I know I can’t compare to everyone else in humor, so I’ll give the serious summary. It’s full, detailed and, apart from the very beginning, is ultra-concentrated spoilers. If you are actually planning on watching the movie, I would skip over most of this post.

Edward Scissorhands is about a man who was created by an eccentric inventor in a creepy mansion, recognizable by his full-body leather outfit, pale, scarred face, messy hair, and scissorhands. After living alone for many years with scissors for hands, he is found by an Avon saleswoman who, despite being scared at first, takes pity on him and brings him home to her family’s home in a stereotypical, pastel-colored, white suburb. His strange appearance draws attention from the neighborhood’s desperate housewives who initially think he’s some sort of lover or toyboy. They find out that this is not the case, and immediately start to fight for the attention of this mysterious stranger.

Through various flashbacks, the inventor, played by horror star Vincent Pryce, is shown receiving the inspiration to create Edward, teaching him about morals and emotions, and finally, presenting real hands that he created for Edward. In the happiness of the moment, he dies, apparently of a heart attack, and accidentally slices the hands on Edward’s scissors as he falls, explaining why his hands were the only part of him left unfinished.

During all this, Kim, the Avon saleswoman’s daughter, has been camping with her friends, including her stereotypical butch, male reproductive organheaded boyfriend (think Biff from Back to the Future). Edward falls for her as soon as her mother shows him the family pictures. She comes back home in the middle of the night without warning her parents, only to find a pale, leather-clad, scissor-wielding stranger sleeping in her bed. An amusing scene of screaming and running ensues and Edward is moved to a fold-out couch in the basement.

Bringing more attention to Edward is his bush pruning ability, creating masterpieces from simple shrubs. He begins to this for the neighbors for free, but at one point finds himself inspired to do the same to a dog. This creates his fame as a pet hairstylist, and eventually begins styling ladies’ hair. In the process of trying to open a salon, the lead desperate housewife lures him into a private room and attempts to seduce him. Because of his innocence, she fails to do so and in her frustration begins to tell people that he tried to enjoy her.

During this, it becomes apparent to the younger characters that Edward has affection for Kim. This brings on a prank from her boyfriend in which he tricks him into breaking into his father’s private storage room and triggering the alarm, all for some money and items that will help him get a van for Kim and himself. While Edward is not pressed with charges, he is fully aware of the cirgreat timesstances surrounding the trick, telling Kim when she asks that he did it because she wanted him to.

With the arrest and the rumors of attempted enjoy, Edward’s name quickly sours. On the evening of the Avon saleswoman’s annual Christmas party, Edward is carving an angelic statue from ice with such speed that it looks like it’s snowing. Kim dances in the snow behind him, but when Edward is climbing down the ladder, he accidentally swings his arm out and cuts Kim’s arm. Her boyfriend, who sees this, takes the opportunity to “mistake” this for an attack and chases him off. Feeling betrayed, Edward goes on a rampage, slashing tires and hedges. After a while, people start looking for him, including Kim’s family and a black policeman who met him when he was arrested. Edward eventually sees Kim’s younger brother walking across the street and her boyfriend’s friend’s van speeding toward him. Edward tackles the boy, getting him out of the way of the van, but his hands cut and scare him. Everyone sees him after the deed is done, and don’t realize that Edward saved his life. They chase him to the mansion, where the black cop attempts to fake his death with a gunshot in the air, telling everyone that there’s nothing to see. They want to see for themselves, so after he leaves, they continue towards the mansion.

The boyfriend and Kim both arrive at the house behind Edward, though not together. Kim tries to comfort Edward, but is interrupted by her boyfriend who starts beating the crap out of him. Eventually, the boyfriend lashes out at her as well, causing Edward to snap, skewering him and throwing him out of a hole in the roof. To protect Edward, Kim grabs a spare machine hand that looks like his and takes it out for the people to see alongside the dead boyfriend. She claims the roof collapsed on Edward, killing him. By doing this, she saves his life, but she never sees him again. The only way she knows that he’s still alive as she tells the story to her grandchildren, is that it never snowed before he came, and it has snowed every year since.