“Marc Summers is the former host of Nickelodeon’s “Double Dare” and current host of Food Network’s shameless infomer-shlock called “Unwrapped”.

If you are in the enviable, rapaciously coveted position of not having seen an episode of Unwrapped, here is a clip to illuminate you. It really seems harmless enough, doesn’t it? Sort of a behind the scenes look at how certain foods are made (i.e. candy 90% of the ****ing time, setting the stage for piledriving our skulls into the pavement with overuse of the word “sweet” as a pun.) Or sometimes they will “cover” a restaurant, “journalistically” speaking, like Chuck E. Cheese. Never mind that it’s impossible to enter one of these restaurants without plummeting into a permanent, spirit-arresting depression. Their account of any eatery is tantamount to reading copy handed to them directly by the manager of the establishment, and the only thing possibly more ingratiating Marc Summers could do might be to unzip Chuck E.’s nonexistent pants and fellate his humongous plushie rodent dong while children cheer him on. (this statement is very nearly forcing me to categorize this article under “beastmale reproductive organ”) It might even be remotely interesting if they showed something insightful, like how they make the food or how the operation works behind the scenes or how many liters of vomit the guy has to drain from the interior of his rat costume every day. But no, it’s all about how RAD their AWESOME video games are, complete with a flaccid docu-tidbit on Pong and how games have come a long way since then (the guy who created Pong also founded Chuck E. Cheese HOLY ****). And whatever merit there is to showing the manufacturing process of certain products, it is shattered on the jagged rocks of repetition since all they ever talk about for some reason is ****ing candy. Thought the episode on how they make Dum Dum lollypops was kind of cool? Oh, what about Jolly Ranchers, how do they make those?? How about Lifesavers??? While rest bumured they will tell us all about how each of those similar candies are made in separate episodes, I will venture this: I imagine the process is somewhat similar. ”

-Andrew Hussie