So it’s time for a quick detour, thanks to Herrick. Luckily for me, he managed to pick a story written like a movie script. I hate those things. It’s like the laziest form of writing ever, except for maybe writing your synopsis in lieu of a real story. ‘Jack and Jill are friends that fall in love, get married and have three kids. The End.’ Well, giving credit where credit is due, it’s awful, but not the special ‘My Immortal’ kind of awful. However, I do have another ‘special’ story lined up for you very soon. Search for the author ‘songsofthepast’ on fanfiction.net. You won’t regret it.* On with the review!

*You will regret it very, very much. People averse to reading about hilarious gay sex be warned.

Harvest Moon High

Already my alarm bells are ringing. A game about farming crossed with one of those awful American high school comedies. This is going to be nothing short of abysmal.

Katie: Hi all this is my first fic so no flames!

Katie, Katie, Katie. I’m doing this for your own good you know. In a few years, you’ll thank me for this, because unlike Ebony, you can be saved.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Harvest Moon (damn!)

As if anyone can compare this to the games and think it’s the same author. You’re even writing it on Fanfiction.net. This disclaimer seems more than a little useless.

or any of the characters except a few original ones that may pop up!

These original characters are probably going to be totally worthless and discarded in favour of the main cast. If you want to write about original characters, don’t write fanfiction. In fact, don’t write fanfiction period.

Popuri: Come on Rick we’re going to be late for school if you don’t hurry up!

That’s a mouthful. Have you ever even heard of a comma?

Rick:in the bathroom My hair isn’t perfect enough!

I hope your going for the ‘he’s gay’ angle here, because that’s the vibe I’m getting from this. And use brackets for when you want to describe things. If you insist on writing a story in script style, then at least try to write it properly.

Popuri: Karen’s waiting!!

And I’m waiting for a plot and proper use of punctuation. BURN!

Rick: I’m done! runs out door and outside Hey Karen’s not here!

I cannot stress the importance of brackets enough.

Popuri: Ha ha gotcha! XD

NO. BAD KATIE. It was barely tolerable up to this point, but when you use a smiley in the instance of face-to-face communication you have crossed the point of no return.

Cliff: Are you guys coming??

Dude, like, he said ‘coming!’ Hur Hur Hur!

Ann: We’ve been waiting forever!

Grey: Yeah so let’s go get Kai, Karen, Jack, Mary blushes, Elli and Tim (the doc).

You cannot be a doctor when you’re 14 years old. And what kind of a name is ‘Mary Blushes’? That’s a name sure to bring hours of fun to cruel, callous, evil children. No, I’m not bitter!

Popuri: Okay!!

So our characters walk along to find their pals so they can get to school on time. At the Library

PUNCTUATION, Katie. This is one of the first rules they teach you when you start school. It takes a lot of hard work to get a reception teacher give up on you, but in that respect I guess Katie is just talented.

Cliff: Come on Mary!! We have to go now!!

Grey: Don’t yell at my girlfriend!!

Ann: Don’t yell at my boyfriend!

Cliff: I’m not your boyfriend, ****!

That told her. Down with equal rights! Up with misogyny! I’m also extremely confused as to who’s who. I’m bumuming this will continue for the rest of the fic.

Popuri: Shut up! She’s done let’s go!!

Mary: has gotten contacts and is dressed in jeans and a blue T-shirt Hi! hooks arms with Grey

Just in case I haven’t reiterated this enough, use brackets. Or quote marks. Or any kind of punctuation at all, really.

Our characters move on towards the Supermarket. When they get there Jack, Karen, Kai, Elli and Tim are already there.

An odd coincidence, but at least it cuts down the running time of this chapter.

Elli: Hi guys! Let’s go to the beach before we miss our boat!!

If you have a supermarket on your island, I’m sure a school wouldn’t be too difficult to manage.

Karen: Yeah good idea! Hey Rick let’s sit together! wink wink

Please make some distinction between dialogue and actions. Please? Fine then. King Krimson verbally bumaults Katie. How do you like THEM apples?

Popuri: Karen you are so sick!

If that’s the authors’ mindset, then no wonder this story is terrible. Pre-pubescence attitudes do not a good tale make.

I hope you know my brother’s gay!!

You WERE going with the ‘he’s gay’ angle. Still, I’m going to require conclusive evidence before I damn him to hell for his filthy sinners lifestyle.

He’s obsessed with his hair and I think he has a picture of Jack under his pillow! All but Popuri and Rick: EWWWWWWW!!

Someone once said something like this about me once and it ruined my school life… For about an hour. Get over it, kids.

