You make me wish that i was gay so that we could become really good friends because You wouldn’t be threatened by me because i wouldn’t be all like, trying to sleep with You all the time and then we could go out and have fun and say things like

honey you shouldn’t be wearing that your ankles are too thick and who put on your makeup the governor of ny? (cause he’s blind)

and then we’d laugh and sip our gin and tonics but i’d have one too many gin and tonic and you would help me to my couch and i’d be all like oh you are such a good friend i wish there was guys like You that i could sleep with and marry but there aren’t any guys like that are there boohoo

and You would console me and i’d cry on Your shoulder and one thing would lead to another and then we’d be kissing and it would be heaven and confusing at the same time because i know that i’m gay but You’re a girl but this feels so good so right so NOW

and then the next morning we would go buy some morning-after pills and we would never speak of it again especially the part where i cried for 45 minutes after