There once was a fellow McSweeny

Who spilled some gin on his weenie

Just to be couth

He added vermouth

Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

.

There once was a man Robin Hood

Who lived in a Knottingham wood

He learned how to ****

from old Friar Tuck

And made Marion whenever he could

.

There once was a fellow O’Doole

Who found little red spots on his tool

His Doctor a cynic

said Get out of me clinic,

And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

.

A pirate, history relates

Was scuffling with some of his mates

When he slipped on a cutlbum

Which rendered him nutless

And practically useless on dates

.

There once was a plumber from Lee

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea

She said Stop your plumbing,

There’s somebody coming!

Said the plumber still plumbing… It’s me!

.

On the moors Kelly walked in a daze

There she’d bark at the moon and the haze

Still her friends weren’t concerned

For by now they had learned

Once a month she would go through this phase.

.

A randy marsupial named Reeves

Spent some time with the whores ‘tween their knees

When they’d asked him for money

He’d say “Listen honey

A koala eats bushes and leaves.”

.

Now down in the valley of Shneel

Lived a woman who loved to reveal

With her curtains well drawn

Standing bare as a fawn

She’d do this really neat trick with an eel

.

Now this right old man was a sick ‘un

He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin’

He’d chase ‘em around

With his trousers pulled down

And he’d say “Whatsa matter, you chicken?”

.

A new farmer’s helper named Kull

Accidentally was milking a bull

The farmer said, “Boy yer dumb,

You done milked the wrong one!”

Said the boy, “But me whole bucket’s full.”

.

Twas a crazy old man called O’Keef

Who caused local farmers much grief

To their cows he would run

Cut their legs off for fun

And say “Look, I’ve invented ground beef!”

.

There once was a man from Madrbum

Whose balls were made out of brbum

When he’d bang ‘em together

They’d play stormy weather

And lightning would shoot out of his bum

.

There once was a man from East Kent

Whose tool was so long that it bent

To save her some trouble

He folded it double

And instead of coming…he went

.

There once was a man from Bonaire

Who was doing his wife on the stair

When the banister broke

He doubled his stroke

And finished her off in midair

.

On a knoll a young maiden named Molly

Her innocence lost through young folly

His name was Sing Chum

And too soon he did great times

And all he could say was “I’m solly!”

.

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit

“Does **** stick to your fur as a habit?”

“Of course not,” said the hare,

“It’s really quite rare!”

So the bear wiped his bum with the rabbit.

.

There once was a girl named Tristan

Whose beer that she ordered was was ****ed in

She said “I don’t think,”

As she spit out her drink,

“On the menu that this one was listed.”

.

I had me a wench from East Broint

Who bade me her skin to anoint

The girl had arthritis

And so I decided

She wouldn’t mind one more stiff joint.