Jack: AHHHHH!! runs around in circles

“My secret shame revealed! Rather than acting calm and collected and therefore having at least some chance to prove my innocence, I’m going to run around like a retard, proving this accusation beyond a doubt!” Why do all fanfiction writers make the characters so epically stupid? I guess the world will never know.

Tim: Whatever let’s just go already!!

Rick: Before we fo I just want to clarify that I am not gay and that is Karen’s picture not Jack’s!

“Of course, it’s so white and sticky that nobody would want to get close enough to tell the difference anyhow. I’m such a genius!”

So they all walk down to the beach, board the boat and get off at the mainland and walk to school.

Jack: Well here it is Harvest Moon High School! It’s big!!

Wait, haven’t you been here before? Is this your first day of school? That would explain a lot, actually, so I’m taking it to be the truth.

All: Wow!!

Elli: Wait why are we so impressed we’ve went here for the last 3 years?!

Oh I see. Instead of a somewhat plausible explanation, it turns out that all the characters have ADHD. Either that, or the authors attempt at humour has tripped, fell, and required extensive re-constructive surgery due to the horrendous disfiguring injuries it suffered.

All but Elli: —;

We all knew someone like this. The person who tries to be funny and hangs around where they aren’t wanted. I feel for you Elli, I really do.

Elli: What? It’s true!!

They’re not going to listen to you. They never do. All they do is look at you with that look. That withering look that renders all of your achievements null and void. God, I’m so lonely.

They all went inside and got their schedules, see the following:

You know you’ve done something wrong when timetables are the key to the story. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban did it admirably, I suppose, but then again, it didn’t list every single lesson.

Jack’s Science, Football, English, Spanish, Math, Geography, Band

Popuri’s Science, Dance, Math, English, Geography, French, Choir

Elli’s Math, Dance, English, Geography, Science, French, Choir

Tim’s Math, Football, English, Science, Spanish, Geography, Band

Karen’s Remedial Math, Dance, Remedial Science, Remedial Geography, French, Remedial English, Choir

Rick’s Remedial Math, Football, Science, Geography, English, Spanish, Band

Cliff’s Science, Football, English, Spanish, Math, Geography, Band

Ann’s Science, Dance, Math, English, Geography, French, Choir

Kai’s Geography, Football, Math, Science, English, Spanish, Band

Mary’s Adv. Math, Dance, Adv. English, Adv. Science, Geography, French, Choir

Grey’s Adv. Math, Football, Adv English, Science, Geography, Spanish, Band

I didn’t read this. Since you seem to be an intelligent lot I’m bumuming that you skipped it too. Good for you.

Popuri: Hey girl’s we’re all in Dance and Choir together!! Yay! Jack: And boy’s we’re all in Football and Band together! Awesome!

Have I ever mentioned I hate football (soccer, for you American types)? It’s just a bunch of foppish men kicking about an inflated pig bladder. However, I would like to see a game of football played using the medieval rules though. Brutal, crippling violence spices anything up. If you don’t think that a player’s head being substituted for the ball is awesome, then there’s something wrong with you.

Cliff: Okay so let’s go to clbumes now!

So Jack, Popuri, Cliff and Ann all went to Science. Mary and Grey went to Advanced Math. Karen an d Rick went to Remedial Math, Kai went to Geography and Elli and Tim went to Math.

It seems as if she realised herself that no-one was going to read the timetable, so she’s gone to the trouble of writing it out again here. +1 for foresight, -101 for the rest of the story. I just can’t see where the intrigue lies in mundane stories about school. Will Grey get a good result? Will anyone find out that Ann copied her essay from Wikipedia? Will Jack be bullied mercilessly by erstwhile friends for his unavoidable gayness? Find out in the next dull episode of: HIGH SCHOOL HI-JINX! I for one, will not be tuning in.

I hope everyone enjoyed that first chapter. I have the whole entire story in my head but it may take a while to write it! Love, CrazyGirl23

A very fitting pseudonym. “They called me crazy when I said that I was going to write a Harvest Moon story set in high school! I show them! I’ll show them all!”

Just for laughs, lets check out her profile shall we?

I’m through with writing. These stories are horrible and I just have nopbumion for writing things anymore. D:

I’d delete all my crappy stories if I knew how. : Sorry to anyone who had the misfortune of reading my writing.

…Oh. Well, Ah… Looks like someone got to her before I did. Um… It wasn’t… it wasn’t THAT bad. I… I’m an awful, awful person. Don’t pay any attention to me. Oh God. Oh God, I’m so sorry. I’m a failure as a human being. OH GOD.

I guess I’ll see you later then. When I further soil my reputation as a decent person. Thanks for encouraging this, you agents of Satan. Until next time.