Alright, listen up because I’m only going to say this **** once. Once upon a time, there was this ****, Goldilocks. She went for a walk in the forest. Why did she go for a walk in the forest you ask? Well my friend, nobody knows for certain, why don’t you sit down and shut your goddamn mouth while I tell the story. Pretty soon, low and ****ing behold, she comes upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she just walks right the **** right in.
At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of porridge ok? This **** is hungry. She tasted the porridge from the first bowl.
“This porridge is too hot as ****!” she exclaimed.
So, she tasted the porridge from the second bowl.
“This porridge is too cold as a ****,” she said
So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge.
“Ahhh, this porridge is just right as a ****,” she said happily and she ate that **** all up.
After she’d eaten the three bears’ breakfasts she decided she was feeling a little tired. So she goes **** it, she walked into the mother****in’ living room where she saw three mother****in’ chairs. Goldilocks sat in the first chair to rest her feet. Her feet were tired ok? If you can not comprehend that you and me are going to have problems.
“This chair is too big as a ****!” she exclaimed.
So she sat in the second chair.
“This chair is too big, too as a **** !” she whined.
So she tried the last and smallest chair.
“Ahhh, this chair is just right as a ****,” she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, the **** broke into pieces!
Goldilocks was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard as a ****. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too soft as a ****. Then she lay down in the third bed and guess what? You’re a smart ****, that’s right. That **** was just right. Goldilocks fell asleep.
As she was sleeping, the three bears came home.
“Someone’s been eating my tasty porridge, I think they had some of my tasty beverage to wash it down with” growled the Papa bear.
“Someone’s been eating my porridge,” said the Mama bear.
“Someone’s been eating my porridge and they ate it all up!” cried the Baby bear.
“Someone’s been sitting in my chair, the one that says bad **** on it” growled the Papa bear.
“Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” said the Mama bear.
“Someone’s been sitting in my chair and they’ve broken it all to pieces,” cried the Baby bear.
They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Papa bear growled, “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed, I’m going to have to chain that harlot up until I purge the demons from her body” Then he started quoting some ****ed up **** from Exodus.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed, too” said the Mama bear
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed and she’s still there!” exclaimed Baby bear.
Just then, Goldilocks woke up and saw the three bears. She screamed, “I’m tired of these mother****in’ bears in this mother****in’ house! Yes they deserve to die- and I hope they burn in Hell!” And she jumped up with her AK-47 and killed absolutely, positively, every single **** in the room.