Episode 1 Summary
Welcome to Forumwarz! Your first contact with the storyline comes at the metallic, slightly soiled hand of Excre-Bot 5000, a fecalphiliac robot with a strong desire to get to know you (and your faeces) a little bit better. After being asked a few questions, (and declaring proudly that "I am not easily offended.") you find yourself at the landing page of Sentrillion, the powerful, global search engine.
After performing a cursory search for midget/bestiality porn (or whatever you get off to, you sick bastard), a user named Shallow Esophagus instant messages you while you're surfing the Internet and asks you to destroy or "pwn" some forums for him in exchange for cash. At first, you are suspicious of this Shallow Esophagus character, suspecting that he's more interested in your body or bank details. The motives behind his requests are initially unknown. However, due the possibility of earning money (in the form of the new internet currency that's all the rage, Flezz), you decide to help him.
After he shows you the ropes of pwning forums, you receive a Tubmail from JolieNet DSL, your skinflint Internet Service Provider, which has some shockingly bad news: Due to bandwidth issues, you are limited in the number of forums you can visit per day. This limit stays throughout the remainder of the storyline, and barring cheats, limits the rate of progression at which you can proceed.
Initially, the work given to you by Shallow Esophagus consists mainly of pwning forums and generally causing chaos at his and his contacts' behest. For the time being, things seem to be running smoothly; you're earning Flezz and strangers who appreciate your work are sending you valuable junk. However, Shallow Esophagus eventually encourages you to kick things up a notch, namely by also deploying a hacking attack on the forums through your posts. This attack is contained within a special piece of code, known as XSS, and deploying it earns you more Flezz. However, it soon turns out that these attacks are illegal, attracting the attention of a corrupt female police officer named DrrtyCop74, who demands bribe money from you.
At the same time, a strange, multi-ethnic man named Ravit "Blacksnake" Nordstrom III saves you from getting your bum kicked by Reilly O'Bill after pwning his forum. In return, the Nordstrom requests that you enlist in the Flaming Black Ops, the world's premier (and only) Elite Perma-Troll Emo-Hackwhore clan, a group of individuals like yourself who love to be a nuisance to the deranged denizens of cyberspace.
He accepts your application overnight. Using a similar method as that used by Shallow Esophagus, Nordstrom likewise requests you to deploy his own hacking code, known as the FBO attack, also in return for extra Flezz. These attacks continue and you get stronger and more influential. Throughout all this, other NPCs will give you various missions for Flezz. Most NPCs will come and go, while a few exceptions stay as recurring characters within the storyline.
Your work with the FBO soon raises the hackles of Shallow Esophagus, who warns you to keep this anonymous and disruptive group at arm's length. When you repeat his concerns to Nordstrom, he laughs it off, insisting that they're only in it for fun and "lulz" (a corruption of LOL), and that Shallow Esophagus is likely a corporate hack or government spook with even more sinister goals. Either way, you find yourself working for both factions simultaneously, pwning forums, launching code and doing more grinding than a typical inner-city high school dance.
Eventually, your adventures with the FBO culminate in an attack on a nuclear power plant's forum in Coral Springs, Florida. After you pwn this difficult forum, The Internet Times reports that it was the worst nuclear attack in history and that tens of thousands of people were allegedly killed. Your head is swimming over this horrific scandal.
An Episode 1 Timeline can be seen below.
Log in to see images! Upon reflecting on the tragedy you supposedly caused in the finale of Episode 1, you decide to lay low and stay out of trouble. Things do not go according to plan, however, when JolieNet DSL cuts your connection to the Internet after accusing you of exceeding bandwidth limitations. However, for some unknown reason, Sentrillion is still available, and after looking for more midget/bestiality porn (what's your problem...?), you're confronted by yet another piece of bad news.
DrrtyCop74, the domineering, ****y "bad cop" from earlier, somehow manages to arrest you and put you on trial in Internet Court for "weapons of mbum pwnage," despite your lack of a net connection. After a long interactive cutscene in which you defend yourself before the Honorable Judges Abdul, Jackson, and Cowell, it seems that you're finished. However, just when all hope is gone, the FBO intervenes by hacking into the virtual courtroom and bailing you out.
A brief Internet Delay Chat follows, in which the FBO informs you of their latest plans. They give you a free satellite connection, enabling you to surf free and anonymously, provided you help with their high-profile campaigns. However, since the FBO doesn't have unlimited Flezz reserves, this browsing freedom is still limited to four visits per day. Ironic, no?
Soon afterwards, North Korea’s dictator, Kim Jong-Il (aka KIM_SHADY) chats with you and after a verbal Engrish berating, hires you to pwn the Official Pentagon Forum for no other reason than being a commie douche. However, not surprisingly, the Pentagon is pbumword-protected.
