OMG there’s this guy and I totally blew him in a broom closet and I got kicked out of school and my parents are mad at me and the guy won’t talk to me anymore and my principal’s a male reproductive organ but not the kind I want to suck and I’m so sad but I have this kitty and this puppy and they fight and they’re so cute and I totally want to breed them to make a puppykit or a kittypup, but Mom says that won’t work and Dad got a vasectomy and said he didn’t want more kids anymore and I don’t know why and I miss my boyfriend he left me when I got kicked out of school I totally think he’s mean because I mean it’s not my fault I got caught in that closet and he won’t even look at my mammary glands anymore and I’m mad ‘cuz my friends all say that if a guy likes you he’ll totally feel you up and stare at your chest and he won’t and I don’t understand but my kitty still loves me so everything’s going to be okay and I’m thinking about getting a fish because fish like mammary glands when they’re pressed up against the aquarium I read that in a magazine so it’s true and I just want someone to love me like my kitty does and I totally think your column is awesome because you totally know everything but you keep telling people to play that game with all the big boobied elf chicks and I think that’s totally sexist and I’m going to send pix of my mammary glands to everybody at the whole building where they make that game so they know what real mammary glands look like and maybe they’ll stare at my mammary glands and love me and I bet they make lots of money Mom said I should marry a rich guy and that I should dig for gold and I don’t know why she said that but I think it’s a good idea because gold’s pretty and OMG you totally helped me so much I love you!