My village is small, but old. Inevitably, in these places, the odd supernatural tale would pop up. Willow the wisps sighted over the lake, werewolves inhabiting the woods surrounding us, a coven of moth men living in the mountain caves. But, in this village, the most popular tale was that of the Vampire living in the castle on top of the mountain. Eventually, what was once seen as a tall tale became absolute fact in the eyes of my neighbours. Most of the villagers started to fear the castle as if the antichrist himself lived there. I didn’t believe the stories, though I still cannot fathom what possessed me to try to prove them wrong.

It was not easy getting to the castle; every horse driver I spoke too refused to drive me there out of some foolish sense of superstition. Horses, apparently, are useless when confronted with vampires. They’ll just stand there and whinny, or whatnot. In a country with a reputation such as this, it makes me wonder why they don’t just trade the horses in for cars. At the very least, the townsfolk wouldn’t be short of glue for a long time. Eventually, I decided that the best way to reach my destination was to walk up the steep incline leading towards the castle. I would then knock on the gnarled wooden doors, stay the night, owner willing, come back down the slope and tell every one of my night in the perfectly safe, vampire free castle. Well, that was the plan, anyway.

What really happened was I climbed the steep incline and knocked on the door. Things kind of spiralled from there. The door was greeted by a, uh, ‘strangely’ dressed man. By ‘strangely’, I mean that the only thing he was wearing was a pair of nipple rings and some leather trousers, in which he had his thumbs firmly entrenched. “Ah! A villager! Hov simply delightful! To vhat to I owe this unexpected, yet not unvelcome, visit?”

“Are… Are you, um, the head of the house?” I stammered nervously.

“Of course I am, you big silly!” He joyously exclaimed.

“I am Count Vladimir Boris the third. But you can call me Vlad, big boy!”

Then he winked at me.

Vlad invited me inside the castle to dine with him. Not being one to back down, I followed him into the castle, fool that I am. After walking down several oddly dressed hallways, and pbuming numerous disquieting paintings, we arrived at the spacious dining hall. “Of course, as a guest of honour, you vill be seated at the head of the table.” Vlad told me.

He then placed his hand on my shoulder. “And after dinner? Vell, I’m sure we can have some… fun together.” He whispered into my ear.

I was starting to feel more than a little disturbed.

The walls of the hall were flanked by portraits of what I could only bumume were relatives of my bizarre host. In the middle of the room was a large, empty table. Evidently, we were eating alone. “Do not think that my castle is empty, my friend. Far from it. My other guests are… otherwise disposed at the moment. All the more time to get to knov each other, hmm?”

I was seated at the table by a regal looking butler. Vlad, not surprisingly, sat to my side, seriously invading my personal bubble. Then again, Vlad could be a whole room away from you and you’d still feel uncomfortable. He just had that kind of aura. “So.” He said, his foot creeping up my leg. “Vhat brings you to my humble abode?”

“Well, um, the other villigers said that this castle was owned by a vampire. I, ah, I wanted to prove them wrong.”

To say that I was concerned at this point would be a mbumive understatement.

“But vhat is there to prove vrong? I AM a Vampire!”

“Oh.” It was at this point that my fears were realised.

I looked nervously around the room, and decided to stare at the paintings. Maybe my demonic host would think that I was admiring the art. There were three portraits in particular that caught my eye. One was of a crowned figure dressed entirely in red and black, and holding a sword drenched in blood. I didn’t want to think about the symbolism of that one too long. The second was a painting of a pale girl dressed in modern, gothic looking clothes. Her expression wasn’t pleasant, and I got the feeling that the young woman who posed for the portrait held a very high opinion of herself, and would not suffer those who she considered inferior. The third, and by far the largest and most extravagant, was a picture of my host himself. It was a very accurate representation, and I found myself admiring the artwork despite myself. Even the frame was expertly crafted, and laced with what I bumumed to be real gold. The Count clearly didn’t do things in halves.

After a while, the butler came back with several items of foodstuff carried on a trolley. As he pbumed me, apparently to place a roast hog on the table, he whispered something into my ear. “You should leave. It isn’t safe here for your kind.” He told me.

I had already figured as much, but the butlers warning compounded my feelings of dread. I had to escape from the castle as soon as I could. I didn’t know what my host did with his ‘guests of honour’, but I doubted that I would be left alive to tell the tale. And I was fairly certain that it would involve sodomy.

The actual meal went by without further incident. The count made further salacious remarks, and I fervently wished for the meal to end so that I could make good my escape plan. And if I couldn’t leave this place of veiled horrors, at least I would take my captor with me.

Vladimir led me upstairs to the main bedroom, and then locked the door. Feeling that my live would be further endangered if I did nothing, I arrange my fingers into the shape of a cross. “The power of Christ compels you!” I yelled.

The fiend who was facing me scoffed. “Sveetie, please. Do you really believe those old vifes tales? Christ does not care vhat goes on vithin these valls. In fact, you could say he evened sanctioned it! Besides, I am only shoving you room. I vasn’t going to hurt you.”

In my desperation, I grabbed the nearest chair and smashed it upon the ground. Choosing the sharpest shard from the remains of the chair, I plunged it into the foul creatures’ heart. “Vell. Some guest you turned out to be.” The ungodly creature said in a tone of what can only be described as mild annoyance. “Ah, vell. If you really vish to leave, I suppose you’d better. Ve Vouldn’t want you feel uncomfortable now, vould ve?”

The beast then unlocked the door, in a clever display of defeat. It feigned indifference, but I knew that that was just a clever façade. I rushed past him, and ran down the hallways until I came across what I thought to be the exit. Instead, what I found chilled me to my very core. I had found the counts other guests. They were dressed in leather, and were gyrating and writhing to some otherworldly tune. “Hey there! Why don’t you join us?” One of the men yelled out.

“Yeah! It’s always nice to see a new face… and a new body.” Shouted another.

Several of them even whistled at me in a demeaning manner.

I ran from the shocking sight as fast as I could, until I eventually found the true exit. As I rushed from the castle that I knew would forever haunt my nightmares, I heard the voice of the Count yell out these words. “Feel free to visit anytime!”

I know that that voice will forever be etched into my mind. But the most shocking part of my tale is yet to come. As I slowed down to catch my breath, sure that I wasn’t being followed, I noticed a sign. Upon that sign was an arrow pointing towards the castle, and the most dreadful words my eyes had ever seen.

The sign read: “YMCA, THIS WAY!”