A conversation with Shallow Esophagus shortly after reveals that he can get the pbumword to access the Pentagon. However, he still doubts that you're responsible enough to be entrusted with such sensitive information. You’re asked to help out more of Shallow’s bumociates in exchange for Flezz and other rewards, under the stipulation that if you do well, he'll bestow the pbumword upon you.
After a while, the FBO contacts you again to pwn a gun enthusiasts' forum called "MY RIFLE IS THIS BIG." The FBO also gives you a new contact: The Lonely Gunman, a former employee of Sentrillion who has now developed a conspiracy theory about his former company involving giraffes, robots and all sorts of other weird ****. Right after you pwn the Pentagon forum (digging up some interesting files on the FBO and Sentrillion while you're there), The Lonely Gunman is kidnapped, possibly by robots or giraffes (or maybe even robot giraffes). You freak out again. Before you can ponder what might have happened to The Lonely Gunman, you are approached by the leader of your clbum and the clbum warfare mission begins, which varies depending on which clbum you have chosen.
After a short intermission involving your clbum mythology, you are called upon by a group of robots who state that they are trying to patch relations with humans, despite all the robot hysteria that's going on lately, and they ask you to pwn the hidden anti-robot subforum within Paranoid Panorama, a conspiracy theory website.
However, much to your surprise, you find yourself having to face off with your former confidante Ravit “Blacksnake” Nordstrom III in the bowels of this hidden forum. Despite the fact that you have no idea what he was even doing posting there, he throws a temper tantrum and attacks you. After you call him on his ****, he admits that despite his purported Norwegian-Pakistani background, he is in fact an aging white hacker from Boston. He notifies you that the explosion of the Coral Springs nuclear power plant was an online-media hoax, which truthfully only a basement-dwelling internet dork like yourself would've fallen for. As a radical anti-corporate cyber-anarchist, he goes on to claim that the Sentrillion company is attempting to monopolize and control the flow of online information (stop net neutrality!), before cutting off your conversation.
Shortly afterwards, you have a long talk with Shallow Esophagus, which leads to him explaining that he in fact does work for Sentrillion, but he invalidates the conspiracy theory you heard earlier, telling you about the good work his company is doing. He reveals the true purpose of the XSS code you've been uploading, which is to automatically discover and replicate programs throughout the web, distributing themselves throughout the network and thus making the internet faster, more reliable and less susceptible to censorship or (ironically enough) even hacker attacks. He then states that he wants you to pwn the forum of Sentrillion’s main rival, Geronimo.
Encouraged, you agree to take on this mission, surely your toughest to date. However, on arriving at the forum's hidden "boss" thread, you are overpowered. Before you can even defend yourself, a strange noise begins emanating from your speakers. You feel nauseated and the combination of the forum's power and this mysterious sound literally kills you. At this point, you are too dead to fight on, yet still encouraged to wait around for Episode 3.
- Shallow Esophagus: A mysterious authority figure who has you pwn forums and plant code for Flezz. An employee of Sentrillion, he claims that that the XSS code he pays you to spread is a tool to bring order and security to the internet.
- Ravit "Blacksnake" Nordstrom III: A wonky, black-faced troll who heads the FBO, he also pays you to pwn forums and plant malicious code. Paranoid of robots and large corporations, he claims to fight for the freedom of information on the internet through his impressive hacking skills.
- DrrtyCop74: A sexually depraved and corrupt female cop who takes and forcibly imposes bribes. She is later forced to pay you back the Flezz she extracted for you after she tries to make you bribe her again, but you are redeemed thanks to Doctor O's Digital Vasectomy chat-logging software.
- The Lonely Gunman: A man with apparent psychosis who has an irrational fear of giraffes and robots. Shortly after you meet him, he is castrated and possibly kidnapped. Whether it was by robots or giraffes is yet to be seen.
- THE_****: A muscular steroids dealer who does not like being asked questions. After being hit on the head with a dumbbell in an unfortunate training accident, he decides to go into the business of motivational posters and now hates statements, instead of questions.
- Futanari-Moe: A perverted young man with a unibrow who lusts after Asian girls covered in breadcrumbs and egg yolks. He sends you on a mission to retrieve a picture of Yuriko-chan covered in breadcrumbs and egg yolks.
- Yuriko-chan: A Young Asian girl being stalked by Futanari-Moe. It is not required that you talk to her, but she will bumuredly block you, as soon as you mention egg yolks.
- CutiePie12xo: An old pedophile posing as a young girl. He just so happens to have some pictures Futanari-moe might enjoy.
- Krystal_Crackr1969: A post-operative trans-feminist Wiccan priestess and bipolar anarcho-vegan eco-terrorist.
- Gamble-Bot 3000: The calculating and clearly rigged gambling robot who adds himself to your list in order to take your money when you're dumb enough to play.
- Bruce Bear: A husky, flamboyantly gay man who repairs your equipment and loves giving blowjobs. For some reason, types with a lisp.
