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MC Banhammer

Avatar: 1887 2011-07-31 00:40:59 -0400

[Good Omens]

Level 69 Troll

Trying to create drama to drum up the ratings by any means necessary!

NOTICE: The FAQ hasn’t been updated in a while (and certainly not with Episode 2 information). It is due for a rework, but in the meantime, the vast majority is still pertinent and accurate.


Yeah, I’m a troll. I’m still helpful. What’s your point? If you don’t see an answer here, post the Q somewhere else or tubmail me and I’ll try to help.

Site Peformance
Q:What’s going on? I keep getting shut out in the middle of a battle/the game’s lagging/I just lost a forum visit.
A: This game is way more awesome than you are. So awesome, that a major influx of players (who are also much more awesome than you) joined, and the servers just aren’t able to handle the sheer awesomeness. More RAM has been added, but it’s not enough quite yet. Evil Trout is working on it as fast as his pathetically slow hands can. If he took them off his male reproductive organ once in a while maybe it would come sooner, and maybe if you gave him some money it would help too. In the meantime, just enjoy the ****ing game when you can. It’s awesome.

Q: I bought Brownie Points (BP) through PayPal. My Paypal account was debited, but I don’t have the BP! Why not?
A: If you paid by echeque on Paypal (the default behavior for bank transfers), the money has to clear before we send out the Brownie Points. When the echeque clears, the BP will be automatically given out. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause!

Episode 1

Q: How do I answer the initial questions so I’m not starting as a Re-Re?
A: You can’t, luzer. You are a Re-Re!

Q: How can I change my clbum from Re-Re?
A: Play the ****ing game. After your first pwn, you’ll be given that option.

Q: D-uh! But I closed my browser/my browser crashed/I’m an idiot and now I’m stuck as a Re-Re!
A: That’s not a question, male reproductive organwad. But I’ll answer it anyway. In your Bookmarks, under “Mission Related”, there should be a “Clbum Selection”. Go there to select your clbum. Or go to

Q: I did all that, bumhole. Now what?
A: Hey, I’m the Troll. Be nice or I won’t help you.
Q: I’m sorry, oh great and wise one.
A: That’s better. Check your Tubmail, maybe you missed something. Otherwise, ask it somewhere else

Q: Gee thanks. Now I’ve played for a bit (a little bit) and realized I’d rather be a different clbum. I’m too nice to be a troll/prude to be a camwhore/filled with self-respect to be an emo kid, and more bumholeish like a troll/dumpster ****ty like a camwhore/pathetically miserable like an emo kid and I want to change. Can I do so?
A: Maybe. I’m just a FAQ guy, though, not an admin or anything like that (and who’d want to be with all you ****ers bugging them with questions and “gimme this”s all the time. Jerks). So, go ask an admin. Way down at the bottom of this screen is a site map with a contact us link. “Us” being “them”. Go use it.

How do I make the story go?
Q: I have no missions! The game’s not proceeding! What do I do?
A 1: Check your Missions tab. Do you have any open ones?
A 2 (if A1 doesn’t help): Check your sTalk. Any new contacts willing to condescend enough to speak to you? Any of your old contacts willing to talk to you again?
A 3 (if A1 & A2 don’t help): Check your tubmails. Anything you didn’t read yet?
A 4 (if none of the above helped): You don’t have XSS for ****s and grins. Apply it to more forums until something new happens!

Q: I did all that and still nothing! And this guy named Ravit said he’d help me, but he’s not doing anything!
A: You probably just talked to him today. And you didn’t read the conversation, did you? You’re going to miss out on a lot of the game’s humor if you keep skimming like that. Anyway, at the end of his conversation with you, he says he’ll be back in touch tomorrow. So go whack off or something and come back tomorrow.
Q: No, not that time! The time later in the game!
A: Oh, then. See A4 up above.

Q: Some Japanese guy wants my help with a girl, but the girl blocked me. Now what?
A: Read the description of the Mission again. That should clue you in.

Q: I forgot the pbumword to that pbum-word protected forum! (Coral Springs Nuclear Generating Station).
A: What is it with you and not asking questions? Regardless, read your ****ing Tubmail. Or, if you’re too ****ing lazy to click that much, just look at this spoiler: splodeydope

Q:I’ve been notified that my account is suspended, even though I’ve paid for Episode 2. WTF?
Q:Time for you to move on to the Episode 2 FAQ!

Q: Can I, as a Troll, wear Camwhore glbumes?
A: Before you even try, you’ll want to clean them. Who knows what’s been gisming on a camwhore’s glbumes? But if you’re comfortable with exposing yourself to whatever diseases they’re carrying you might, for example, want to wear some which pump your Charisma when you’re expecting a delivery, and switch to ones which pump your Douchebaggery when you’re pwning forums. You can absolutely do this.
Q: How about me? I’m an Emo/Re-Re. Can I wear Camwhore glbumes?
A: Do you have a “Glbumes” slot on your Items tab? No? Then where the **** would you put them? Go get some self-esteem/brains instead.

Q: My computer is old an obsolete/I sold my computer. Any way I can get another one?
A: Keep an eye on the Ppwn Shoppe and some Flezz saved up. Also, later in the game you’ll get a store which allows you to buy a new one.

Q: I’m a generous kinda guy who has absolutely no intention of cheating and helping out his alts. Can I transfer my items/flezz to other players?
A: ... Read your question again, and you’ll understand why the answer to this is a resounding NO.

Q: I’m a compulsive hoarder who likes junk instead of Flezz. Can I keep it all and not sell any of it?
A: What the **** is wrong with you? Even the game doesn’t think you can keep it all. 50 items, and that’s it.

