Ahoy there, Forumwarriorz! It’s been a while since any of the Crotch Zombie Krew held a contest. So I’m going to remedy that, with this pathetic and desperate attempt to win your favor.

We all need friends. I, unfortunately, have been largely unable to obtain them the organic way, i.e., by being likable. Therefore, I’m going to buy one lucky player’s friendship for one whole week!

What will my new BFF do? Well, for starters:

Log in to see images! Generally, act as you would with a “real” internet friend!

For this, I’ll pay you 7 BP at the end of the one-week hiring period. You might also receive “tips” for excellent service along the way: a fearsome new avatar or a vainglorious custom title, for instance. Plus, you’ll have the ear of a Forumwarz co-creator and admin, giving you a small glimpse into a world of power and influence beyond your wildest dreams…provided your wildest dreams involve being a glorified administrative bumistant for an unpopular mod on a third-rate web RPG.

And since this is an “official” contest (well, I haven’t gotten permission from ET, but he’s sick and when the Trout’s away…Log in to see images! E-Peen™, ****tily designed by yours truly!

Nota bene: Should you not discharge your sacred duties as a BFFAAW (best friend for about a week), I reserve the right to prorate your fee according to my discretion. So, if you only acted like a true friend for a few days, I’d give you 3-4 BP. I doubt this will be an issue however.

Caution: While this may have the potential to be a fun bumignment, you might be opening up a big can of worms here. Be prepared to be harbumed and branded “Jalapeno’s ****,” possibly for the rest of your Forumwarz career. Then again, you may find you’ve earned yourself a Forumwarz friend for life! Which brings us to:

What happens after a week? We may decide to go our separate ways. We may decide to stay BFFs, F. Or, you may decide to stab me in the back. It’s your choice, and I can only say I hope my prospective friend will choose wisely.

So, how is this contest played? How do I decide on my new friend, and when?

Well — and this is bumuming anyone actually posts after me — that’s really up to you! You tell me why you’re right for the job, and what kind of a friend you’d be. If you’re sincere (or better yet, offer proof), then frankly I’ll know. I will announce my decision Sunday night, and our beautiful new friendship will begin the next morning.

Ideally, I’m looking for someone who could genuinely use the BP, someone relatively new, not jaded and looking to make a reputation for themselves. Of course, experienced players may apply as well, but I’ll be scanning your record for anti-JB sentiment. That pretty much excludes anyone with decent trolling instincts.

Thanks for reading…and good luck! Log in to see images!