BoBTheUnDeadFish's Flamebate Posts

Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)

A taxi pbumenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The pbumenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. “The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

———

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow pbumenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grbum. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grbum. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know ****?”

———

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

———

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”

———

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “Now what?” asks the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

———

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN Pbum THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.” The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

“Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

———

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, ” I sure wish I could do that!”

The other one looks at him and says, “Well, I think I’d pet him first”.

———

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”

———

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.” So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. “Excuse me sir,” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me!” The second man turns around and says “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?”, “I’m from Dublin”, second man stunned says, “Me too! What street do you live on?”, “McCarthy street”, second man replies, “Me too! What number is it?”, the first man announces, “162”, second man shocked says, “Me too! What are your parents names?”, first man replies, “Connor and Shannon”, second man awestruck says, “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”

So, they buy some more Guinness and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks “What’s new today?” “Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

———

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glbum, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glbumes and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,

and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glbum. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

———

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?” The dog answers “ROOF.” The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.” The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else”. The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time”. The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.” With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says “DiMaggio?”.

———

A preacher goes into a bar and says “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?” The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”

———

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One male parrot said to the other, “Put the Bibles away! We’ve made it to heaven!”

———

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, “****, I missed.” Surprised, the priest replied, “Don�t use that kind of language or god will punish you.” The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, “I ****�n missed again.” The priest overheard and replied, “My son, please don�t use that language or god will punish you.” The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn�t help mutter, “Oh ****�” The priest said, “That�s it god will certainly punish you.” Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, “****, I Missed”.

———

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: �PREACHER’S bum SHOWS�

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: �PREACHER’S bum OUT IN FRONT� The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: �BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S bum�

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: �NUN HAS BEST bum IN TOWN� The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: �NUN SELLS bum FOR $10.00�

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: �NUN ANNOUNCES HER bum IS WILD AND FREE�. The Bishop was buried the next day.

———

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,” Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)

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Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the bumon to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says “You’re the biggest man I have ever seen”. The man nods his head, and replies ” I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I’m Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, “I said I’m 6 – 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said “Turn Around”.

———

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger ****ing his wife. He says, “What the hell are you two doing?” His wife turns to the stranger and says, “I told you he was stupid.”

———

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says “Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don’t mean?” The Second guy says “Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge mammary glands, and instead of asking her for ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh’ I asked for ‘two tickets to mammary glandsburgh’ The First guy says, “Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying ‘Honey can you please pbum me the sugar?’, I said ‘You’ve ruined my life you ****ING ****’

———

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him “Do you love your wife?” so he replies “Yes I do, sir.” “Do you love your country?” asks the interviewer. “Yes I do, sir.”, interviewer continues, “What do you love more, your wife or your country?” he replies “My country, sir.” The interviewer looks at the man, “Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her.”

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says “I can’t do it…”

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says “What happened?!?!”, to which the guy replies, “The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!”

———

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. “My wife,” the man replied. “I’m sorry,” said Bill. “What happened to her?” “My dog bit her and she died.” Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.” Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?” To which the man replied, “Get in line.”

———

A guy can’t obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his male reproductive organ are broken down and there’s nothing he can do unless he’s willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his male reproductive organ, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to “try out his new equipment”. The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his male reproductive organ pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says “That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?” With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says “Probably, but I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my bum!”.

———

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads…

Dear Wife,

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand

Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.”

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows…

Dear Husband,

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the

Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,

you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”

Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”

———

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby’s head pops out. The doctor says, “Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes.” To which she replies “Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.�

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby’s body comes out. “Holy ****, your baby has a white body,” the doctor says. “Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,” she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. “Holy ****! Your baby has black legs,” the doctor said. “Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,” she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the bum, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, “How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?” The woman replies “I’m just glad it didn’t bark!”

Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)

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will this count?

Scripting in Speedruns

Congratulations. You’ve just given people a reason to NOT want to report bugs/exploits.

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What happened to rewarding those who willing helped make the game better?

PL3333ZE GoD, TR0LL TH1S SITE UNTIL IT BLEEEDS!

My vote is for the Canadians.

What have they ever done except smoke alot of pot, and argue about hockey? I mean give me a freaking break. Canadians are a waste of oxygen.

I ****ING LOVE AMERICA

“You didn’t save the Brits in WW2, they were already turning the tide against the Chermans, if the Japs hadn’t bombed you your chicken-**** arses wouldn’t have been involved at all.”

WRONG!

The British would have been speaking german for 20 years by now if not for America.

America had the what the Brit’s didn’t. A huge supply chain, and major economical resources to draw on.

Why else would Germany need the wolf pack’s of submarines in the Atlantic.

Oh I know, to have a tea party. Dur.

Or maybe because we kept up a constant stream of transports headed to Britian with supplies, from the beginning of WW2.

Yeah, we did get screwed over on the Japanese end. It wasn’t from lack of wanting to fight. If you want to talk about chicken ****s, go talk to the Canadians. All those ****tards know how to do is smoke pot and rant about hockey.

Pearl Harbor is what finally forced our hand.

Some speculate that Pearl was allowed to be attacked for this very reason. Why else would everything BUT our Carriers be left behind in the harbor. Hmm. Probably to save the most valuable bumets, and leave the rest of the fleet behind to make it an enticing enough target for the Japanesse to follow through with the attack.

America may be a ****hole sometimes. But you bunch of pussies always come running to us when **** has to be dealt with.

So **** off you wankers.

You sir, are gay.

Your not gay if your doing the pushing ^_^