Hey guys. King Krimson can’t make it here today, as he’s currently chewing on the curtains and sobbing. Instead, I, The one and only Captain Amazing, will take his place.

I have never stooped so low. I wish the Justice League would return my calls.

So here we are at Chapter 27. There’s not much I can say about the number twenty-seven really. It’s a nice number, I suppose, but kind of dull. It’ll never quite hold the same place in my heart the 23 does. Right then! On with the pain!

Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u

I decided to test out this theory and discovered that, yes, they will hurt you. Quite a bit, in fact.

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111

Good for you. Then I guess you won’t mind if I call you… Call you a… Hmm. I’ll get back to you on that.

so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111

See, it’s ironic because just earlier she told us that she didn’t care what we think. Notice also the plethora of ‘ones’. She must really be upset.

fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport

34! 56! HUT!

n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital

What a shame. Should have gone down the street instead.

rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111

I like to think that at this point the mental retardation kicked in and she couldn’t lift her finger from the keyboard.

XXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them.

Only to condemn them to a fate worse than death – THIS FANFIC.

Drako, Lucian, Serious bond

The names Bond. Serious Bond.

Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

Draco and Vampire are technically fine, but the nurse hopes that if she keeps them drugged up to their eyeballs she can save them from the terrible and traumatic realisation that they spend every waking moment with Ebony.

“great times on Enoby.”

Oh Boy. What have I gotten myself into? I’m just going to go and ask Krimson to save a bit of curtain for me.

said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it

I see no reason why this is seen as acceptable behaviour. This is like you or I turning up wearing bloody, human bones at a child’s birthday party.

and fuking black platinum boots.

Professor Sinatra, soon to be featured in extreme fetish porno, volume 12.

“I have to tell you the ****ing perdition.”

“The lowest level of Hell awaits you, Ebony, and there’s nothing you can do to about it. **** male reproductive organ****”

I locked at Lucian, Serifs,

A proud member of the house of font.

Drake and Vampire. They nodded.

“Yes. You’re only seventeen, and not only have you broken all seven deadly sins, you’ve somehow managed to create two new ones. That’s an express ticket to hell if ever we saw one.”

I smelled happily

Here, Ebony reveals her scent secretions glands, shocking everyone present to a stunned silence.

and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball.

I’m going to be honest here. I had no idea what a crucible was until I looked it up on Wikipedia. Apparently, It’s some kind of heat proof cup, used for heating things that could not be heated up in conventional containers. Ebony sure has a way with spell checkers, huh?

She said……………………… “Tara, I see drak times are near.”

Dark Times this, Dark Times that. Honestly, you people. Can’t someone write ONE story without some kind of dark prophecy, or murders, or unsavoury goings on? One that isn’t entirely centred around filthy, animalistic sex?

She said badly.

Because, obviously, her tone wasn’t going to be sweetness and light now, was it?

She peered into da balls.

…Discovering a distressing and unsightly lump. It seemed that poor old Draco only had six months left to live.

“You see, you must go back in time.”

Alas, and here I was thinking that all the major literary sins had been covered.

She took out a Time-Toner

Don’t you mean, a Time-BONER?

Oh, shut up. You were thinking it as well.

like B’loody Mary had. “When Voldemint

The unconventional yet strangely delicious new flavour from Ben and Jerry!

was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken.

Log in to see images!

Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?”

Would he become Volxemort? No, probably not. Voldemort? Almost certainly.

I shook my head. “U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way.

So, to stop him from becoming Voldemort, the respectable authority figure is suggesting that her underage pupil go back in time and have a one night stand with Voldemort, then come back to the present day, leaving poor old Riddle alone and depressed about the fact that his ‘girlfriend’ left him, therefore kicking off the whole series of events, that, if the Prof is correct, led to him becoming Voldemort in the first place?

There is no possible way this plan can go wrong.

If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it.

“And by ‘do it’ I mean…”

Oh, what’s the point? You’ve heard it all before.

“Okay.” I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin.

I can’t even begin to imagine what she meant to say here. Something filthy, probably.

I went outside again sadly.

Please. Leave the adjectives alone. Please.

“What ****ing happened?” asked Draco and Vampire.

Ah. I’ve heard much of the legendary misplaced ‘****’.

“Yeah what happened?” asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary?

Even Ebony’s not sure who’s who anymore.

I was about to tell them bum

Blah blah blah, unintentional innuendo, blah blah, not-so-unintentional innuendo.

every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond.

Fond of each other? Now there’s a surprise.

Oh God. I can barely take it anymore.

Everyone was proud of me bum I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco.

About what? Clothes? Goffs? Sodomy?

Please end soon.

They were cheesing my name

That cheese-whiz sure has some interesting purposes nowadays.

and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore.

“Please. I’m old. Why won’t you let me die? What did I do to deserve this living hell? Is it because of that incident with the cat? I swear, I thought it was dead at the time!”

A banner was put up. Lotz of ****ing prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign

Or, as I like to call it, the heartagram. Doesn’t sound so tough now, does it?

on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him.

So, where did they find the symbol? I don’t know, I’ve long since ceased caring.

Even Mr. Noris looked happy.

They say that under his beard is another fist.

A blak and red cake had been brought out.

Unfortunately, the stripper inside had long since asphyxiated.

Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx

Fireworks. BUT XTREME!

in the shape of skulls from Wesley’s Whizard Wises.

So close, and yet so far.

I put on my Invisibility coke

Dyslexia can only explain so much. This, dear readers, is irrefutable proof that the human gene is actually degrading. Darwin was wrong.

with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether.

Is it over? It is! It’s finally over! Hooray! Now, luckily for me, next time it’ll be a return to your usual schedule, with Krimson taking back the reigns. But for now, it’s goodbye, and goodnight!

(P.S. Seriously, how did you guys manage to read this far? You guys must be real gluttons for punishment. If your trying to atone for any kind of past sins, there’ll be plenty of time for that when you’re dead. Anyway. I really am going this time. Bye.)

(P.P.S. Does anyone know how to take screen captures off of mobile phones? I am told that this is important for some reason, but I am in no position to gain any definite reasons why, as the original asker is, uh, otherwise indisposed at the moment. Chewing on the curtains.)

(P.P.P.S. I don’t know why I haven’t left yet. I think the story is keeping me here. If you are reading this, please Send hel- What was that? Oh God! No! Not the bees! NOT THE BEES!)