Optimal clbum equipment + starter packs:

Camwhore:

Red Strap-Ons™

* Max Sexiness +75

* Offense +5

* Defense +5

* Luck +5

Professor Tightly’s Old-Fashioned™ Corset

* Max Sexiness +250

* Charisma +7

* Luck +7

* Defense +7

Glbumes are no longer relevant as they are actually cheaper to buy at auction than the store for a person of average frugality, and so are available to every clbum but emokid.

Starter pack:

Who’s That ****?™ Starter Pack

* Charisma +5

* Offense +1

Total bonus: +9 offense/+12 defense.

+21 combined (63 UP eq), +12 points in luck (12 points UP eq). 75 UP total

Emokid:

Lobe Stretching

* Max Tears +325

* Offense +8

* Defense +8

Nautical Star

* Max Tears +225

* Offense +5

* Defense +5

First Cut is the Deepest™ Starter Pack

* Charisma +1

* Offense +4

* Defense +3

Total bonus: +29/+25

+54 combined (162 UP eq),

Emokids start off with mediocre DPR, but their damage bonus to damage quickly boosts their output. They are the only clbum that can’t wear glbumes, but if they could it would be enough to make them unquestionably the most powerful clbum.

Hacker:

Beast0r High-Speed Cables (x4)

* Defense +15

* Offense +15

* Luck +10

Total bonus: +60/+60

+120 combined (360 UP eq), +40 points in luck (40 points UP eq). 400 UP total

Hackers can get enough PP from .moar files to make up for using x4 cables, and they don’t have to sacrifice much (if any) offense to do it. That gives them a serious stat advantage that more or less offsets their low base attack power.

Troll:

Tumorous Kidney

* Max Douchebaggery: 600

* Offense: 10

* Defense: 35

You Little ****™! Starter Pack

* Defense +8

Total bonus: +10/+67

+77 combined (231 UP eq)

Trolls have insanely high base damage, and the low offense granted by their Eq doesn’t make a lot of difference once you factor in .moar files. The high defense just means that they can put fewer points into egomania than other clbumes, and don’t need to spend as much time healing.

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UP per clbum:

Camwhore: 75UP

Emokid: 162UP

Hacker: 400UP

Troll: 231UP

Earbleeders:

* Charisma +25

* Offense +18

* Defense +12

+30 combined (90 UP eq)

UP per clbum with Earbleeders:

Camwhore: 165UP

Emokid: 162UP

Hacker: 490UP

Troll: 321UP

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Offense modifiers to damage as per above without Earbleeders:

Camwhore: +68.697% Damage

Emokid: +221.357% Damage

Hacker: +457.98% Damage

Troll: +76.33% Damage

Offense modifiers to damage as per above with Earbleeders:

Camwhore: +206.091% Damage

Emokid: +221.357% Damage

Hacker: +595.374% Damage

Troll: +213.724% Damage

—-

Highest damage output attack cycle:

Camwhore: Fetish pics(225)->Hand Bra(200)->Loop

Average Damage per cycle round: 212.5

Adjusted without Earbleeders: 358.5

Adjusted with Earbleeders: 650

Emokid: Everybody Hurts(230)->Quoth the Raven(175)->Loop

Average Damage per cycle round: 202.5(*)

Adjusted without Earbleeders: 651(*)

Adjusted with Earbleeders: N/A

(*Base, not adjusted for bonuses from health loss)

Hacker: ipz(205)->avtr(105)->flipr(95)->avtr(105)->404(120)->avtr(105)->flipr(95)->Recipes(200)->avtr(105)->Loop

Average Damage per cycle round: 126.1

Adjusted without Earbleeders: 704

Adjusted with Earbleeders: 876.8

Troll: Political Flamebait(350)->Shock Sites(220)->Loop

Average Damage per cycle round: 285

Adjusted without Earbleeders: 502.54

Adjusted with Earbleeders: 892.1

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Of course, all these are just factoring in base stats, and don’t account for playstyle. Hackers, for example, can’t sustain a cycle like that without using PP restoratives, and Emokids get a damage boost equal to the percent of their health that is gone. This means that, in practice, Emokids do much more damage (~+50%, as a ballpark figure) while Hackers do a bit less (Dropping flipr and one or more of avtrs, for example).

Further, since UP distribution varies from player to player I can’t really create a ‘typical’ build for showing ‘normal’ end-game point distribution. However, the high defense of the Hacker and Troll free-up points for other things. Also, the Hacker’s initial offense bonus is somewhat dampened by all the offense boosts available (UP, .moar files, books, etc… ), while the Troll’s is exacerbated.

I wrote this up to show that the low base damage and long cycle times that the Hacker suffers from are offset by the clbum’s large stat boosts, while the high base damage of the Troll has no such weakness.

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TL;DR: Hackers aren’t actually all that bad off. They’re pretty close to being in balance with Emokids, and fixing balance issues with them will have to wait until Camwhores and Trolls are brought back in-line.

Edit: Revised hacker loop as per suggestion. Edit 2: Corrected math error.