and your Wife… It’s from my Mother, with love.
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their bumes, and the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their bum is too fat…......... 10% of women think their bum is too skinny…...
The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he’s a good man, and they wouldn’t trade him for the world. (view post) |
08/30/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)coreyjess Posted:
Brownie point received! Thank you~! (view post) |
08/27/2008 | |
Any FF fan here?Hobart Bliggity Posted:
....Disgusting.Log in to see images! (view post) |
08/27/2008 | |
This is quite possibly the most ****ed-up flash game I have ever seen (NSFW)I beat it too.. but I wished I hadn’t. Wrist all cramped up.. likely to get Carpel tunnel now.
I got; Genital Warts Gonorrhea Syphilis Herpes AIDS
...Gross~! (view post) |
08/27/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)[Pardon the All Caps segments..]
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large un-friendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, ‘YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?’ All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrbumed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’ (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)Not jokes per se, but these glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison,” and he said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”- John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford (one flash & it’s gone. ha)
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed his stupid bum against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant. (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbumon your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’ (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny … He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … walked home … and left it there all night.
You got to love George! (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and damage the status of the family, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, ‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry! I’m dating Susan!’ (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)In Louisiana, this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux. Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine”? the lawyer asked. Boudreaux responded, “Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . ” I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine!”? Boudreaux said, “I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . .” The lawyer interrupted again and! said , “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question.” By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.” Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, “I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o’ terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said ‘How are you feeling?’”
“Now what da hell would you say?!” (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation. The old rancher says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there. The Water representative says, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’ The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..
‘Your card! Show him Your card!’ (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)Important aging FAQ;
Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore———-under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s bum all the way to Egypt .’
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband? A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glbumes? A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: ’ Gee, I remember these.’ (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her clbum that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
So, a student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’ Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the clbum into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’Log in to see images!, because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’Log in to see images!, because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this Transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The Italian replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2- 3.’ When you do that, you will be more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.’
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, ‘How do I stop the medicine from working?’
Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ the shaman responded. But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.
I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, ‘1-2-3!’
Immediately, I was the manliest of men.
My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, What was the 1-2-3 for?
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. (view post) |
08/25/2008 | |
Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)Why did the Pervert cross the road?
...Because his male reproductive organ was stuck in the chicken. (view post) |
08/25/2008 |