Tubsonic Transcripts

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS TO THOSE WHO HAVEN'T GOTTEN THE TUBMAILS YET. IT IS HERE AS AN ARCHIVE OF THE TUBSONICS (I.E. FOR THOSE WHO DELETE EVERYTHING)

Episode 1

The Motherland

(the tubsonic for this one seems to have disappeared from the tubmail though if I recall correctly It is the same as what's said in the tubmail itself) [citation needed]

THE_****

That was a sweet bum job you did at the fitness forum and **** (No Homo). Uh.. just thought i'd leave a message and that I uh.. I consider you a really good friend.. you know in a non gay way and stuff. If you ever find yourself in trouble you want to know that I.. I always got your back (No Homo). Maybe we can like hang out some time, pump some iron (No Homo) and then like, you know, shower off, take a sauna together and then have gay sex....... OK SEE YA.

Bruce Bear

Hey to the ho to the heyyyyy, Bruce the Bear here! Brrwaawwwwwwwrrr. I just want to say you did a fantabulous job taking on those Nasty little homophobes at the KKK and if you give me half a chance I will do an equally fantastic job on your male reproductive organ. No extra charge if you catch my subtle meaning ehehehehe as subtle as a hand grenade in a baby carriage. Peace and anal grease.

RockStarGrrl69

hehey listen this is ****ing RockStarGrrl69 how you doing? Listen, I just wanted to say ****ing thanks for hooking my **** ophelia cause now we're all together and living happily ever after and **** hehe let me tell ya I'm up to my ****ing mammary glands with this chicks woman's genitals right now and we owe it all to you don't we? Uh.. she can't talk right now because her tounge is halfway up my uterus (oh yeah you finger it ****. Just like that). Now uh... I don't want to get too sappy on ya but you did some good **** over there. You breeders ain't all that bad eh? Ok later dude... Oh yeahhh that's the good ****. Get in my woman's genitals right there.. yeah get your fist up in there.

Episode 2

James Thelonious Reary, Jr.

Hay Hahahahahahaha BASEBALL! Baseball! Baseball! Hehehe! BASEBALL! BASEBALL! Hahaha Baseball! Baseball haha Hehehehe Ha! Heheheha! Baseball! (Then there is some unidentifiable muttering in the background)

• Permanoob exclusive Tubsonic.

Reilly O'Bill

This is Reilly. I can't talk very long. You were incredible last night. By the way, the next time around the safety word is Tahini..Bye...

Your username_299 First TubSonic

You're a little fat whore! Who's really ****ing Fat! And I'm gonna lick your little fat woman's genitals and suck on your toes and eat **** of your ****ing face! HaHaaa..Who's a little fat ****!? Who's a fat little ****ing ****!?!? (Motorboat sounds) Hahaha, yeah I'm gonna make you eat ****ing whipped cream off my ball sac! How do you like that huh? Ya you like that huh? You little whore! Then I'm gonna make you eat chocolate pudding out of my bumhole! Mmmmm.....Tastes like ****, I'm gonna **** chocolate pudding over your fat little greedy mouth! Cause you just can't get enough of it! Greedy huh? You little fat dirty ****! Hahaha!

Your username_299 Second TubSonic

Uh... Yes uh Hi. Uh this is kinda embarrbuming but uh, I just realized I totally sent that last message to the wrong account. Uh... So if you could just pretend you never heard it. Yeah.. You know sorry about that. it it Happens you know. You get caught up in the moment uhh.. A simple case of mistaken Identity. I mean uh hamana uh I'm definitely not gonna do any of the things described in the last what eh the **** toes and the last message. It's like play acting you know. With my balls as the secondary and lead characters. Uhh Sorry so uhh I'm gonna go know So yeah. So I'll see you. And ummm. Ok. Ok. Bye.

LittleBilly2316

Hi fabulous person. Hey Have you seen my pony? He ran away and I can't find him. He's pretty with long manes and brown furs. I-I Think maaaybe a pony pedo lured him away because he's so pretty. I hope nothing sexual is happening to him. I want him back so I can ride him all day long and feed him carrots and hamburgers. This is the song I singed him every night before he sleeps. "Pooooony Beautiful Poooooony I love you. And your brown mane. Oh I will miss you while sleeping. But I will see you in the morning Kay?" Well JK fabulous person!

Episode 3

Garth X. Bloodloss First Tubsonic

Urgh... Bloody hell... My head... Ah ffff****. I can't believe I drank SO MUCH ****ING whale sperm. ****ING BLEEDING ARSEHOLES! They took me ****ING recordings, the bastards! All those ****ing... Those ****ing COC- (Audio cuts out).

• Hacker exclusive Tubsonic.

Garth X. Bloodloss Second Tubsonic

Oh holy ****. Who the **** is this then? Eh? I what? Oh... Bloody **** right... You're... You're the bloke I asked to freak out on the freaks on that one website. Uh, Good work... I think... I can't remember if you actually did it, or if I was just IMAGINING that their forums shut down, or whatever. Point is... Uh, the point is; thanks. Also, I'd like to sing a few bars of my hit song, 'I can't believe I muhruggeh'. Ready? TELL ME HOW I WAS WHEN SHE WAS SHE AND I WAS WITH YOUUUUUUUUU (Vomits).

• Hacker exclusive Tubsonic.

