Quoting from Uncyclopedia…

Twilight is a 434 page long waste of ink and paper, bound in black, with a picture of an apple on the front (oooh, I wonder what that symbolises, you Mormon cultist). It makes excellent firewood, but be careful, accidental conact with the content of the book can result in contraction of the deadly Twilight Virus (see below).

Twilight has no plot. It is merely a sequence of events that don’t culminate in anything and then something else happens for no actual reason but merely because SM decided it should happen to make the book interesting.

The sequence of events goes like this:

There is a totally plain and ordinary girl named Stephenie Meyer *cough* I mean Mary Sue *cough* I mean Bella Swan. She moves to a miserable town named after a utensil to live with her dad, because of some incomprehensible reason, after all, she doesn’t want to go, and no one is making her go, but she goes anyway. Wait, what?

There she goes to school and is instantly popular and loved, and all of the guys fall in love with her on sight. In one clbum she sits next to this TOTALLY HAWT GUY named Edward Cullen, who acts like a real male reproductive organ to her (which makes her be obsessed with him), and then he leaves for a week. But when he comes back he’s really nice and stuff and they be smart together in clbum. Then, in the carpark, a van skids on black ice and comes STRAIGHT FOR BELLA!!!1 *gasp*. Then follows some ridiculous, difficult to understand sentences and then suddenly Edward is in front of Bella pushing the van away with his bare hands *shock*! The guy in the van is bleeding from the head but noobody cares about him they only care about BEAUTIFUL BELLA SWAN!

Then Bella goes to a larger town to go shopping and somehow nearly gets raped by some sandal wearing thugs. But then Edward turns up out of nowhere and saves her, and on the drive home he confesses to her that he’s a VAMPIRE!!1 (like we didn’t know that already, it says it on the back cover, morons).

Some other stuff happens, like Bella gets introduced to Edward’s family, which are VEGETARIAN vampires, which means they ONLY EAT ANIMALS. That logic’s a bit twisted, if you ask me. Also, being ‘vegetarian somehow changes the color of their eyes, and also they don’t burn in the sun, they *sparkle*

Then the vampires play baseball but some other vampires show up and want to eat Bella so everyone runs away, but teh evil vamp manages to lure Bella away because she’s an idiot, and tries to kill her, but Edward comes and saves the day.

Then they live happily ever after until the next book, which is equally as stupid as the first.