SuperMonkeyMan Posted:
Ok, I know this will sound crazy but hear me out. Mike and I were just kickin’ it back last Saturday in his basement. His parents were away for the weekend on some second honeymoon—aka “Saving our Marriage”. We were bored. You know how Saturday’s are for fat virgins. Most of our time is spent playing online MMOs in between bouts of uncontrollable sobbing. The monotonyWell, Mike had this crazy idea. He turned to me as some forum flickered out of site on his monitor. “Dude, it’s my turn to cry. It’s your turn to play, fabulous person.”
I looked away from the ShamWOW commercial on his $1 black and white, flea-market find, TV. I had realized that the shamWow guy, no matter how very special, had a better life than I did. I was tired of crying. I replied, “**** this. I want to do something different. Let’s do drugs.”
“My Dad has some LSD in the drawer with his condoms.”
“How the **** do you know that?”
“STFU, do you want some LSD or no?”
“Fine, I’ll take it.”
He got up and left me alone. Several minutes later I heard him come down the stairs with a pill bottle and a case of beer. “Got to wash this **** down with something.” He said smiling. He tossed me a beer and handed me a pill.
“Let’s do it at the same time,” I said.
“What the hell man? Are you scared?”
“No, I’m not scared.”
“Yes, you are.”
“**** you. I don’t see you popping that **** any faster than me.”
“Fine we’ll do it together on three, you ****ing woman's genitals. One, two, three.”
We both took the tiny pill and with one quick swallow, it was gone. We waited in silence for several minutes. Nothing seemed to be happening. Then almost as I spoke, I said “Oh shi-”. The images of the TV began to swirl and shake in a violent gold, blue light. Suddenly, what felt like a bolt of electricity shot through my body. Suddenly, I was 12 again. I was outside playing in my parents’ yard with my dog Fuggy. God I love my dog. He was looking at me intently and dancing about playfully as terriers do. I picked up the orange frisbee. “You want me to throw your toy? Do ya? Huh? Huh?” Fuggy grew even more excited with every second as I waved his toy about. “Ok, boy! Go get it!” I threw the frisbee. It landed several feet away from me because I throw like a girl. ****. Anyways, Fuggy didn’t seem to care. He ran over and spent several seconds mulling around the bushes the frisbee had landed under. Finally he picked it up. Then suddenly out of ****ing no wear, this huge bum monster truck leaps over the bushes and crushes Fuggy.
“SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!” roared the TV as I was suddenly jolted back to the couch. Mike was sitting rigidly with his arm outstretched. He was holding the remote and flipping between two channels—one showing an ALPO dog food commercial and the other an advertisement for a Monster Truck Rally. “God dammit, fabulous person. Stop that.” He didn’t. I shoved him several times and he didn’t move. He was in a trance of some sort. I needed to find some way to wake his bum up. If I failed, I could be in some serious trouble. I stood up and picked up the conveniently located baseball bat. I swung as hard as I could at his head. With a loud “THUNK”, he fell to the floor. His bum raised in the air. Log in to see images!
My Log in to see images! swelled. I had defeated him. I wanted to boast my victory—to humiliate him. I spent several hours repeating the process, savoring the victory from each battle.
Suddenly the world shook about me. I felt a bolt of electricity shoot down my spine. Suddenly, Mike was standing in front of me, and yelling. “WHAT THE **** DID YOU DO TO MY GRANDMOTHER?”
He looked at me like Log in to see images!
I looked at him like Log in to see images!
He looked back at me like Log in to see images!
And I looked at him like Log in to see images!
I laughed. I cried. I lolled. I CAME!
