There once were three kids who lived in the same town. Despite numerous child-labor laws, all of the children worked at different locations in the local mall. Mike worked at a smoothie place, Sonny worked at a coffee shop, and Nina ran an ice cream stand. Mike, Sonny, and Nina didn’t really have any personal problems with each other despite the fact that they were, in a way, competition (Nina wasn’t really considered a competitor by Mike and Sonny, since ice cream is a totally different type of product. Because of this, they didn’t mind that she got the largest number of customers out of the three).

For some reason, there were some people who only liked going to the coffee shop, and there were some people who only liked going to the smoothie place. There were a metric bumload of old people and little kids who loved going to the ice cream stand, and a lot of them just enjoyed sticking to their ice cream as well.

There were plenty of people who loved coffee, smoothies, and ice cream, and these people tended to be quiet, kind folk. On the other hand, the people who only liked one of the three were oftentimes a big problem for everyone at the mall. There’s nothing wrong with only liking coffee, but for some reason, every time a new type of smoothie came out over at Mike’s place, many of the coffee fans from Sonny’s shop would go and stand in the middle of the mall and yell and scream at the top of their lungs about how the new smoothie wasn’t as good as their favorite type of new coffee. Sometimes they even went into the smoothie shop itself and harbumed the customers while they were enjoying their smoothies!

The smoothie lovers were not without fault either. While many of them didn’t really care about what was at the coffee shop, plenty harbumed the coffee lovers, both for no reason and in retaliation to the constant yelling from the obnoxious coffee fanboys.

“YOUR COFFEE COSTS TOO MUCH!” the smoothie fans would scream.

“YOUR SMOOTHIES GETS OVERHEATED AND MELTS!” accused the coffee fans.

“Hey guys, wanna go play Boom Blox?” the ice cream fans would invite.

“YOU’RE NOT A REAL FOOD!” hollered both the coffee fans and smoothie lovers.

This led all three of the groups of customers to hate each other with a burning pbumion, despite there being no reason that they couldn’t either enjoy all three types of delicious foods, or just quietly enjoy the one or two snacks of their preference.

Some journalists decided to give coverage to the respective shops, and their jobs were made ridiculously difficult by the constant accusations of “teh bias” by low-I.Q. coffee, smoothie, and ice cream fanboys. If a journalists really loved a new type of coffee and wrote about it, the smoothie fans accused the journalist of hating smoothies, despite the fact that such accusations are based upon obvious logical fallacies. When a new smoothie came out and received favorable reviews from journalists, the sad little coffee fanboys would cling to their differing flavors and brands of coffee and scream that Mike had to be bribing the journalists.

All of the fanboys ruined the experience for everyone in the mall, and all the sane people wished that they’d just shut up about who was better. Even Sonny, Mike, and Nina were bothered by the idiocy. Those people needed to shut up, but they never did. Finally, they all got what they deserved and they got hit by a meteor. Then everyone else could enjoy their snacks in peace.

THE END