- Opheliamammary glandsupp: An aspiring lesbian poet whose work is absolutely terrible. She ends up bestowing her collected works on you, resulting in the powerful "Ophelia's Bad Poetry" attack.
- haxlrose: A hacker who believes himself to be an artist. He will reset your upgrade points every four days upon request.
- Anonymous: An anonymous troll who hates newfabulous persons, gayfabulous persons and anyfabulous persons, and will often tell you to "GTFO." Part of the FBO. Strongly opposed to Saiyantology.
- Doctor O: Obsessive lover of pop culture and the "blogrunner" for DinkDonkDoink.net. A member of the Jockstrap Foundation, he is concerned about digital privacy.
- Reilly O'Bill: A crazy right-wing anchor and member of the Kristian Konservative Koalition. Hates any person other than the Christian White Aryan race.
- Ron BALLISTA: A popular movie actor and the face of the Church of Saiyantology. Claims that his power level is over nine thousand.
- LittleBilly2316: A young girl who is obsessed with ponies. Claims to be a boy in order to hide from pedophiles; this often tends to backfire.
- Jebediah the Hypocrite: A tech-savvy Amish man who questions whether his fellow Amish are following the religion's rules on technology. Turns out he's not so innocent either.
- THeReMiNoRiTy RuLe: Extremely "alternative" individual, she openly admits to hating enjoyable things solely because others enjoy them (including sex). Needs your help to be reinstated to the snobbish Trident Media forum.
- GooseFriedBacon: Exorbitantly obese woman who was banned from a fat acceptance forum for posting "dangerously unhealthy" recipes (although they turn out to be very useful to you).
- <character_name>_299: Admin on aforementioned fat acceptance forum. You briefly talk with him after he notices you messing with his site. His name will be identical to yours, save for _299 on the end.
- WoeIsModerator: Moderator of the Woe Is Us Forum. He is desperate for a friend and threatens to kill himself, so you chat with him on sTalk to determine his fate.
- Doktor Jojo: Experimental surgeon Doktor Josef “Jojo” Snatchpinscher is the proprietor of Dr. Jojo's Plastic Surgery Storeroom, an online store selling do-it-yourself surgery kits.
- Grave Re-Digger: Sends you a small present after you pwn Denture Chat the first time, because he hates the elderly. More importantly introduces you to the Ppwn Shoppe and CutiePie12xo.
Also, depending on your clbum, you'll meet someone from your guild who will direct you to attack another guild's forum. These NPCs include:
- BubbleTroll: A troll who, as a child, was confined to a bubble, pulled numerous stunts in high school, and is now confined to his apartment where he finds solace in the Internet.
- BiG SiSTER: The alpha camwhore with a lingering grudge for Trolls and their unclean bumes.
- Nomoretearz: The ultimate emo who holds a grudge against BiG SiSTER for sending him to a mental institute. He gets his name from the fact that he no longer has tear glands, due to his own actions.
- 53CurEO: The President, CEO, and Chief Security Officer of SecreSecure™ Technologies, Ltd. Has been victimized by numerous spyware programs.
- James Thelonious Reary Jr (Better known as Jimmy the Re-Re): The re-re guild leader, James has a few "developmental difficulties," and doesn't like any of the other clbumes.
These characters give you missions that are not part of the main storyline, and do not need to be completed to finish the story.
- Fr4gGingR1teZ: The self-proclaimed "best gamer of the world" who comes asking for your help in defeating the text-based game, Trapped in the Cupboard. He starts off in a very egocentric manner, bragging about his achievements. Once you complete the mission, he reveals that you are his "only friend" and follows up by sending a friend request.
- Starving 2 death: A very hungry, impoverished girl who Tubmails you asking for food the day after Thanksgiving. Apparently, she only wants your hard-earned turkey.
- HORNY_SANTA: A naughty old dude who ****s milk bottles (he claims it soothes his painful priapism). He contacts you for the rip-off Christmas raffle.
- Falcon****er: A mad otaku with a strong fixation on falcons, attracted to them sexually due to a childhood experience involving mice, Boy Scouts, falcons, and his bum. After being banned from every forum in the world for having gay sex with animals, he wants you to destroy all animal-related forums using a special attack called "Blinded in Rage."
- Herschel Jewstein: Owner of Kosher Crazy Careers, a listing service where players can find side jobs to earn extra Flezz.
- Jalapeno Bootyhole: Beer-loving employee of Crotch Zombie, often accused of enjoying gay sex with gay men in the gay neighborhood (or “gayborhood,” as he'd call it). Appeared in a sTalk conversation to invite players to Forumbuildr Elite.
- BidSquid: The enterprising and entrepreneurial owner of Kyoubai, he shows up to wish you a bidding happy good time on items for wanting to be buy.
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