Q: Fine then. Well, at least I can use my 50, right?
A: I wish! No, at this point you can’t do a damn thing with it. In the future maybe you’ll be able to, and it was certainly planned, but you know how ****ing lame the game designers are.

Q: Why is Gamble-Bot such a ****ing cheater???
A: You’re gambling against a computer. It’s your own fault for losing. Gamble-bot actually does play on the up-and-up.
Q: Even blackjack?
A: Yeah, even blackjack. Completely on the up-and-up. Well, except that it’s only playing with one deck, and shuffles after each deal, so your online strategy card is probably useless.
Q: Okay, so which stats can I boost to give me a better chance of winning? Luck?
A: None. Not even Luck, which is a completely buminine decision by Crotch Zombie. Your stats can be any ****ing value and they won’t affect Gamble-bot at all. At. All.

Q: What’s the highest score available in Trapped in a Cupboard?
A: You’re no better than Fr4gGingR1teZ at these, are you? 13

Q: ***Sputter gasp!*** That much???? How do you get all of those?
A: Y’know, there’s another great resource for this game called the Wiki. You should look at it sometime. Like maybe now. Warning: The Wiki is very, very spoilerific.

Q: Ha! Just beat it! Is there any sort of reward?
A: Sure there is. You get to masturbate to a mini-game. Oh, and also you get a nice item, if you check your Profile for Friends.

Q: I’m supposed to deploy some code to a forum, but there aren’t enough threads! How do I do it?
A: You don’t have to deploy one code per thread. You can deploy as many as you strategically care for in each thread.

Q: How do I get the “I’m Gay” E-Peen?
A: You know, there’s a Wiki in this game for a reason. Why don’t you try to figure out what that reason is?

Q: I gambled all mine away/spent all of mine/am an idiot and now I don’t have any. I can’t buy the consumables I need to pwn the next forum. How do I get more?
A: You can re-pwn forums you’ve visited already. This gives you credit. Around 7AM Eastern Time, you’ll get a delivery with stuff based on your credit earned the previous day. Go to the Ppwn Shoppe, and sell your useless junk.

Q: That **** cop took all my Flezz! Do I have to pay her?
A: Sucker! You sure do!

Q: I pwned 12 ****ING forums yesterday, and my deliveries were ****! What the ****?
A: You pwned the same ****ing forum yesterday. Deliveries are made once for each unique forum you pwn. You want better deliveries, vary your targets.

Q: What’s the best possible build for my character?
A: ****ing min-maxer. But if you insist, there’s no consensus on what an “optimal” build is. There’s a thread where Escher presents a ton of information on how stats affect various things, go over there if you really want to try to churn out numbers. And give Escher a good **** from me while you’re over there.

Q: What’s Alignment?
A: Remember the wiki? That’ll define it for you. Evil Trout says, “Anyway it doesn’t do much right now, in Episode 2 it will be a bigger deal. I like male reproductive organs.”

Q: So can I change it during Episode 1? I want to be an evil bastard/a good ****/a pain in your bum asking too many questions.
A: Insist on pushing the boundaries, do you? You’re not as lame as you look. Evil Trout says, “It definitely can be changed to good or bad in episode 1, but it’s not easy. You just have to answer every sTalk chat option in the biggest bumhole way possible. I like male reproductive organs.” Proving his last statement, he hasn’t said which way doing that would change your alignment. However, there are ongoing efforts to determine what will change it, and the results can be found on the wiki (full of spoilers), under Alignment.

I’m an impatient bastard
Q: When does the forum visit timer reset?
A: 7AM Eastern Standard Time, which is GMT-5. Or maybe 6. And when Daylight Saving’s in effect, it changes by an hour, maybe. Something like that. Math’s for Emo kids.

Q: I want to cheat, so I’d like to buy some cool illegal enhancements. But I also want to play the competitive parts of the game (like Domination). Can I do both?
A: You can’t just hack the site and get the best of both worlds without spending your mama’s money? Luzer. But since you want to support the site, go ahead and buy whatever you want. Only apply the enhancements to the alt(s) you don’t want playing the competitive parts of the game, and your other alt(s) will still be competing.

Q: I just want to play through the game without having to work too hard. Is there a walkthrough anywhere?
A: Lazy bastard. Yeah, it’s on the wiki. Specifically, here.

I’m a patient bastard
Q: I get four forum visits a day, right? What if I don’t use them that day? How many can I bank?
A: I can’t imagine what possible reason you might have for not using all your visits. It’s not like you have a life or anything. But if your hands are just too tired from all your fapping, you can wait up to three days and bank 12 visits. After that, the days go by, but you don’t acgreat timesulate any more visits.

I have a “friend”
Q: I have a “sister”/”brother”/”mother-in-law”/”roommate”/”slave in the basement” who wants to play also. Can s/he just create a new account on my computer?
A: Sure, if you want to be banned from ever playing again. But if your “sister” comes without quotes, talk to Evil Trout first via tubmail and plead your pathetic case. If your “sister” comes without panties, send her my way.

Episode 2
Q: When’s it coming out?
A: It’s already out. Buy it and play it.
Q: I did that! But nothing happened.
A: In your Bookmarks/Mission Related tab, there’s a link to start it. Click it.
Q: I did that, and now my ****ing account’s suspended! WTF?
A: That’s answered both above in this post, and in the Episode 2 FAQ.

Episode 3
Q: When’s it coming out?
A: Whenever Crotch Zombie employees stop jerking off and get to it.

Q: But I want it now!
A: Buy stuff. That motivates them. No, really!

Q: Fine, I’ll ****ing wait, and enjoy the many fine activities this site has while waiting, such as Domination and Forumbuilr and INCIT.
A: Good attitude.
MC Banhammer edited this message on 02/03/2009 6:31PM
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