~*Heather*~

Oh look. It's the friendly neighborhood idiot. I suppose you're proud of yourself for giving those emos the beating they so richly deserved. It's almost like you're getting deflowered before my very eyes. Oh my God! Not by me of course. It's probably that fairy Jimmy from the football team. We all knew he was a fabulous person, even before he started wearing bumless chaps and Found himself. Anyway. I didn't think you could do it without looking like a complete tool. But it looks like we got lucky on this one or something. Wait. Did I just compliment you? Damn. Before this becomes some kind of coming of age John Hughes movie and we have a moment and **** remember you still got to hand over the goods. Don't even think about welshing on our deal. We all know who wears the pants in this relationship. Later Loser!

• Emo Kid exclusive Tubsonic.

Shecky Salisbury

How's it going kid? Just a quick question for ya. Eheh. What's the difference between your bumhole and a gynecologist's office? Gynecologist's offices usually only have one male reproductive organ in them. Ehehehehe. Because you get ****ed in the bum a lot I guess or you know stick multiple male reproductive organs in your bum. I don't know. It's a pretty new joke. But it's good huh? Ehehehehooo. Anywho. I'm gonna be doing a set down at the homeless shelter tonight and I'm getting paid in soup. So ya know, work's work. It's fun. The crowd's fun they like to drift, off. Ya know. Cause most of them are on the smack. Anywho maybe I'll see you there. (Cough)

Geronimo! Technical Support

Hi, this is J with Geronimo! Technical Support. I'm calling with a response to the help ticket bumigned to your account. It appears it was a virus or a worm uploaded to your address while you were visiting our forums. Now, this is a pretty weird case. Uh it looks like it was sent from somewhere within the Geronimo campus, which mean it was one of our employees who was responsible, but their IP address was heavily masked and pbumed through several anonymous proxies. Pretty Heavy-duty security. So I did some snooping around and found out that they...hang on a second. What the hel-AHHGGHG! *****s self*

(Robotic voice) DO NOT INVESTIGATE THIS ANY FURTHER, OR YOU WILL DIE.

Spookface Killa

All right let's do this.

One time, for your mind

And for your, behind

Don't come at me

Cause I suck

Push in that weight

And push, push, pushing it well

Got me Snickers, Kit Kat, Peanut bumer cups Etcetera

Going door-to-door

Cause I need a plethora of Washingtons for the band trip to the New Jersey Marching Band Museum.

Want to see a statue of Sousa.

Yep, yep, going to see the world biggest tuba

Yea yea, don't come at me with your color guard

****, waving a flag don't make you hard

Yo!

What's up, my Negroes?

Orville W. Moneybags III

I say, good show old top. I bet monocles are popping out allover the gilded pocket right now. I haven't been this excited since I paid that Philippine man $50,000 to let me hit his son with my Douzanberg. And that say Money can't buy happiness. Now, please make sure you never contact me again. I cannot be SEEN fraternizing or such low, low breeding, but I shall miss you when the government finally decides to kill off all the poor. You certainly were one of the good ones. Cheerio!

Al Capwn

I am, uh, impressed, you understand our ways. They ban one of ours; we report two of theirs for child pornography. They bring a shock image, we bring personal information. That's the Internet that way. You might have a future in organized cyber crime, kid. You showed a lot of spunk out there today. I'll tell you what. My boys, uh, they found some Bolivian immigrants that uh, "fell off a truck." I’m sure we can make a deal. No questions asked. Capishe? Bons ara!

Pavlov

Pavlov here. Thought I’d give you a heads up. Last night, I found some one had vandalized some mother Mary statues. Toppled them over. Could be conspiracy, someone targeting virgins. We’ll look into it. But watch your back. Also, started going to Rage Anonymous meetings. Hit a stage where I have to apologize to people. Was going good, got my five-day ship, but I killed a dog for urinating in public. He had it coming. Wanted to say sorry for fantasizing about strangling you with your own jawbone. Over

HugMastaDoug First Tubsonic

Hi there! I bet you never thought you'd see me again. Well that's were you're wrong, because I'm still watching .I’m watching everything, and I mean every. Thing That. You. Do. I’m a little upset with you right now for throwing away my affections like that, but I'm sure that with time, you'll see that you need me Just picture me standing over you, watching you sleep, protecting you. (Insert crazy laugh here).

Mom, mom! I’m, I'm talking to my girlfriend, OK? So shut up. No, Shut up!

Sorry about that. Hugglez!

HugMastaDoug Second Tubsonic (after deleting one of his Tubmails)

What... what the hell do you think you're doing? You're deleting my Tubmails now? Oh no. Oh no you don't, you will NOT turn away from me, you... little... ****! You whores! You're all the same! You LEAD ME ON and then try to pretend that there's... there's NOTHING between us?! Well, what we had was REAL and I DEMAND that you acknowledge it! Okay? SAY IT RIGHT NOW! SAY YOU LOVE ME! YOU LOVE ME! You must love me. You must.

I'm waiting! Say it. Right now, SAY IT! You can't hide from me, you know! I'll find you no matter where you go. I swear to God, I WILL find you...

...hugglez!

HOY$CHEL

Hello? Hello? It's Herschel Jewstein. Listen, you little schmendrick. I saw vat you did there in the JewRaffeBots forum. Oy, vay ist mir, you goyim, so destructive you are! Vhat is this good for, all this antagonizing mishiGUS? Gevalt! If I vere you, I'd get your mind back on your gelt... and more importantly, MY gelt before you vake up some morning minus one shmeckel. A bris too far, if you get me. But vhat would I know? I'm just the alter kucker here, it's not like I know how to run my own business or anything. You yungelayt these days, I can't remember a time when we were ever so meshuggenah as to go around powning forums and disrespecting our elders. Our parents vould say "Vhat is powning? Can you get a couple bucks for it?" and ve'd say, "Of course you can. Vhat does a hen weigh? About four pounds." *fade out*