Illegalities

Illegalities

Illegalities is the Equipment Shop for the Troll clbum. Everything sold from Illegalities goes into the "Fetish" slot. The values listed describe the increase to your character's stats while the item is equipped. A player can only have one "Fetish" item equipped at a time. The prices listed below indicate a character whom has no frugality attributes and are subject to decrease as your character's stats change throughout the course of the game.

Don't Tell Mommy

Log in to see images!Max Douchebaggery: 5

"The magazine for the discriminating kiddie porn connoisseur.

From the esteemed publishers of Naturally Bald, Kid Fancier and Barely Eleven."

Thieved Identity

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"A stolen identity. Um, we think it’s from some Asian guy.

Really, it’s just nice to have someone else’s identity once in a while, y’know? Some guys dress in women’s clothes; others impersonate random Asian dudes. Judge not lest ye…something something."

Hazardous Waste

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"Can you believe someone just left this **** in an underground geological vault, just a few thousand feet beneath the Earth’s surface, surrounded by a layer of aluminum phyllosilicate?

Geez. People are so wasteful these days."

Used Douchebag

Log in to see images!Max Douchebaggery: 25

"This beautiful, hand-crafted douchebag was used by an ancient Ojibwa shaman to cure the piles of Big Chief Swollen bum.

Constructed from the bladder of the noble American Bison and a hollowed-out robin’s beak, it would be filled with warm spring water infused with white oak bark scrapings.

This is the sacred totem of all Trolls everywhere. Use it wisely...and anally."

Heterozygous Tiger

Log in to see images!Max Douchebaggery: 35

"The rarest tiger in the world, and you can do whatever you want with it.

Ironically, this is a homozygous tiger. Homo."

Genuine Troll Club

Log in to see images!Max Douchebaggery: 50

"Upon an ancient stone bridge along the Ångermanälven river in northern Sweden, the great viking explorer Erik the Taupe encountered a horrible, snarling troll who demanded all of his wages.

Erik prayed for Thor to smite the evil ogre, and so it was done. The troll instantly disintegrated in a puff of noxious black smoke, but his hardy red-oak club remained perfectly intact.

And it can now be yours. Go on. You know you want it."

Stem Cell Harvesting Kit

Log in to see images!Max Douchebaggery: 60

"This glorified meat grinder lets you harvest the universe’s most sought-after natural resource. Just add dead babies!

(Fortunately you live next to a daycare.)"

Smuggled Mexican Family of Twelve

Log in to see images!Max Douchebaggery: 75

"Hard workers, and you know they’ll never call the cops on you...no matter what.

You’re getting a great deal here. You practically have one to brush each tooth. Plus, you can **** the younger ones and make even more Mexicans!"

Baby Seal Overcoat

Log in to see images!Max Douchebaggery: 125

"Oh yeah, baby. This **** is big pimpin’.

It is also big baby-seal-over-the-head-smashin’."

Defaced Mona Lisa

Log in to see images!Max Douchebaggery: 375

"The famed Mona Lisa…with a Hitler moustache.

Finally, this piece-of-**** painting is as it was intended to be."